That evil, socialist healthcare reform begins to phase into effect today. Here are the dastardly provisions that become law now:
1. Insurance companies will no longer be able to deny children coverage for pre-existing conditions. (Damn socialists wanting children to have health coverage. Damn them. Damn them to hell. How can our country be moving in that direction?)
2. Children of parents with insurance will be allowed to remain covered under those policies until the age of 26. (Make the little fuckers get a job.)
3. Insurance companies will be forbidden from terminating coverage for any other reason than customer fraud. (How can health insurance companies make billions in profits if they actually have to keep sick people on the books? Again, how can our country be moving in such an evil direction?)
4. Insurance companies will no longer be able to cap the amount of benefits and treatment a person can receive in a lifetime. (Jesus fucking Christ, is there no justice for large corporations trying to maximize profits? )
5. Insurers can no longer charge customers for preventive services like mammograms and colonoscopies. (This commie fucker can’t even spell preventative correctly. Our country is headed in the wrong direction!)
6. High-risk pools are mandated to cover those who have been denied coverage because of pre-existing conditions. (This must be those death panels I heard about on Fox News. Get my goddamn pitchfork and torch. Take to the streets! We’re Taxed Enough Already! I’m angry at all this socialism!)
We now continue with your regularly scheduled programming.