Trump Man Ramblings – 11/2/2019

Because of my close affiliation with Billy Joe Oilmoney, I was recently invited to take a sneak peak at the proposed slogans for Donald J. Trump’s reelection campaign. Coming soon to a bumper sticker near you:

Trump 2020-

10) Let’s get women back in their place.

9) Thinking for yourself is too much work.

8) Freedom has a price…tag.

7) Liberty and justice for some.

6) Putin has more goals.

5) Book learning is for sissies.

4) Good Ole Putin.

3) They can’t indict a sitting president.

2) Who needs allies?

1) Fuck it. America had a good run.

After seeing the list, I’m confident in the direction the GOP is heading.

Nancy Pelosi Ramblings – 10/5/2019

With human scum like Mitt Romney and Pat Robertson turning against the President, I wanted to check in with Representative Billy Joe Oilmoney to get a feel for how House Republicans are holding up during this siege against the White House.

“Well hell, old boy, I just don’t rightly know what to think,” Oilmoney began, looking pensive. “This here country is going to hell in a handbasket. That feller in Tennessee was right, the white man ain’t got no rights anymore. Did you see what Nancy Pelosi did to the president the other day? Shameful. Shameful, I tell you. A woman acting superior to a man.”

Curious, I pressed for more information.

“My granpappy used to tell me that the day women got the vote was the day this country started downhill. I mean, just look at us now. They got their heads full of notions that they can do anything they want. A woman pointing her finger at a man like that. Just shameful.”

As he spoke, veins bulged in his neck and forehead, and his face turned a darker and darker shade of purple. Not wanting to further discomfort his sensibilities, I excused myself and made my way to the Senate to find Rob R. Barron VI to get a feel for how the Senate was preparing for a potential impeachment hearing.

“I’m late for my tee time with the President, so we’ll have to talk more later, but I can assure you that I will impartially review any evidence the Speaker of the House uncovers.”

Since the Senator didn’t have time to talk, I traveled down to South Carolina to get a feel for how a Republican woman feels about the current Speaker of the House. I sat down with my old pal Bonnie Busybody, graduate of South Carolina State Technical Community College with an Associate‚Äôs in Office Administration and former Tea Party activist.

“Well, you know, I’ve tried to defend this President through it all. I mean, during the campaign, I thought he could grab my pussy anytime he wanted. And when he stood up to China, I was like, show them Chinks who’s boss. But when I saw Nancy Pelosi stand up to him, I thought he looked awful weak and wimpy sitting there letting her scold him. And then he went and doubled down on being wimpy with the whole Syria thing, so I guess I don’t want him grabbing my pussy anymore.”

Enlightened by these three perspectives, I look to America’s future with a steadfast sense of pride and optimism.

Mean Liberals Ramblings – 10/21/2019

With so much fake news swirling around cable TV and the liberal media, I wanted to get a sense of how real Americans feel about our leader’s great and unmatched wisdom. I traveled to Goose Rock, Kentucky to sit down with Bubba Blacklung, graduate of Oral Roberts University, meteorologist for the Goose Creek Missionary Baptist Church Newsletter, and political commentator on Konrad K. Kristian’s Big Blog of Merica. After exchanging pleasantries, I asked Bubba how he viewed recent current events.

“Well, it’s been raining the last couple days, so I reckon God’s sad with all that’s going on in Warshinton.”

Confused, I pressed for details.

“Them liberals like Mitt Romney are saying mean things about the Trump Man. God don’t like when people say mean things about an evangelical leader like Trump.”

I asked how Bubba saw the situation with hosting the G7 summit at Doral.

“I used to smoke Dorals. Real good cigarettes, so I reckon they ought to be good enough for them world leaders. I don’t know what liberals got so upset about.”

Confused, I asked for clarification.

“Them liberals are just mean for saying mean things about this here president. Ain’t no one stood up for Merica like the Trump Man. Our farmers are thriving, coal mines are booming, and manufacturing is stronger than ever. I know cause Fox News told me so. Them liberals are just big meanies for being mean to a good, white, Christian like the Trump Man.”

With all the fake news about climate change, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to question a real life meteorologist about the extremes of severe weather being experienced all over the world.

“I reckon God is just extry upset over Bill O’Reilly being unfairly squeezed off the tellyvision, so His tears is extry big now or days. Them liberals are ruining the world, I tell ye.”

Heartened to have conversed with someone so tuned in to current events, I returned home with a new sense of pride for America’s future.

Trump Man Ramblings – 10/19/2019

Given all the fake news leveled against the president by the Jew-run liberal media, I decided to investigate for myself the veracity of all these canards being spread. To this end, I visited my old friend Cletus McOnetooth of Ellis Chapel, Arkansas.

“Let me tell ya,” Cletus said. “People can say what they want about the Trump Man, but he’s one bad hombre.”

I pressed for details.

“Looky cheer, our prezzydent has single-handedly taken out ISIS. Each night, after all them press sissies have left the once-again White House, the Trump Man flies his hellycopter over yonder and fights against those A-rabs with his six shooters and bare fists. Even though that overrated General Mattis said it would take two years, the Trump Man got it done in just one month. All by hisself, mind ye.”

Astonished by the courage and skill of our fearless commander-in-chief, I implored Cletus to share how he had learned of these daring escapades.

“Well, every since them social media queerfolk made it hard to find Alex Jones online, I started following a bunch of conservative bloggers, and I just pieced it all together myself. Now, that’s all the time I have for questions. Wrastlin’s about to come on.”

Being a credible journalist, I needed to verify this story, so I rushed from Arkansas to South Carolina to meet up with one of the conservative bloggers in person, William Joseph Cartwright III. He took a break from perusing Facebook political ads and greeted me warmly.

