Tag Archives: healing

Wednesday Morning Ramblings

Only someone who has been torn down to nothing can fully appreciate getting back up and pressing onward. Only someone who has been wounded to the core of their being can understand the slow process of healing. People who have been through desperate trials and have come through the other side possess a wisdom and regard for life that fills us with soft light. We often recognize each other with little more than a glance and subtle nod. I’m not talking about run-of-the-mill heartache or grief. Everyone goes through that stuff, and while it usually grows and matures the individual, it rarely fills them with the soft light. For it, I’m talking specifically about the people who have been through overwhelming grief, complete loss of self, or a literal near death experience. Those of us who have been through those fires and come out reforged as better human beings understand and relish life differently from most.  Today, I’m asking my friends and readers who have been through those difficulties to step forward and help our country heal.

America is wounded right now, not just from the attack in Boston but from decades of political divisiveness and economic stagnation. As a nation, we are hurt and angry and on the verge of a complete breakdown. Our so-called leaders have failed us, concerning themselves more with special interests for the few than the well-being of the many. The church has failed us, focusing more on homosexuality than the care of the needy. Corporations have failed us, attending more to short-term profits than long-term sustainability. We as American citizens cannot count on these entities to help us rekindle and heal the American spirit. That onus falls to us as individuals, especially those of us who have survived real ordeals. We must reach out to each other on a personal level and communicate as individual human beings.

I ask each of you who understands what I’m talking about to reach out to someone in your community who opposes your viewpoint and have a real conversation with them. Not a political shouting match but a basic conversation about their children or grandchildren or jobs or dreams. Don’t push your ideology on them. Just listen. Share a story from your life. Those of us who have been through real ordeals can do a lot to help heal our communities by reaching out to those around us because we understand that healing doesn’t come from external sources. It comes from the inside, and the only way we will heal as a nation is on a grassroots level. It must begin with individuals.

Whatever darkness we now face, we can overcome it. People have faced much worse in the past. Whatever fractures in our society can be mended if enough individuals reach out to each other and find common ground. There may be difficult times ahead, but the basic human desire for individual freedom is still alive. The Civil Rights movement taught us that kindness and compassion can be contagious and are the best weapons against darkness and anger. Those of us who are filled with the soft light already know this, and it is our time to push back against the forces that want to rob us of our liberties and drown us in fear. Those of us who still believe in the promise of America must come together, regardless of political ideology, and help each other heal. The soft light is a powerful force. If you have it, now is the hour to let it shine.

Monday Night Ramblings

Part of the view in front of my place.

I’ve spent most of the today cleaning and organizing my place and sorting through and dealing with my emotions.  Yeah, I know how to party like a rock star for Spring Break. In all seriousness, though, it’s been fairly therapeutic, and while some of the emotions haven’t been pleasant, I feel like it’s important for me to go through this process.  From the bottom of my heart, I want to find a healthy place for me emotionally so that maybe one day I can have a positive, healthy, sustainable relationship, but before that can ever happen, I have to face some pain and let go of some anger.

In terms of my place, I made pretty good progress today.  My clothes are organized, and much of the mess from repairing the roof is cleaned up.  There’s still a lot to do to get it comfortable again, but any positive progress is good at this point.  As soon as it warms up, I’m going to finish tarring the roof to make sure all the leaks are completely sealed, and then I’ll work on replacing the insulation that got damaged from the leaks.  Once I’m finished, it’ll be a pretty cozy little writing haven.  On the emotional side, that’s a different matter.

Let me say first and foremost, to all of the women from my past, please forgive me for my shortcomings as a human being.  Any wrongs I may have committed — intentional or unintentional, real or imagined — were the product of my emotional immaturity.  To those who knew me before my marriage, please forgive me for the worst of my immaturity.  I was a dumb kid and pretty insecure and accept full responsibility for all of the flaws that were the folly of my youth.  Please know that I’m a better man today than I was back then, and please know my apologies are sincere.

