Category Archives: General Posts

Sports, relationships, parenting, literature, education, and more. If it catches my interest that day, I’ll write about it.

Late Night Ramblings


I wrote on here a couple of weeks ago about the neurological issues I’ve been dealing with for the last 8 months or so, and now that I seem to be on the mend, I want to share more details of what I went through.  Back in 1989, I suffered a pretty severe head trauma and have lived with the side effects of post-concussion syndrome ever since.  For the first year, I had a constant headache, and not your run of the mill one either.  To this day, a headache has to pretty severe for me to even notice it.  For about 10 years or so, I would  occasionally lose focus on where I was and what I was doing.  It would sometimes take me a minute or two to come back to full consciousness, but fortunately, that symptom faded with time.  The three that have remained are sensitivity to light, trouble with word recall from time to time, and poor equilibrium.  To me, they are minor nuisances that I’ve grown to accept and live with.

Several years back, I started noticing a random tremor in my left hand.  It was infrequent and rarely lasted for more than a few seconds, so I figured it was just another effect of the injury.  Then, last summer, that hand started giving me lots of issues.  The trembling became nearly constant, and sometimes I would get a severe cramp that would draw my middle fingers together in a painful knot that took several minutes of rubbing to undo.  By mid-September, the trembling had spread to my right hand, though not as severe or constant.

Around this time, I also realized that mundane tasks like walking, especially on stairs, writing, and typing took extreme amounts of concentration.  I could still function, but it took all of my effort to do them.  My muscle strength was fine, but getting my muscles to respond took everything I had.  With each step, I felt like my legs were glued to the floor and didn’t want to lift.  Just holding a pen steady was maddeningly difficult, and while typing, I would constantly miss keys or hit two at once.  I went from being able to easily type 60 words a minute to struggling to complete 30.  Also, I noticed that my handwriting on the board kept getting smaller, especially the longer I wrote.  My arms and legs often felt like they were either very far away from my body or disconnected altogether.  After doing some preliminary research on WebMD and the Mayo Clinic, I was terrified I had either Parkinson’s or MS.

Then, in late September/early October, the muscle spasms started.  They would happen sporadically and without warning at odd places on my body.  Usually, they were in my legs or arms, but a few times, they occurred in my abdomen and once on my upper lip.  They weren’t painful, more just annoying, and they would last anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes.  I never knew when or where they would hit.

Then, sometime in October, the worst symptom hit.  The only way I can describe it is that I felt like I was dying.  Some days were worse than others, but the sensation never went away.  There were days when just getting out of bed took everything I had, and making it through each day at work required every ounce of energy I could muster.  The feeling was so real and terrifying I actually wrote letters to my sons in case something did happen to me.  I lost count of how many times I broke down crying from the fear.  To further complicate the situation, the doctors had no idea what was going on.  Every single test kept coming back normal, and as I wrote before, my neurologist treated me as if I were imagining the whole thing.  I know I wasn’t imagining that feeling of death.

The whole experience was a nightmare, and I’ve never felt so helpless and alone.  Today, fortunately, I feel like I’m healing.  The death feeling faded within weeks of cutting out gluten, and the muscle spasms have all but ceased.  I still have some trembling in my left hand, and my coordination isn’t 100%, but everyday I feel a little better.  If you are experiencing any unexplained health issues, I urge you to look at gluten as a potential culprit.  The effects of the sensitivity can mimic nearly anything, and it affects everyone in different ways.  The cure is simple, and there’s about a 6 month healing process.  If you are of Scots-Irish heritage, you are highly likely to have the sensitivity, so please, don’t ignore the possibility.

Thursday Morning Ramblings


I’m a misfit, always have been.  I’m equal parts dreamer, pragmatist, gypsy, homebody, mischief maker, and father.  I’m just as happy working on the land covered in mud as I am promoting books at a convention.  My musical tastes range from Concrete Blonde to Merle Haggard to Art Tatum.  I’ve never felt at home anywhere except with my children, and when I love, I love with all I am.  I’m laid-back and easy going, until something pisses me off, and then you’ll see my Scots-Irish heritage.  I’m thick-skinned and sensitive, prideful and humble, stubborn and reserved, all stuffed inside one hard head and tender heart.  Some days, it’s exhausting just living with all these complexities.

I’ve paid my dues and been through my fair share of adversity.  I don’t want anyone’s pity, but sometimes, I damn sure could use a hug.  I’m trying desperately hard not to grow bitter and cold because I’d rather learn and grow, but each time life knocks me down, that gets a little harder.  I’ve nearly given up on finding my partner but don’t want my love to wither away.  I’m perfectly capable of caring for myself and don’t need anyone to do anything for me, but it would be so nice to have someone to share things with.  That said, right now, I can’t even imagine having another committed relationship because I have too much healing to do.

