Tag Archives: nature

Thursday Morning Ramblings


I’ve reached the point in my teaching career where I feel like I’m wasting my life.   The skills I teach, writing, critical thinking, and to a lesser extent reading, seem life relics of a bygone era, and every semester, not only are the students less prepared coming into class, they also tend to act more resistant to learning even the basics.  Sure, there are the occasional gems and the dedicated adults, but their numbers dwindle with each year.  Now, after 14 years in the classroom, I truly feel burnt out, used up, frustrated, and ready for a substantive change.

Those who have followed me for a while have heard me gripe about these feelings before, but now, I can’t stress loudly enough that I really, really, really need out.  I feel like I’m suffocating from the demands of the job, and with each passing hour of class prep and grading, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve lost yet another hour that could’ve been spent doing something more productive and more fulfilling for me.  Right now, I’m honestly only here for the paycheck, and considering how paltry the money is in comparison to the effort required, that’s simply not adequate motivation to continue.

The downside is that I know I’m stuck for at least another year and a half because I’m too close to having my retirement vested to walk away today, and while that amount of money may not be enormous, it is enough that I would be stupid not to tough it out for at least 18 more months.  But with every single day and every single essay graded, I feel a little piece of myself die and know  the time wasted on most of the papers is that much less time left in my life to write my own works.  I know there are some of you who feel trapped in your jobs and can relate to what I’m expressing.

The good part is now that my health is coming back, my focus is returning to the farm.  Without that prospect of hope, I’m not certain I could make it, but having the opportunity to get it going provides me with at least the sense of an escape route.  Over the next few months, I’m going to throw myself back into that project and make as much progress as I can.  With a little luck and a lot of hard work, hopefully it will become productive enough that two years from now I can walk away from education permanently.  One of the only things I know for certain is that I don’t have much more than that left in me.

Harry Crews Ramblings


I was 19 or 20 when I met Harry Crews.  I was a junior at Memphis and a member of the Honor’s Program in the English Department.  Gordan Osing, a poetry professor, wanted to organize an interview with Crews, who was there as part of the River City Writers series, and the decision was made to find volunteers among the Honors students to each read at least one of his novels and then develop 3-4 questions for the interview.  I had never heard of Harry Crews and knew nothing about him, but the picture above was the promotional photo for the River City poster, so as a young, aspiring writer, I figured he looked like someone I would dig.

The book I read was Karate is a Thing of the Spirit, and I was blown away by the gut-wrenching grittiness of the narrative.  Because I had no clear understanding of how to interview anyone about anything, the questions I came up with were pretty lame, and I don’t think any of mine made it into the final draft of the interview.  At the time, my feelings were a little hurt, but now I recognize that I was out of my league at that point of my development.  For me, however, the real highlight of that experience was getting to have breakfast with Harry Crews the morning of the interview.

We were supposed to meet him at the campus dining area around 8:30 or 9:00, and when I arrived, he was sitting at one table and talking to two people I didn’t know.  My fellow interviewers were at another table, staring at him with a combination of fear, frustration, and awe on their faces.  I asked what was going on, and they responded that he was already there and talking to the other two people when they arrived, and none of them wanted to interrupt him.  One even admitted to being scared of him.

Maybe I was just young and foolhardy.  Maybe I was driven by my ambition to learn the craft of writing.  Maybe my life experiences up to that point gave me a boldness they lacked, but I walked straight over to him, introduced myself, and explained that we were waiting for him at the other table.  He shook my hand, and even in his late 50’s his grip was like iron.  He explained politely but sternly that he would only join us if his new friends could come with him.  I told him no problem, and the three of them rose from the table.

Back then, I was still in pretty good shape from years of lifting weights and working, and as he stood, he commented to me that I either had good genes or had spent a lot of time in the weight room.  I told him that and chopping wood, and he slapped me on the shoulder and said, “Hell, that’s even better, boy.  Me and you’ll get along just fine.”  I thanked him and called him Mr. Crews, but he insisted that I call him Harry.

