Tag Archives: satire

Trump Man Ramblings – 11/2/2019

Because of my close affiliation with Billy Joe Oilmoney, I was recently invited to take a sneak peak at the proposed slogans for Donald J. Trump’s reelection campaign. Coming soon to a bumper sticker near you:

Trump 2020-

10) Let’s get women back in their place.

9) Thinking for yourself is too much work.

8) Freedom has a price…tag.

7) Liberty and justice for some.

6) Putin has more goals.

5) Book learning is for sissies.

4) Good Ole Putin.

3) They can’t indict a sitting president.

2) Who needs allies?

1) Fuck it. America had a good run.

After seeing the list, I’m confident in the direction the GOP is heading.

Nancy Pelosi Ramblings – 10/5/2019

With human scum like Mitt Romney and Pat Robertson turning against the President, I wanted to check in with Representative Billy Joe Oilmoney to get a feel for how House Republicans are holding up during this siege against the White House.

“Well hell, old boy, I just don’t rightly know what to think,” Oilmoney began, looking pensive. “This here country is going to hell in a handbasket. That feller in Tennessee was right, the white man ain’t got no rights anymore. Did you see what Nancy Pelosi did to the president the other day? Shameful. Shameful, I tell you. A woman acting superior to a man.”

Curious, I pressed for more information.

“My granpappy used to tell me that the day women got the vote was the day this country started downhill. I mean, just look at us now. They got their heads full of notions that they can do anything they want. A woman pointing her finger at a man like that. Just shameful.”

As he spoke, veins bulged in his neck and forehead, and his face turned a darker and darker shade of purple. Not wanting to further discomfort his sensibilities, I excused myself and made my way to the Senate to find Rob R. Barron VI to get a feel for how the Senate was preparing for a potential impeachment hearing.

“I’m late for my tee time with the President, so we’ll have to talk more later, but I can assure you that I will impartially review any evidence the Speaker of the House uncovers.”

Since the Senator didn’t have time to talk, I traveled down to South Carolina to get a feel for how a Republican woman feels about the current Speaker of the House. I sat down with my old pal Bonnie Busybody, graduate of South Carolina State Technical Community College with an Associate‚Äôs in Office Administration and former Tea Party activist.

“Well, you know, I’ve tried to defend this President through it all. I mean, during the campaign, I thought he could grab my pussy anytime he wanted. And when he stood up to China, I was like, show them Chinks who’s boss. But when I saw Nancy Pelosi stand up to him, I thought he looked awful weak and wimpy sitting there letting her scold him. And then he went and doubled down on being wimpy with the whole Syria thing, so I guess I don’t want him grabbing my pussy anymore.”

Enlightened by these three perspectives, I look to America’s future with a steadfast sense of pride and optimism.

Mean Liberals Ramblings – 10/21/2019

With so much fake news swirling around cable TV and the liberal media, I wanted to get a sense of how real Americans feel about our leader’s great and unmatched wisdom. I traveled to Goose Rock, Kentucky to sit down with Bubba Blacklung, graduate of Oral Roberts University, meteorologist for the Goose Creek Missionary Baptist Church Newsletter, and political commentator on Konrad K. Kristian’s Big Blog of Merica. After exchanging pleasantries, I asked Bubba how he viewed recent current events.

“Well, it’s been raining the last couple days, so I reckon God’s sad with all that’s going on in Warshinton.”

Confused, I pressed for details.

“Them liberals like Mitt Romney are saying mean things about the Trump Man. God don’t like when people say mean things about an evangelical leader like Trump.”

I asked how Bubba saw the situation with hosting the G7 summit at Doral.

“I used to smoke Dorals. Real good cigarettes, so I reckon they ought to be good enough for them world leaders. I don’t know what liberals got so upset about.”

Confused, I asked for clarification.

“Them liberals are just mean for saying mean things about this here president. Ain’t no one stood up for Merica like the Trump Man. Our farmers are thriving, coal mines are booming, and manufacturing is stronger than ever. I know cause Fox News told me so. Them liberals are just big meanies for being mean to a good, white, Christian like the Trump Man.”

With all the fake news about climate change, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to question a real life meteorologist about the extremes of severe weather being experienced all over the world.