“Just researching a new article,” Cartwright said, minimizing the window. “The only source I trust for news now is Facebook ads. To your question about the president battling ISIS at night, I can only offer one small correction, given the distance, it’s actually daylight over there when he lands, which if you think about it, makes him even more badass. I mean, even Batman had to fight criminals under the cover of night. And think about the courage the president displays to endure the pain of his bone spurs while battling these terrorists. That real courage. American courage,”

Thrilled to have verification of this spectacular tale, I rushed home to compile this article, grateful to live in a country with such a stalwart leader.

Friday Afternoon Ramblings – 10/11/2019

We are the shining beacon for liberty to the rest of the world. We are the land of opportunity, the symbol of free speech, the bastion for religious freedom. We are the nation that turned the tide against the Nazis and crumbled the Soviet Union. We are the greatest nation on this planet and have always marched towards the future with optimism and certainty.

And now, we are have abandoned an ally to a foreign invader.

That is not okay with me. That represents a level of cowardice and disloyalty typically associated with cartoon villains. America is better than that. We as human beings are better than that. The Kurds fought alongside us against ISIS and shed their blood to help us take down that extremist foe which very much wants us wiped from the earth. ISIS represents the opposite of free speech and liberty, and we abandoned the allies who fought and died on our behalf.

That’s not okay. Not on any level. Not by any defense. President Trump is unfit to lead. He is unfit to be in charge of the most powerful military in the world. He needs to be removed from office sooner rather than later. We are better than this. We are better than abandoning our allies.

That’s all for now.

Wednesday Night Ramblings – 9/25/2019

I’ve made a conscious decision to stay out of politics for the last couple of years, but I think we are at a moment of history when a few questions need to be asked of conservatives who still support Mr. Trump. For most of my life, the stances of Republicans that I have admired most are those on states’ rights, free trade, personal accountability, and fiscal responsibility. My biggest question for conservatives is: Do you believe in and adhere to your principles, or do you support the party regardless of what principles its leaders espouse?

Conservatives claim to believe in states’ rights. However, when the state of California attempts to maintain its own standards for vehicle emissions, the president revokes that authority. Do you believe in this principle or not?

Obviously, Democrats tend to be anti-capitalism, but conservatives have always maintained that they believe in free trade. This president has done more to damage free trade and restrict it than any before him. The trade war and tariffs with China are spiralling the world into a recession. Manipulating markets and pressuring the Federal Reserve to undo the damage the trade war is doing to the economy are NOT free trade fundamentals. Do you believe in markets or not?

For the eight years of Mr. Clinton’s presidency, Republicans railed against his immorality and dishonesty. Slick Willie he was called. Mr. Trump also regularly makes false and misleading statements. Typically outright lies. He also is a womanizer. Do you believe in personal accountability or not? Why are you not as outraged by this person’s behavior as you were Mr. Clinton’s? Is it blind devotion to the party?

When Mr. Obama took office during the Great Recession, conservatives screamed from every outlet possible that the sky was falling because of the national debt and the continuation of the bailouts begun during the Bush administration. Well, under Mr. Trump, in an effort to mitigate the damage done by the trade war, more money has been given to farmers than was used to bailout GM. The national debt has mushroomed to $22 trillion dollars. Where is the conservative outrage over lack of fiscal responsibility? Do you believe in this principle or does it only matter when a Democrat is in the oval office?

My final question for conservatives is this: is there anything this president could do that would make you stop supporting him?

Tennessee Vols Ramblings – 9/21/2019

I feel a little “I told you so” is in order. Back in November 2012, I wrote a piece about what a mistake it would be to fire Derek Dooley at that point. The program was still reeling from the Lane Kiffin betrayal, and my point was that for the sake of stability and recruiting, not to mention the opportunity to search for a top-notch coaching candidate, the university should have given Dooley one more season. Of course, at the time, I was shouted down, ridiculed, and lambasted for saying such a thing. I wish I still had some of the screen grabs of the comments I got on social media.

You rabid fans, full of pipe dreams of Jon Gruden and Bill Cowher, wanted Dooley gone. Everything wrong with the program was HIS FAULT. You were the same fans who had said the exact same things about Randy Sanders a few years before, but I digress. In your irrational fervor, you were absolutely certain that a big name celebrity coach was going to waltz in, wave a magic wand, and return the program to glory.

Today, nearly seven years later, your football team is a joke, and I told you so.

Butch Jones was a terrible hire, but he was the best you were going to get amidst all of that chaos. To put it in perspective of how bad of a football coach Butch Jones actually was, he had Jalen Hurd starting in front of Alvin Kamara. That should tell you everything you need to know. To be fair, under Jones, the Vols played fairly well against the mediocre opponents, but your record against ranked SEC teams was 4-18.

Once again, you rabid fans are calling for the coach’s head. This time, Jeremy Pruitt has only been given a season and a quarter to rebuild the program. Barely two full recruiting classes. Still, you have been inundating talk radio with more venom and bile, flooding social media with negativity, and burning jerseys. After a season and a quarter. You idiots have no idea how much you are hindering recruiting and miring the university in less than mediocrity.

Until you accept that a coach, ANY COACH, needs time to bring talent into the program, you will remain a joke. Until you accept that the vast majority of the players currently in the starting lineup couldn’t make the roster of the elite SEC teams, you will remain a joke. Until you accept that it has been 20 years since you have been relevant as a national powerhouse and none of current recruits coming out of high school have seen this school compete for anything that matters, you will remain a joke.

And I told you so.

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