Tag Archives: relationships

Friday Evening Ramblings – 11/18/16

I’m making every effort to fill my life with people who inspire and nurture my creativity. Because of circumstances, my circle has gotten much smaller over the last couple of years, and after all I’ve endured and experienced, I simply have no more tolerance for lies, deceit, negativity, or anything else that distracts from my creative process. I am who I am–the good and bad, the pretty and ugly, the kindness and the scars. I’m all or nothing, full-tilt, pedal-to-the-floor-when-I-believe-in-something, and if you can’t accept me as I am and be fully open and honest with me, there’s no more room in my life for you.

I’m D.A. emeffing Adams, and I stomp upon this terra with all of the life spark that burns inside me.

I acknowledge that I have many flaws: I’m emotional and moody at times. I’m obsessive (um, writer). I can be overly dramatic and even melodramatic, too. I have serious trust issues because my ex-wife hid a relationship from me for years. I can brood with the best of them, and for the love of god please don’t piss me off. Oh yeah, and there’s that felony thing, as well. I acknowledge my baggage and don’t try to sweep it under the rug.

But I’m also kind and gentle; generous to a fault; tender and compassionate; supportive; funny; and one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. When I love, I love with all of my heart and soul, and I don’t know any other way. When I set my mind to something, I accomplish that task or work at it until all of my resources are exhausted. I’m a good listener, a good shoulder, and a rock for those who need it. All in all, I still think my good outweighs my bad, and I hope the people who still call me a friend will agree.

I hold out hope that one day I’ll meet the right woman who will love and appreciate me for not only my writing and creativity but also for my passion for the outdoors and rough-around-the-edges ways. But I also accept that it may never happen. I’m damaged and scarred, so maybe I’m no longer fit for a relationship. Despite it all, I still believe in love. I still believe that there’s a lot of love for me to share, and even if I can’t find the right woman to share my life with, I can share that love with my friends and family and even the world.

At the end of my road, I want to look back and see a life that mattered. One filled with creativity (right now I can’t say I’ve accomplished all that I’m capable of). One filled with love, compassion, peace, serenity, and laughter. One filled with the pursuit of knowledge and the sharing of that knowledge with others. One filled with an appreciation of both the sun and rain, for it takes both to make things grow. I want my life to be more than the accumulation of stuff or the acquisition of money. I want to leave this world a little better than I found it.

That’s all for now.

Let’s Build Our Community

From the outset, I intended for The Brotherhood of Dwarves to bind together a community of like-minded people.  I know I’m not alone in my weariness of the fear-mongering media, corporate fascism, varying degrees of religious intolerance, and divisive  politics that have ripped apart our society.  I would like to see this site become a place where we can discuss the real issues we need to address and not be bombarded by the pseudo-debates of Chik-Fil-A or Duck Dynasty that are little more than overblown publicity stunts.  I would like a community where we can disagree about our religious preferences without attacking each other’s intelligence levels. Let’s grow this community into a forum for discussing, with open minds and critical analysis, the issues we face.

At its heart, my series is about the triumph of personal relationships over materialism.  It’s a message I believe our culture, especially the current generation, needs to hear now more than ever.  I know this message is important.  I know it needs to reach a broader audience.  I also know that because that message contradicts the corporate narrative, it will never be accepted by the mainstream.  As has been the case from day one, I will have to grow my audience one reader at a time, but if we can turn this community into one that is more interactive and supportive, with open discussions, I believe we can create a beacon of light for those seeking answers as to why materialism is so unfulfilling.

That will be my focus moving forward, to create a community for people who need to find their place in a world that is overrun by greed, fascism, and commercialism.  I hope you will help out by commenting on more posts and engaging in open discussions.  That’s all for now.

Venting Ramblings

This post will be highly personal, so if you don’t like that sort of thing, stop reading and find some cat memes.  There’s a high probability that I’ll use a considerable amount of profanity, too.  Just so we’re clear, this post won’t be optimistic or upbeat; it won’t be about my children or my books or education.  No this post is a diatribe directed at the women who have done me wrong, and I don’t care if they ever read it.  There are just a few things I need to get off my chest.  Anyone who disagrees with any of the facts as I state them is free to start their own blog and write whatever version they believe to be true.  However, for this post, I will delete any bullshit comments that I don’t want to see.