“I reckon God is just extry upset over Bill O’Reilly being unfairly squeezed off the tellyvision, so His tears is extry big now or days. Them liberals are ruining the world, I tell ye.”

Heartened to have conversed with someone so tuned in to current events, I returned home with a new sense of pride for America’s future.

Trump Man Ramblings – 10/19/2019

Given all the fake news leveled against the president by the Jew-run liberal media, I decided to investigate for myself the veracity of all these canards being spread. To this end, I visited my old friend Cletus McOnetooth of Ellis Chapel, Arkansas.

“Let me tell ya,” Cletus said. “People can say what they want about the Trump Man, but he’s one bad hombre.”

I pressed for details.

“Looky cheer, our prezzydent has single-handedly taken out ISIS. Each night, after all them press sissies have left the once-again White House, the Trump Man flies his hellycopter over yonder and fights against those A-rabs with his six shooters and bare fists. Even though that overrated General Mattis said it would take two years, the Trump Man got it done in just one month. All by hisself, mind ye.”

Astonished by the courage and skill of our fearless commander-in-chief, I implored Cletus to share how he had learned of these daring escapades.

“Well, every since them social media queerfolk made it hard to find Alex Jones online, I started following a bunch of conservative bloggers, and I just pieced it all together myself. Now, that’s all the time I have for questions. Wrastlin’s about to come on.”

Being a credible journalist, I needed to verify this story, so I rushed from Arkansas to South Carolina to meet up with one of the conservative bloggers in person, William Joseph Cartwright III. He took a break from perusing Facebook political ads and greeted me warmly.

“Just researching a new article,” Cartwright said, minimizing the window. “The only source I trust for news now is Facebook ads. To your question about the president battling ISIS at night, I can only offer one small correction, given the distance, it’s actually daylight over there when he lands, which if you think about it, makes him even more badass. I mean, even Batman had to fight criminals under the cover of night. And think about the courage the president displays to endure the pain of his bone spurs while battling these terrorists. That real courage. American courage,”

Thrilled to have verification of this spectacular tale, I rushed home to compile this article, grateful to live in a country with such a stalwart leader.

Rocky Top Ramblings – 12/02/2017

BNRsgnx

Breaking News from sources close to the University of Tennessee. The Vols have finally landed their dream coach as Philip Fulmer has convinced Jon Gruden to leave the broadcast booth and take over the helm of one of the most storied programs in college football history.

“This is a great moment for the city, the university, and the state,” a source close to university officials stated earlier this evening. “Coach Gruden is the only man who can return this football team to its rightful place in the Citrus Bowl.”

Details of the deal are still unavailable, but insiders avow that Gruden will be the highest paid coach well into the next millennium.

However, even with this historic signing, controversy has erupted around campus as students, parents, and faculty are mobilizing to block the hiring of the lovable icon known as Chuckie for his unusual resemblance to the movie character.

“According to official documents, we have learned that Jon Gruden once shared a commercial flight with a man who is close friends with Matt Lauer’s neighbor,” claims Professor of Psychology Dr. Jen Touchyfeely. “Clearly, we cannot condone the university hiring somebody so closely linked to someone fired for being accused of inappropriate behavior.”

Not only that, a spokesperson for the university’s chapter of Young Feminists on Campus claims to have solid proof of rumors that Gruden occasionally watched Charlie Rose on PBS and once laughed at a joke by Louis C.K.

“Look, we are in the midst of a serious witch-hunt here,” interjects local talk radio personality Ima Deballer. “We are fueled by emotional knee-jerk reactions and mass hysteria over accusations against powerful men. There is no room for rational discourse or physical evidence. Anyone who questions these allegations clearly supports rape culture.”

However, some students are not convinced.

“Look, we have a tradition to uphold at this university,” states Slosh D. Frat III. “We have to loathe our coaches as scapegoats for the inadequacies of literacy rates and median household incomes in this state. We haven’t had a football coach to lambaste on talk radio for nearly a month. This [expletive deleted] university needs to hire a [expletive deleted] football coach to return meaning to my brief periods of sobriety or I’m transferring to a school with a real coaching carousel.”

Due to the turmoil surrounding the university and the national wave of copycat behavior by executives in response to allegations of improper behavior, the University of Tennessee has rescinded its offer to Jon Gruden and is contemplating hiring the first female football coach in NCAA FBS history.