Warning: potentially offensive material ahead.
BREAKING NEWS: In a press conference from his corporate headquarters in Toledo, Ohio this morning, Satan announced that he has completed construction on his “special place” in hell for the king of shock-jocks, Rush Limbaugh. Though vague on all the details, the devil did describe that Limbaugh will be required to wait tables for an exclusive clientele of well-educated, African-American women, will be denied access to all forms of pain medication, and will have to listen to a non-stop loop of Yanni’s Greatest Hits. Satan assured the liberal media in attendance that Limbaugh’s hearing will be restored to full health upon his arrival in the underworld.
“We all know there have been worse people in the history of humanity,” the Prince of Darkness stated. “Hitler comes to mind, as does Pol Pot, but from his overt racism, misogyny, homophobia, and megalomania, Limbaugh has earned this little corner of hell.”
After the press conference, the devil fielded questions from the biased journalists on hand, most of whom pleaded for more details about Limbaugh’s pending punishments.
“Look, I can’t give away too many of the family secrets,” Satan responded. “We’ve been in the business of torturing twisted souls for thousands of years, but recently, there’s been an upswing in competition from international conglomerates. I have to protect my proprietary property or risk falling behind in this increasingly crowded field. But I can assure you, Rush will spend all of eternity with smoldering cigars wedged between the fatty folds of his ass cheeks. That’s as much detail as I’m going to give, so don’t ask again.”
After the press conference, I scurried to South Carolina to get the reaction of Joseph Cartwright III, himself a long-time conservative talk radio host and blogger.
“Well, you know, when the advertising dollars start to dry up, you’re done in this business,” Cartwright said. “I guess Rush will have to pay for no longer making lots of people lots of money.”
Confused and bewildered, I stared blankly.
“It’s simple, really,” he continued, noticing my expression. “As long as hate speech is profitable, the powers that be turn a blind eye, but as soon as the money stops rolling in, everyone turns on you. It’s a tough business, spreading hate and backwards thinking, but there is a lot of money to be made in stirring up the worst of people’s emotions. Now that Rush is declining, I’m hoping for national syndication.”
Uncertain if Cartwright was onto something or completely insane, I headed to Mississippi to speak with Konrad K. Kristian, business leader and Tea Party activist. If anyone understood Rush Limbaugh, it would be him.
“I just don’t know what to make of this here world,” Kristian said, tears in his eyes. “Jesus was quite clear that we need to hate fags and coloreds, but now Rush is gonna be punished for following the Scriptures. I just don’t understand.”
Touched by his display of compassion for a man doomed to an eternity of Yanni, I asked if he needed a moment.
“No, I’ll pray about this tonight, and I’m certain tomorrow we’ll find out this was all just a hoax by them liberal media bastards. They’re out to get all us who follow the Word of hating them that ain’t right, and I know the good Lord will clear this right up.”
Editor’s Note: Any reference to Satan, the devil, the Prince of Darkness, and hell was approved by Eternal Damnation, Inc. of Toledo, Ohio. No part of this article may be reprinted or reproduced whatsoever without a blood-signed, notarized release from EDI and an official sacrifice of a virgin goat under a waning crescent moon.