This is a follow up to the entry from this morning. It was brought to my attention that some of what I wrote could be misconstrued as an insult to my father and his efforts to provide for his family. Let me say as clearly and directly as possible that I respect and admire my father more than any other person I’ve ever known. A big reason for our struggles back then was a partner who robbed their business blind, skipped town, and left my father holding the bag. Instead of giving up and feeling sorry for himself, my father rebuilt a new business and made it fairly successful. During that time, he often worked two and sometimes three jobs to keep us afloat and sacrificed more than any one person should ever have to sacrifice for his family. If anyone mistook what I said as a criticism of him, please know that my father is one of the strongest, hardest working, and greatest human beings ever to grace this planet, and I have utmost respect and admiration for the job he has done as a parent and provider.
Tag Archives: family
Tuesday Morning Ramblings
I wrote last night about how I have come to question all of the major decisions of my life, but I left out one decision I don’t regret. In my life, I’ve had every excuse to be a lowlife. My mother is bi-polar, and my childhood was a roller-coaster of her tumultuous outbursts from unbridled rage to threats of suicide. It would’ve been very easy for me to use that as an excuse to sit on my ass, abuse drugs, mooch off of others, and be a leech, but I chose to fight to overcome the obstacle.
We were also fairly poor for most of my childhood. At one point we lived in a single-wide trailer with no running water, no AC, and only a kerosene heater in the winter. I could’ve used that disadvantaged background as an excuse to become a thief or a drug dealer or some other form of a burden on society, but I chose to fight to overcome the obstacle, and while I’ve never really achieved anything resembling financial success, I’ve remained a productive contributor to society for my entire life.
At 16, I suffered a terrible accident that ended every dream and plan I had for my future. I could’ve used that as an excuse to give up and never amount to anything, but I chose to fight to overcome the obstacle.
After my marriage ended, I had every excuse to become one those men who uses women, takes advantage of them, cheats on them, mooches off them. I could’ve become that man, and most people would’ve shrugged and said that my spirit had been broken by the betrayal I endured. But I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and chose to remain true to the man I am inside. No woman, no person on this planet, not even my sons, will change who I am inside. I will not lower myself to becoming one of those men for any reason or under any circumstance. Instead, I will fight to overcome the obstacle.
So there is one decision that I’ve made in my life that I am proud of and I do not regret. I’ve chosen to remain true to myself and fight through every obstacle and boundary and betrayal that’s been placed in front of me. I always have and always will choose to be a decent human being who is a productive member of society, even if that society doesn’t appreciate it. I will always choose to fight for the core of who I am, and I will never allow myself to become the kind of lowlife who lies, cheats, mooches, and shirks responsibility.
Late Night Ramblings
Sometimes, I feel as if every decision of my life has been wrong. I question going to college when I had the opportunity to run a fairly successful business my father owned. Instead of a mountain of student loan debt, I could possibly still have that business. I question attending Memphis. I question studying writing. I outright regret attending graduate school. All of these decisions have hampered my professional career and left me little more than a second class citizen in a nation that only rewards greed and corruption.
I married the wrong woman and then compounded that mistake by staying in the marriage much too long. I love my children and wouldn’t trade them for anything, but the marriage was a mistake and has hampered every aspect of my life to this day. I also regret how I handled my divorce, conceding way too much and leaving myself with too few rights as far as my children are concerned. I also regret not taking the first two years after the divorce, staying alone, and healing.
I question my decision to teach for Tusculum, to teach period, but especially for them. Simply put, they are a terrible school that treats their faculty like dirt. I regret wasting my youth on them. I also question my decision to return to education after I had escaped. WSCC is a good school, but I’m no longer happy teaching and wish I had done something else.
I question my decision to self-publish. I can’t really say it’s amounted to anything other than a few good friends and a handful of good memories. Financially, it was a disaster. Given the opportunity to go back, I probably wouldn’t do it over.
In short, just about every major decision of my life has been wrong in one way or another. I feel like a fool of the grandest scale and also feel like I can’t trust my own judgment.
Big Owl's Tree 