Sitting here at 39, mulling these thoughts, I’m equally hopeful and terrified.  My writing career seems finally to be gaining some traction, and the foundation of my platform is solid, so for the first time in many years, I sense real progress in my career.  I’m also hopeful that I’m on the right path to heal my wounds.  Living alone, focusing on work, and taking time to sort through myself is the right step, but I’m terrified of never getting there, of waking up 20 years from now used up and alone.  Maybe that fear is just a product of the pain I feel today, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

On Saturday, I was on a panel called “The Writing Life,” and we discussed the day in, day out of crafting stories, but we didn’t discuss this side.  The complexities of personality and sacrifices of personal life it takes to be a professional novelist.  Some people are lucky enough to have a supportive partner with them on their journey, so their experience is different from mine, but I know that what makes me a writer is also what makes me hard to live with sometimes.  There’s a great line from the song “Nowhere Road” by Steve Earle and Reno King about being a musician, but I think it applies equally to any art:  “But there’s a toll to pay / so if you’re going / the keeper of the gate is blind / so you best be prepared to pay.”  That pretty well sums up my feelings on where I am in my life today.  I’ve chosen this road and am paying the toll to get across.  While I wouldn’t change anything, some days I question whether the sacrifices will ever be worth it.  But like I said at the beginning, I’m a misfit.  This is who and what I am, so either accept me as I am or don’t waste my time.

Con Nooga Ramblings

connooga
First off, let me say that Con Nooga 2012 was an excellent event and an awesome weekend.  An enormous shout-out and thanks to Todd and Robby for putting together such a great event.  I’ve been a guest author at this convention for four straight years, beginning with the second year it was held, and each year it has grown and gotten better.  It’s a good feeling to be a small part of something like this, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to share in the experience.  This year, there was an energy to the show that was palpable, and that energy spread throughout the entire convention.

Things started a little shaky because the hotel had made some changes to the space where the exhibitors’ hall was located, and a handful of us authors had to be moved to a different building.  At first, it felt like a slight to be booted from the hall, but as the weekend progressed, our new location turned out to be a blessing.  Also, I fully understand the reasons why we had to be moved and no longer feel as if there was any malicious intent behind the decision.  It’s all part of the growing pains as a convention expands its reach, and again, the new location ended up providing us with excellent foot traffic throughout the weekend.

On Friday, Stephen Zimmer and I made the decision to work our table for as long as the building was open each day, which meant we were at our booth pretty much the entire weekend.  It was exhausting but allowed us to reach a lot more people than we could have otherwise.  I would estimate that 1/3 of our sales for the weekend came after the exhibitors’ hall had closed, so it was worth scrapping our plans for relaxation on Friday and Saturday nights and working the crowds that came through our hallway.  We may have missed out on a little fun, but as I’ve always said, I go to conventions to work, not play.

This year, I only had three panels total, which was a little light for my usual load, but I feel like the three I did participate in were excellent, and I received positive feedback from both my fellow panelists and many people in the crowd at each one.  Andy Deane, Sean Taylor, and Allan Gilbreath are always a blast to work with, and each panel was well-attended by attentive, curious audience members.  It truly doesn’t get much better than that.

The coolest thing that happened for me all weekend was Saturday night.  Andy’s band, Bella Morte, was playing in our building at 10:00 PM, and for three years, I’ve been trying to catch them live.  Unfortunately, every time we’ve been at the same show, something has come up that prevented me from attending.  This year, I decided that I was going to the concert no matter what, and Stephen was gracious enough to watch the booth by himself while I went.  I met some very cool people in line before the show and had a great time cutting up and joking during a 30 minute sound check delay.  Despite the delay, the show was outstanding.  Bella Morte has a great sound, and Andy has an excellent voice.  It was the first concert I’ve been to in many, many years, and while I feel like my rock and roll days are behind me, I loved being there.  Before the last song, Andy took a moment to acknowledge me in the audience and plug both mine and Stephen’s books, and that was a truly special moment for me.  It’s not everyday I get hyped at a rock concert, and I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.

I don’t want to mention any one reader for fear of leaving out someone, but thank you to all of my friends and readers who came by the booth.  All of you are special to me, and I appreciate each and every one of you.  Your support and feedback and encouragement are what sustain me.  With all I’ve been through in the last five years, from the failure of my marriage to the couple of heartbreaks to the illness, you guys have been there for me, and I wish I could express my gratitude fully.  This weekend was an excellent step in the healing of my body, heart, and soul and reminded me of what truly matters in life.  I look forward to seeing everyone at Con Nooga 2013.