Monday Night Ramblings

Part of the view in front of my place.

I’ve spent most of the today cleaning and organizing my place and sorting through and dealing with my emotions.  Yeah, I know how to party like a rock star for Spring Break. In all seriousness, though, it’s been fairly therapeutic, and while some of the emotions haven’t been pleasant, I feel like it’s important for me to go through this process.  From the bottom of my heart, I want to find a healthy place for me emotionally so that maybe one day I can have a positive, healthy, sustainable relationship, but before that can ever happen, I have to face some pain and let go of some anger.

In terms of my place, I made pretty good progress today.  My clothes are organized, and much of the mess from repairing the roof is cleaned up.  There’s still a lot to do to get it comfortable again, but any positive progress is good at this point.  As soon as it warms up, I’m going to finish tarring the roof to make sure all the leaks are completely sealed, and then I’ll work on replacing the insulation that got damaged from the leaks.  Once I’m finished, it’ll be a pretty cozy little writing haven.  On the emotional side, that’s a different matter.

Let me say first and foremost, to all of the women from my past, please forgive me for my shortcomings as a human being.  Any wrongs I may have committed — intentional or unintentional, real or imagined — were the product of my emotional immaturity.  To those who knew me before my marriage, please forgive me for the worst of my immaturity.  I was a dumb kid and pretty insecure and accept full responsibility for all of the flaws that were the folly of my youth.  Please know that I’m a better man today than I was back then, and please know my apologies are sincere.

To my ex-wife, please forgive me for not being the man you needed.  Forgive me for not finding financial success and for entering a profession that demanded so much of my time and attention.  We weren’t meant to be as a couple, and I’m sorry it took us 12 years to figure that out.  I wouldn’t change it because we created two beautiful sons, and they are the world to me, but you and I both know we never truly fit.  I may never be able to forgive you fully for Christmas Morning, because that was cruel and malicious, but I’m trying to let go of the pain and anger to be a better man for my sons’ sakes.

To the women I’ve known after my marriage, please forgive me for being so scarred and damaged.  I should’ve taken more time to heal.  My one real regret in life is that I allowed the pain and loneliness of missing my children to rush me into searching for something to fill that void.  It wasn’t fair to you or me, and I accept full responsibility for not being ready.  Please know that I accept all the blame because I should have been alone, finding myself and repairing my emotional scars.  I won’t repeat that mistake again and will remain alone for as long as is necessary.

To my friends, the ones who have been there through all of my turmoil these last five years, please know that I love you dearly.  If I could ever find a relationship as strong and healthy as my friendships, I would be the most blessed man on this planet.  You have picked me up from my lowest moments and stood by me through some pretty hard times, and I only hope I can repay you for all you have given me.  Thank you for not giving up on me and for accepting me with all my flaws.  Today was not easy, but I hope it was a step in the right direction for finding peace and stability in my life.

2 thoughts on “Monday Night Ramblings”

  1. Spring cleaning is good, whether it involves the area we live in physically or emotionally. But spring cleaning of the soul is the hardest of all. Thank you for sharing this highly personal piece. You strike me as a very emotional man, and that is something, in my experience at least, truly rare. May you find healing. Best wishes.

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