Tag Archives: ice

Climate Change Ramblings

Photo by Marty Carson

Because this winter has been especially harsh here in North America, I decided to do a little investigating on if the record cold temperatures and record snowfalls could be related to changes in the global climate.  Since all scientists are scheming to squeeze grant money from taxpayers and the Jew-run liberal media is using the climate as a conspiracy to spread socialism, I decided to interview unbiased experts in climatology.  I returned to Goose Rock, Kentucky and met with Bubba Blacklung, graduate of Oral Roberts University and meteorologist for the Goose Creek Missionary Baptist Church Newsletter.

“It’s purty clear that global warming’s just a hoax,” Blacklung said, lighting a cigarette.  “I mean, I’ve left my car running for two months straight, trying to warm things up a bit, but instead it just keeps gettin colder.  I knew all along it weren’t true cause I got an electronic mail from the World Wide Internet explaining how all science is just a tool of the Devil to turn our younguns into queers.  What could be more credible than an electronic mail?”

Now suspicious of the conspiracy, I rushed to South Carolina to speak with Joseph Cartwright III, conservative blogger and talk radio host for WHTE-All White, All the Time.

“Mr. Blacklung is right.  We on the frontline of this war between whi..er..I mean Christian values and the Devil worshiping scientists have been saying for years that this is just a conspiracy cooked up by Al Gore to control energy markets.  This cold weather is proof that Obama wasn’t born in this country.  I’ve gotten thousands of emails telling me that fact.  Thousands of forwarded emails from undisclosed origins can’t be wrong!”

Now convinced, I headed straight to Washington to share my findings with Billy Joe Oilmoney, Tea Party Senator from Texas and champion of all things American.

“This conspiracy is bigger than you think.  They want to bring down oil companies to destroy the American way of life.  Who ever heard of America innovating industries and leading the world in the advancement of technology?  That’s just dirty Commie talk.  America’s always run on oil and always will.”

Concerned for the American way of life, I pressed Senator Oilmoney on how long the world’s supply of oil would last at our present rate of consumption.

“That’s another lie spread by the Commies.  We got plenty of oil, enough to last years and years.  There’s no need to worry about our oil supply.  I mean, most of it comes from the Middle East, and what could be more stable than that region?  There’s no reason to believe that the flow of oil will ever be disrupted there.  Besides, Armageddon is on its way, and those of us who aren’t Devil-worshiping Commies won’t have to worry about this earth anymore.  I’ve got proof that the end is near.  Let me show you this email.”


Friday Afternoon Ramblings

Today is the anniversary of the coldest day on record here in East Tennessee, -24 degrees back in 1985.  I remember it vividly because my father and I got stuck in the snow (we had well over a foot, I do believe) about a half mile from our house and had to walk the rest of the way.  That’s the coldest I’ve ever been in my life.  The walk up and down hills in that snow was strenuous, and my lungs burned from breathing the frigid air.  I was 12, so to me it was a big adventure, but I remember my father being gravely worried about our exposure for that long.

The next morning, we left early to open his store, and my grandfather helped get us unstuck.  We used a woodstove to heat the store, and before I got the fire going, I remember every surface inside the building being ice cold.  Some items in glass jars had busted from freezing, which had never happened before and didn’t happen again for as long as he owned the store.  By noon the temp was up to 26 degrees, and Dad pointed out that the temperature had risen 50 degrees and was still below freezing.  Remembering that night and morning makes the weather today seem not so bad.


Monday Afternoon Ramblings

This post is for all the cowboys who think that driving carefully on snowy/icy/slushy roads is an affront to your manhood.  First, yes, your SUV/pickup/Jeep may have 4WD, but that only helps out in a straight line moving forward.  It offers no real assistance with turning or stopping.  The reason everyone else on the road has slowed down is because we understand this basic fact of physics.  Second, if your sense of manhood is so frail as to be wounded by demonstrating common sense, you have much smaller issues than the speed you’re driving, if you catch my drift.

Also, when there’s snow/sleet falling and visibility is greatly diminished, don’t bother tailgating me in some moronic attempt to make me speed up.  I’m smart enough to know that if I can’t see, I can’t drive fast, and none of your hyper-macho stupidity will change that.  You are the problem, and you are the one who will cause the vast majority of traffic fatalities, not me.  So take a deep breath, lean back in your seat, and slow the hell down.  This isn’t a NASCAR sanctioned event, and you aren’t Jr.  If it were a NASCAR race, they’d cancel it because the track would be too treacherous for racing.  Because they’re smart.

Okay, enough venting for now.  I need to live far away from people.