Contrary to popular belief, Harold Camping was correct. The rapture did occur yesterday. Unfortunately, however, none of us made the cut. Since the liberal media won’t report on such things and Fox News is too busy trying to roll back human rights for the working class to pay attention to anything else, The Ramblings of D. A. Adams was granted an exclusive interview with the supreme being, the great spirit, aka God. Shockingly, he does look a lot like George Burns.
“It’s simple really,” God began, flicking ashes from his cigar. “You people are stupid. I mean really, really stupid. I’m not sure how much clearer I could be each time I’ve sent a messenger to tell you how you should live, but you just don’t get it. All of nature seeks equilibrium, but you humans seek extremes. Get it?”
Confused, I asked if anyone was close to ascending to heaven.
“Well, there was one old lady in Sydney who was a nail biter, but at the last minute she used my name in vain so I had to cross her off. Sad really.”
Perplexed, I asked about my own status.
“You?” he asked, leaning back and laughing. “Hey Peter, did you hear that?”
You haven’t really heard a hearty laugh until you’ve heard god laugh about the status of your soul.
“Um, look, I don’t to hurt your feelings, but keep working at it. Maybe you’ll make the next one.”
Shocked, I asked how there could be another rapture.
“Oh, there’s one every decade. So far, the only one to make it was Glenn Miller. I hated to disappoint the troops that way, but you know, rules are rules. Look, can we wrap this up? I’ve got a brunch to attend with Mother Teresa, and she gets grouchy when I’m late.”
With so many more questions to ask the creator, I was frustrated by the sudden time constraint, so I asked the first question that came to mind: Was the Immaculate Reception a legal play by Franco Harris?
“Look, regardless of what the whining Raiders have to say, Tatum clearly touched that ball. Those crybabies just have to get over it.”
With that, god vanished from the room, and I, a lifelong Steelers fan, felt vindicated.
Editor’s note: Any reference to the creator, real or imagined, is not sanctioned by the church and is, thus, heresy by the author. May god have mercy on his soul.