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Tuesday Morning Ramblings

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I wrote last night about how I have come to question all of the major decisions of my life, but I left out one decision I don’t regret.  In my life, I’ve had every excuse to be a lowlife.  My mother is bi-polar, and my childhood was a roller-coaster of her tumultuous outbursts from unbridled rage to threats of suicide.  It would’ve been very easy for me to use that as an excuse to sit on my ass, abuse drugs, mooch off of others, and be a leech, but I chose to fight to overcome the obstacle.

We were also fairly poor for most of my childhood.  At one point we lived in a single-wide trailer with no running water, no AC, and only a kerosene heater in the winter.  I could’ve used that disadvantaged background as an excuse to become a thief or a drug dealer or some other form of a burden on society, but I chose to fight to overcome the obstacle, and while I’ve never really achieved anything resembling financial success, I’ve remained a productive contributor to society for my entire life.

At 16, I suffered a terrible accident that ended every dream and plan I had for my future.  I could’ve used that as an excuse to give up and never amount to anything, but I chose to fight to overcome the obstacle.

After my marriage ended, I had every excuse to become one those men who uses women, takes advantage of them, cheats on them, mooches off them.  I could’ve become that man, and most people would’ve shrugged and said that my spirit had been broken by the betrayal I endured.  But I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and chose to remain true to the man I am inside.  No woman, no person on this planet, not even my sons, will change who I am inside.  I will not lower myself to becoming one of those men for any reason or under any circumstance.  Instead, I will fight to overcome the obstacle.

So there is one decision that I’ve made in my life that I am proud of and I do not regret.  I’ve chosen to remain true to myself and fight through every obstacle and boundary and betrayal that’s been placed in front of me.  I always have and always will choose to be a decent human being who is a productive member of society, even if that society doesn’t appreciate it.  I will always choose to fight for the core of who I am, and I will never allow myself to become the kind of lowlife who lies, cheats, mooches, and shirks responsibility.

General Posts

Late Night Ramblings

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Sometimes, I feel as if every decision of my life has been wrong.  I question going to college when I had the opportunity to run a fairly successful business my father owned.  Instead of a mountain of student loan debt, I could possibly still have that business.  I question attending Memphis.  I question studying writing.  I outright regret attending graduate school.  All of these decisions have hampered my professional career and left me little more than a second class citizen in a nation that only rewards greed and corruption.

I married the wrong woman and then compounded that mistake by staying in the marriage much too long.  I love my children and wouldn’t trade them for anything, but the marriage was a mistake and has hampered every aspect of my life to this day.  I also regret how I handled my divorce, conceding way too much and leaving myself with too few rights as far as my children are concerned.  I also regret not taking the first two years after the divorce, staying alone, and healing.

I question my decision to teach for Tusculum, to teach period, but especially for them.  Simply put, they are a terrible school that treats their faculty like dirt.  I regret wasting my youth on them.  I also question my decision to return to education after I had escaped.  WSCC is a good school, but I’m no longer happy teaching and wish I had done something else.

I question my decision to self-publish.  I can’t really say it’s amounted to anything other than a few good friends and a handful of good memories.  Financially, it was a disaster.  Given the opportunity to go back, I probably wouldn’t do it over.

In short, just about every major decision of my life has been wrong in one way or another.  I feel like a fool of the grandest scale and also feel like I can’t trust my own judgment.

General Posts

Monday Afternoon Ramblings

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Here is an update on the farm.  Over the weekend, I finished the new section of wall along the far end.  It’s not perfect, but it should be a decent improvement to the old wall that had gotten damaged by water, weeds, and pests.  Overall, the building is coming along nicely.  The flooding issue is nearly completely under control, and the outer wall should go up fairly quickly.  Even though I’m far behind the original schedule I had set, I feel pretty good about the progress that’s been made so far.  Right now, I hope to have the building usable in the next five weeks.

Once the building is in a usable condition, I’ll focus on getting the prototype operational.  The biggest obstacle to that will be buying all of the equipment, but one way or the other, I’ll make it happen.  It’s important to me to get the first unit off the ground and find out if it works efficiently.  If so, things may begin to happen quickly.  If not, then I’ll figure out what direction to go.  The most important part is to have the prototype working so that I can know whether or not I’m on the right path.