Following the lead of Utah in adopting the Browning Revolver as the official state gun, the state of Mississippi is moving to adopt a new symbol of its own. While the majestic magnolia blossom is the official state flower, leaders in this proud and diverse state believe they need a new symbol to more accurately portray the state’s vision for the future.
“The time is right,” says Konrad K. Kristian, business leader and Tea Party activist. “We Mississippians need to embrace our heritage and return this state to its once proud stature in this union, and we in the Tea Party believe that this symbol send the proper message.”
Curious to learn more, I pressed Mr. Kristian for more details surrounding the as-of-yet unveiled icon.
“Well, you don’t seem like one of them socialist members of the Jew-run liberal media, and you are blond haired and blue eyed, so I reckon I can trust you with this information.”
He reached underneath the counter and produced a picture frame covered by a velvet cloth. Slowly, like a highly skilled exotic dancer, he pulled the velvet away from the picture. Having covered world events as dangerous and threatening to world peace as the Grenada invasion, I thought I was emotionally prepared for anything, but even my hardened journalist’s sensibilities were shocked by the icon: On a dark background for contrast was a picture of a tightly drawn noose swinging from a tree branch.
“Ain’t it beauteeful?” Konrad asked, his eyes welling with tears.
“Um, do you think it might offend the African-Americans of this state?” I asked.
“Well, it might offend the sensitive ones, but in our new vision for America, them sensitive liberal types don’t have much say so anyway.”
Shocked and dismayed by what I had seen, I politely excused myself and rushed to Washington to speak with Rob R. Barron VI and Billy Joe Oilmoney, the two most prominent Tea Party members in the Senate. After I had described the icon to them, both men stared at me blankly.
“Aren’t you offended?” I asked.
“Why would we be offended?” Oilmoney responded, his voice rising an octave. “The folks of Mississippi have a right to embrace their heritage.”
“You don’t find this racist?”
“I knew you liberals would find a way to twist this around to racism,” exclaimed Barron. “We in the Tea Party don’t hate minorities. We’re not against minorities. As a matter of fact, some of my favorite athletes and entertainers are black, and all of my servants are Hispanic, so I don’t know where you could get the idea that I’m racist.”
“Look,” interjected Oilmoney. “That noose is just a symbol of the strength and vitality of the people in charge in Mississippi, and nooses don’t kill people. Depending on the knot, it’s either a snapped neck or lack of oxygen that kills people. A noose in the hands of law abiding citizens is harmless, so don’t go trying to demonize a piece of rope.”