To my ex-wife, please forgive me for not being the man you needed.  Forgive me for not finding financial success and for entering a profession that demanded so much of my time and attention.  We weren’t meant to be as a couple, and I’m sorry it took us 12 years to figure that out.  I wouldn’t change it because we created two beautiful sons, and they are the world to me, but you and I both know we never truly fit.  I may never be able to forgive you fully for Christmas Morning, because that was cruel and malicious, but I’m trying to let go of the pain and anger to be a better man for my sons’ sakes.

To the women I’ve known after my marriage, please forgive me for being so scarred and damaged.  I should’ve taken more time to heal.  My one real regret in life is that I allowed the pain and loneliness of missing my children to rush me into searching for something to fill that void.  It wasn’t fair to you or me, and I accept full responsibility for not being ready.  Please know that I accept all the blame because I should have been alone, finding myself and repairing my emotional scars.  I won’t repeat that mistake again and will remain alone for as long as is necessary.

To my friends, the ones who have been there through all of my turmoil these last five years, please know that I love you dearly.  If I could ever find a relationship as strong and healthy as my friendships, I would be the most blessed man on this planet.  You have picked me up from my lowest moments and stood by me through some pretty hard times, and I only hope I can repay you for all you have given me.  Thank you for not giving up on me and for accepting me with all my flaws.  Today was not easy, but I hope it was a step in the right direction for finding peace and stability in my life.

Thursday Morning Ramblings

I’m beat up, half broken-down, tired, and most days feel used up.  Between working in education and living on this roller coaster I call a life, I’m worn to a nub.  Most days, I’m pulled in every direction by student demands, academic duties, promotional efforts, family obligations, and my personal life, and there is very little left in my tank.  Something has to give soon, or I will not make it.  I’m saying these things, not to get pity or encouraging comments or anything else from anyone, but because I need to express just how depleted I am.  Life has beaten me down mercilessly, and I need a break from the beatings.

Here are my biggest issues that I need to work on as an individual to become a healthier, happier person.  First and foremost, I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  If I get angry, I eat.  If I get sad, I eat.  If I experience anything joyful or unpleasant, I eat.  Food is my drug, more than anything else, and for more than a year, I’ve been working on this issue and trying to overcome it.  Some days I succeed; some I fail.  I like to think I’m improving because I’ve lost a lot of weight, going from about a 44 inch waist to now below a 38, but I recognize that this is a battle I’ll have to fight for the rest of my life.

My second biggest issue is my temper.  I can make plenty of excuses for why I have such a short fuse, and many of those excuses are legitimate, justifiable reasons for carrying what I carry.  Nonetheless, I have to learn to let go of my frustrations and anger and become a more calm, laid-back, peaceful person.  I have to do this for myself, for my children, for my family, for the woman I love, and for my future.  If I don’t learn to let go of my anger, I will die too young.  That’s simply a fact.  As a man, I’m willing to admit that I need help overcoming this issue; I need to learn better coping mechanisms and healthier outlets for my frustrations.

In the past, I’ve been criticized from multiple sources for being too open, too public, too personal on this blog, and maybe there’s some truth to that.  Maybe I should keep my life more private.  Then again, this is who I am.  I started this blog as my outlet for expressing my thoughts and feelings on whatever subject happens to appeal to me on that day, and I intend to keep it that way.  I don’t care about creating a facade that tells the world I’m perfect and my life has no flaws.  That’s not authentic, not genuine, and not honest.  My life, just like every single other human being I’ve ever encountered, is flawed.  I’m flawed and am not ashamed of or scared of making those flaws known.  The only way I can grow as a person is to face those flaws head on and try as best as I can to learn and grow from my mistakes.  I happen to do that best by writing about them, by sharing them with my friends, and by listening to what others have to say.  If my openness and transparency is offensive to some or comes across as unprofessional to others, then please accept my apologies, but you don’t have to read this blog or share my life.  Take  me as I am, or don’t.  The choice is yours.  Right now, at this point of my life, my only concern is to heal my wounds and become a better man.