The following is a job posting for teachers of the future:

Position Details

Working Title: Instructor

Department: English/Spanglish

Pay Rate: $30,000-$36,000

Job Summary/Basic Function:

Full-Time, Non-Tenure Track with benefits.  Will serve as primary babysitter for apathetic college freshmen who would rather be playing Mafia Wars.  Each day will consist of conveying information to an audience of blank stares and drooling mouths.  Will be held accountable for the progress of each student regardless of their effort or attendance.  Will compete for their attention against You Tube, Facebook, MySpace, and porn.  Must overcome 13 years of substandard grade school education in 15 weeks.

Must work well with others and demonstrate teamwork on mandatory committee service.  Must listen to the pet peeves of burnt-out intellectuals who refuse to compromise on minuscule details of unnecessary documents meant to appease government bureaucrats.  Must continually pursue professional development to remain current in your field, even if the fundamentals of your field have not changed for 3,000 years.

Seeking a creative, innovative and energetic individual who can successfully use diverse strategies with students of varying abilities and backgrounds.

Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities:

Must have thorough knowledge of Word, Excel, PowerPoint, PhotoShop, DreamWeaver, All Adobe Applications, WebCT, and must remain current on all software advances.

Minimum Qualifications:

Master’s degree in English/Spanglish with emphasis in composition and rhetoric, plus $50,000-100,000 student loan debt.

Preferred Qualifications:

The ideal candidate will be single with no children of their own.  Also, they will have no expectation of a social life.  The ideal candidate also will have no capacity to think for themselves or question administrative decisions.  The ability to juggle chainsaws a definite plus.  Should also be able to project an air of authority without trampling tender emotions.

Work Hours:

15 hours per week in class. 15 hours per week in office.  10 hours per week for lesson planning.  20 hours per week for grading. 2-3 hours per week for committee responsibilities.  5-10 hours for professional development. 1-2 hours for community service.

Must be available to answer student emails 24/7.

Special Instructions to Applicants:

A partial lobotomy prior to hire is recommended.

Open Until Filled