Now that the shock of Justin Bieber’s haircut has worn off, America once again turns its attention to its most pressing issue. No, silly, not surging oil prices from unrest in the Middle East or erratic weather patterns or corporate greed. America needs to know what is happening with Charlie Sheen.
He’s not just another aging man trying to hold onto his youth by snorting coke off the bellies of porn stars. This is Charlie Sheen, America’s greatest comedic actor. While England can boast Lawrence Olivier and Anthony Hopkins, America can take pride in the sweeping range of Charlie Sheen’s acting skills. From his portrayal of the bad boy convict in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to the bad boy pitcher in Major League to the bad boy pilot in Hot Shots to the bad boy skirt chaser in Two and a Half Men, Sheen has demonstrated that he can take on any roll.
Now, the mean executives at CBS have pulled the plug on his sitcom, and America sits in stunned silence, trying to pull itself together and recover from the loss of this comedic masterpiece. To get my finger on the pulse of how the average American is handling this crisis, I rushed to Ellis Chapel, Arkansas to speak with my old friend, Cletus McOnetooth.
“It’s painful,” Cletus said. “After wrestlin and Glenn Beck, it was my favorite show. You never knew from one week to the next if he was gonna make a joke about being drunk or being high. Sometimes, to really shake things up, he’d make a joke about being drunk and high. You can’t get no funnier than that.”
Cletus choked on the last words, tears streaming down his cheeks, so I stopped the interview to prevent permanent emotional scarring at recalling the loss of his third favorite TV program. But I knew America needed to know more about this terrible tragedy, so I rushed to South Carolina to sit down with conservative talk show host and blogger Joseph Cartwright III to see how the religious folk were holding up under the strain of these trying times.
“My callers are just stunned,” Cartwright said. “Who could’ve predicted that Charlie Sheen’s bad boy antics could ever lead to turmoil? No one expected this. I’ve even had liberals calling in my show to mourn for the cancelling of Two and a Half Men. That’s how important Charlie Sheen is to America. His comedic genius transcends politics and ideology. My audience and I are praying to the good Lord every day that somehow Charlie Sheen will return to TV soon.”
Touched by the outpouring of affection for America’s greatest comedic actor, I went to a local bar to toss back a few shots to show CBS my support for Sheen’s genius, and in the bar I was surrounded by dozens of other middle-aged men who had thrown away their families in pursuit of hookers and booze, and I marveled at the solidarity America can muster during times of real crisis.
This entry is dedicated to the spoiled and pampered celebrities around the globe who are tired of being confused with drug addicts and sleaze bags. May their talent and genius forever shine as a beacon of America’s greatness.