At the table, the other interviewers barely spoke to him, but he and I talked for nearly the entire hour, covering everything from tobacco farming to lifting weights.  We got pretty in-depth on the subjects of football, steroids, and Lyle Alzado, who had been a friend of his.  He described seeing Alzado shortly before his death, how the once 290 lb slab of muscle had been eaten down to a 150 skeleton by cancer.  There was a look in his eye and a tone in his voice of true sadness as he talked about him.  That conversation is one of the pivotal moments of my life and career, and I hope as age and decay take me that the memory will stay with me until my end.

Growing up in a rural, fairly impoverished area made me feel often like an outcast in college.  Yes, I had intelligence and skill, but more than once I heard classmates utter pejoratives about my hillbilly upbringing.  Few if any of them had been raised in an environment similar to mine, so few of them could relate to me.  Before meeting Harry, I often doubted if I could ever make it as a writer, but during that conversation, I heard a man who spoke a lot like my grandparents and parents, who had been raised a sharecropper, who lifted himself out of poverty far worse than I had ever known to become an internationally renowned novelist.  In short, he was one of my biggest idols.

Those couple of days he spent at the university were the only time I ever got to meet him, but over the years, I’ve read and reread virtually everything he’s ever written.  There are two or three of his newer works I haven’t gotten to yet, but I’ve read most, and his writings have been one of the greatest influences on my writing style.  So I’m hurting that he’s gone, even though he probably wouldn’t have remembered me and even though he had gotten pretty sick there towards the end.  One of my heroes has passed on, and my heart is heavy for him and his family.

Rest in peace, Harry.  You were one hell of a unique man, one hell of a writer, and one hell of an inspiration to this hillbilly.

Harry Crews: June 7, 1934 – March 28, 2012

Friday Morning Ramblings


Dear sons, I want you to know what an amazing, beautiful place this world can be.  Of course, there are difficulties and adversities to overcome, but there are also triumphs and splendors to relish.  I want both of you to search for and see the beauty on this earth because life truly is what you make of it.  If you wallow in the negative and allow the bad people to engulf you, your life will be miserable, but if you accept the bad as opportunities to learn and grow, then you can appreciate the good.  Simply put, your life on this earth can be either heaven or hell, and the only thing that determines which is your attitude.

That’s not to say the hard times and bad people can’t be challenging.  There will come moments in your life when you feel hopeless.  There are obstacles that will seem insurmountable.  There are pains that feel overwhelming.  But even the worst storms of my life have eventually passed, and once they have gone, I’ve come out the other side a better man, not because there is anything special about me but because I’ve allowed myself to learn and mature.  Sitting here at 39 and looking at my life, I can honestly say that today I understand the importance of how my attitude and perspective shape the way I respond to both the good and bad.

For you boys, I hope you learn this early and follow it throughout your lives.  You will be much happier and healthier if you live with a positive attitude.  Life has a way of giving back to you what you send out, and the people who are the most miserable, in my experience, are the people who wallow in self-pity and look for someone or something to blame and never learn to accept their own part in their failures.  On the other hand, the happiest are those who take responsibility for their own lives, learn from their mistakes, and forgive the people who have wronged them.  That’s the kind of person I want you both to grow into.

The best advice I can give you for achieving this end is to find pleasure in and appreciate the mundane.  Notice and relish as many sunrises and sunsets as you can, for each is unique and spectacular.  Notice the beauty and sophistication of nature, for even the simplest blade of grass is a miracle of complexity.  Respect and appreciate the fragility of life, all life, for death is the one bond we all share, from the simplest bacteria to the most complex person.  If you’ll wake each day aware of these simple things and appreciate each day as a new opportunity to have a positive impact on the world, you will be much happier, and my wish for both of you is to find your happiness and live your lives growing into the best of who you are.