I’ll start with what I see as my biggest flaws as a man and partner.  I have a temper.  I can keep my cool really well up to a point, but once you cross that line, I will explode, and yes, I can be quite frightening when I snap.  For clarity’s sake, let me also interject that I’ve never ever struck a woman, so please, don’t get the wrong impression of me.  When I’m tired, I become withdrawn and distant.  When I’m stressed, I become even more so.  I can take this to some pretty far extremes, so I know that can make me a difficult man to live with.  I’m possibly one of the most stubborn assholes you’ll ever meet.  Don’t believe me?  Piss me off or tell me I can’t accomplish something.  I’m also a creative scatter brain and quite messy.  I recognize these flaws in myself and accept that they can make living with me a challenge.

But I still believe my positives as a man and human being far outweigh my negatives.  First and foremost, if I’ve ever told you that you were the only woman in my life, I fucking meant it.  You never had to wonder where I was or who I was with, ever.  I went to work and came home to you.  If I hadn’t wanted the commitment, I would’ve remained single.  If you had doubts about that, those were your own insecurities coming out, not anything I intentionally did.  If my fidelity wasn’t valuable to you, I don’t know what to tell you.  You had men before me who were unfaithful, so you should’ve known what it was worth.

Okay, so I’m not romantic.  I get that you want that unrealistic, Hollywood version of the man who never forgets flowers and always knows the perfect thing to say, but guess what?  That’s fucking make believe.  I expressed my love by doing the dishes, putting up the laundry, mowing the yard, holding your hand, touching you tenderly, and sharing the deepest parts of myself with you.  I don’t know how how else to show my feelings without it seeming phony to me.  Maybe I didn’t do enough in your eyes, but I know I tried my best.  I tried to comfort you when you were distressed, give you a shoulder to lean on when you wanted it, and listen when you needed to rant.  Unless you pushed me beyond my limit, I was kind, considerate, and gentle (if you made my temper flare, you saw a side not so kind and considerate).  I treated you as my equal, not my servant or nurse or personal chef.  I rarely ever asked you specifically to do something for me, and I often returned the favor if I did, whether it be stopping at the store or grabbing something from the fridge.  I know that’s not romance, but god damn isn’t being treated decently worth anything?

I stood by you through difficulties, like infertility or your teenage son running away for a fucking month.  I held you to sleep on nights when you cried.  I gave you something strong and stable to lean on, and if I ever ran away, it was because you made me feel like all that I am and all that I gave was not appreciated or respected.  I only turned my back on you because you made me feel unwanted, and I’m too proud and too stubborn to stay any place where I’m not wanted.  However, my loyalty for standing by you through your lowest was never repaid, at least not in full.  You can argue that if you like, but I know it in my heart.

I can accept when a relationship ends.  I can accept that people grow apart or realize things aren’t working.  I can move on.  I can allow feelings to dissolve over time.  What gets to me is cruelty.  Whether it was leaving me on Christmas Day, cheating on me, sending me insulting messages, spreading rumors about me that simply aren’t true, or finding ways to twist the knife just one more time, it bothers me because I know I fucking deserve better.  I’ve never in this life done anything to deserve some of cruel things you did to me.  You’ve tried to twist it around to somehow make me the bad guy, but I know I didn’t hide an affair behind your back for eleven years or misplace anger that should’ve been directed at your sons.  I tried everything I could not to start fights and avoid them, but I will admit my fault of allowing you to push me beyond my limit and then getting ugly.

I admit that working in education has made me financially strapped.  I admit I can’t afford nice things, especially now with child support.  I live humbly and don’t really mind.  You claimed you wanted a simple life.  You claimed you didn’t want or need me to support you, but whenever things got rough, you made damn sure to throw in my face that I can’t give you all the materialistic bullshit.  You made damn sure to tell me about those who could.  In the end, it really was all about the money.  Deny it all you want, but I’m fairly certain my good qualities would’ve been more than enough if Brotherhood had roared up the charts.  If you’re reading this, yes, you.  You can say whatever, but actions speak louder.

I have no idea what my future holds.  I have no idea if I’ll ever have another relationship or if I’ll grow old and feeble alone.  I’m trying my damnedest not to grow cold and bitter, but when I think about unappreciated I’ve been, it’s not easy.  You didn’t appreciate the person I am, the kindness and decency and simple goodness.  You didn’t accept my faults.  You may say you did, but you always found a way to criticize me in some way.  If you’re reading this, yes, you.  I’m not willing to allow another woman ever to disrespect the decency I offer again.  I’m far from perfect, but I fucking damn sure deserve better than what you gave me, and I won’t ever allow anyone to treat me as a doormat ever again.  Deny it if you want, but I know how you made me feel, and I didn’t deserve that.  Time will be my test.  I hope to live long enough to see what one day after the other reveals, and if it reveals that I’m completely wrong, I’ll swallow my pride and reexamine myself.  Until that day, I will try to keep love and decency in my heart and push back against the creeping bitterness.