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Thursday Evening Ramblings

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What a two days!  I have a newly found respect for roofers because laying that tar for several hours on end was a lot more taxing than I realized.  I had done some small repairs previously, and the small jobs weren’t so bad, but this one took it out of me.  The good news is I got most of the hard stuff done.  The bad news is there’s still a lot more to go.  With the weather looking the way it is, I may put that off for a couple of weekends.  Hopefully, what I have finished will prevent any leaks until I can finish the rest.

Despite being a little sore and ragged, I love physical labor.  Nothing is quite as therapeutic for me as hard work.  It clears my mind and allows me to focus solely on the task at hand.  Even if just for a few hours, all of my problems vanish, and it’s just me and the job.  Those of you who enjoy working in your yards or building something by hand probably know what I’m talking about.  Those of you who don’t should try it.  There’s not much more relaxing, and the instant gratification of seeing the job complete satisfies you quite nicely.

There’s still much to be done.  I have to finish and organize the inside and clean up around the outside, but considering the condition when I started, I’m content with the progress so far.  If I can do a little each day, by the time the boys are here, it should be a safe, cozy little place for us to hang out and play in.  The last time they were here, they loved the motor home and thought it was the coolest place they’d ever been, so hopefully by the time I’m done, they’ll love it just as much this time.

That’s about all today.  Tonight, I need to rest my body.  Tomorrow, I’ll get back to work and hopefully make more progress, and I hope to write a much more entertaining entry.  Until then, I hope everyone has a wonderful evening.

General Posts

Monday Night Ramblings

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Part of the view in front of my place.

I’ve spent most of the today cleaning and organizing my place and sorting through and dealing with my emotions.  Yeah, I know how to party like a rock star for Spring Break. In all seriousness, though, it’s been fairly therapeutic, and while some of the emotions haven’t been pleasant, I feel like it’s important for me to go through this process.  From the bottom of my heart, I want to find a healthy place for me emotionally so that maybe one day I can have a positive, healthy, sustainable relationship, but before that can ever happen, I have to face some pain and let go of some anger.

In terms of my place, I made pretty good progress today.  My clothes are organized, and much of the mess from repairing the roof is cleaned up.  There’s still a lot to do to get it comfortable again, but any positive progress is good at this point.  As soon as it warms up, I’m going to finish tarring the roof to make sure all the leaks are completely sealed, and then I’ll work on replacing the insulation that got damaged from the leaks.  Once I’m finished, it’ll be a pretty cozy little writing haven.  On the emotional side, that’s a different matter.

Let me say first and foremost, to all of the women from my past, please forgive me for my shortcomings as a human being.  Any wrongs I may have committed — intentional or unintentional, real or imagined — were the product of my emotional immaturity.  To those who knew me before my marriage, please forgive me for the worst of my immaturity.  I was a dumb kid and pretty insecure and accept full responsibility for all of the flaws that were the folly of my youth.  Please know that I’m a better man today than I was back then, and please know my apologies are sincere.

To my ex-wife, please forgive me for not being the man you needed.  Forgive me for not finding financial success and for entering a profession that demanded so much of my time and attention.  We weren’t meant to be as a couple, and I’m sorry it took us 12 years to figure that out.  I wouldn’t change it because we created two beautiful sons, and they are the world to me, but you and I both know we never truly fit.  I may never be able to forgive you fully for Christmas Morning, because that was cruel and malicious, but I’m trying to let go of the pain and anger to be a better man for my sons’ sakes.

To the women I’ve known after my marriage, please forgive me for being so scarred and damaged.  I should’ve taken more time to heal.  My one real regret in life is that I allowed the pain and loneliness of missing my children to rush me into searching for something to fill that void.  It wasn’t fair to you or me, and I accept full responsibility for not being ready.  Please know that I accept all the blame because I should have been alone, finding myself and repairing my emotional scars.  I won’t repeat that mistake again and will remain alone for as long as is necessary.

To my friends, the ones who have been there through all of my turmoil these last five years, please know that I love you dearly.  If I could ever find a relationship as strong and healthy as my friendships, I would be the most blessed man on this planet.  You have picked me up from my lowest moments and stood by me through some pretty hard times, and I only hope I can repay you for all you have given me.  Thank you for not giving up on me and for accepting me with all my flaws.  Today was not easy, but I hope it was a step in the right direction for finding peace and stability in my life.

For Collin and Finn

Friday Morning Ramblings

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A pic from one of our first weeks together.

Dear sons, one day, I hope you’ll look back at these posts and know what a profound impact you had on my life.  Even though I was 31 when Collin was born, I didn’t really become a man until that day, and being your father has been the most important role of my existence.  None of the professional accomplishments measure up to the satisfaction of those times I’ve gotten to keep you guys for a week or two at a time.  To this day, my proudest achievement is the first time I kept you boys alone for that 11 or 12 day stretch, feeding you every meal, bathing you each night, and getting you to sleep.  Collin, you were 4, and Finn, you were not yet 2.  Being able to care for you by myself and keeping you safe and healthy for that long made me feel better about myself as a person than anything before or since.

Life without you hasn’t always been easy.  When you are in Florida and we have months to go before we’ll see each other again, I miss you more than words could ever express, but all I have to do is think about the times we’ve spent together, and I smile.  There’s a moment with each trip after we’ve endured the long drive and gotten settled at home, when you boys start running around and playing with all of the toys you haven’t seen in months.  At some point, you both start laughing, and that sound soothes and heals me more than anything.  On my hardest days, the memories of your laughter get me through the darkest moments.

My only real regret in life is that I’m not able to have you guys more often or for longer periods.  So far, circumstances have prevented that from being a realistic possibility, and while I love talking to you on the phone, it isn’t a good enough substitute for holding you, hugging you, and seeing you with my own eyes.  My biggest goal in life is to have more time together, and I promise that I’m working as hard as I can to make that a reality.  Please, don’t ever think, even for a moment, that I don’t want to spend more time with you because there is not one second of my life that I don’t miss you boys and wish we were together.  One day, you’ll be old enough to understand the logistics of making even one trip happen, but until that day, I hope you know in your hearts that Daddy would trade everything for more time with you.

I love you guys and can’t wait to see you again.