Category Archives: New Ramblings

Humor

Climate Change Ramblings

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Since Climate Change is a conspiracy created by Al Gore and disseminated by the Jew-run liberal media, I decided to check with religious experts for answers to the weather extremes we’ve been experiencing in the South.  I traveled to Goose Rock, Kentucky and met with Bubba Blacklung, graduate of Oral Roberts University and meteorologist for the Goose Creek Missionary Baptist Church Newsletter.  I asked Mr. Blacklung what has been causing all of this rain that has flooded the Southeast and claimed so many lives.

“As we all know,” he began.  “Rain is nothing more than God’s tears, and since that nig…uh…socialist got elected president, God’s crying extry hard.  As long as the White House ain’t white, we’ll keep on seeing God’s tears flood the earth.”

I then asked if barometric pressures could be the cause.

“Well, I don’t see what music has to do with weather.  I guess if someone sang off key real bad that could cause God to cry.”

Confused, I asked about the geography classes he studied at ORU.

“They learned me real good about how to predict the weather.  If God gets sad it rains.  If He’s mad, it lightnings.  If He’s happy, we get sunny days to go fishing on.  Now, no one knows how to predict God’s moods, so that’s why it’s so hard to get the weather right.”

When I asked if scientific advancements like Doppler Radar and satellite imaging had made meteorology more accurate, he became agitated.

“Looky cheer, them fancy devices are nothing more than spy cameras so them socialists in Washington can keep an eye on us.  There ain’t no way a big golf ball can read God’s mood, so if you’re gonna talk that devil-talk nonsense, you can march yourself right on out of cheer.”

I apologized for the misunderstanding.

“Doppler Radar!” he scoffed.  “Next thing you’ll be telling me is they have big machines that can look inside the human body and find diseases.”

Humor

Education Ramblings

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The FDA released a new report this week, warning of the catastrophic dangers of finals week.  While anyone who has successfully navigated one understands the sleep deprivation, caffeine over-stimulation, and short term memory taxing, the study sheds new light on the less known side effects of finals week.

It turns out, grandmothers are more likely to pass away just before or during this time than any other period of the year.  In fact, the average student will lose 8.7 grandmothers over the course of their academic career during finals weeks alone.  While death is common, grandmothers are also more likely to suffer hip-shattering falls, strokes, and heart attacks, leaving them in critical condition in ICU for the entirety of this seven day span.

Grandmothers are not the only ones at risk, however.  According to the study, cars are 2,874% more likely to break down on a trip to class during this week.  Most prone seem to be tires, followed by batteries, alternators, and fuel pumps.  Fortunately, cars rarely suffer catastrophic failures during finals week and are usually repairable by Friday afternoons.

“These data are troubling,” says Dr. Lottastatz, who pioneered the study.  “Instructors all across the nation indicate that the stress of finals takes its toll on innocent victims.  Something has to be done to stem the tide of this horrific pandemic.”

Skeptical of the devil-worshiping scientist, Fox News conducted its own study on this phenomenon and came to a startling conclusion.

“We determined that the socialist regime of Barrack Obama has been forcing euthanasia on these grandmothers for decades,” says Dr. Fullofshitz, graduate of the Oral Roberts School of Spiritual Science.  “And because the government now controls the entire auto industry, the CIA is sabotaging cars to force people to buy new ones.”

When told of this theory, Dr. Lottastatz was outraged.

“Dr. Fullofshitz is full of shit,” Dr. Lottastatz insisted.  “Our data go back for decades before Mr. Obama was even born.  Where do they get this bullshit?”

However, both scientific rational thought and superstitious paranoia are at a loss for how to stem the tide of this hidden terror that shrouds finals week.  It seems that as long as unprepared students are faced with the challenges of final exams, grandmothers and cars will be in harm’s way.

www.thirdaxe.com

Humor

Climate Change Ramblings

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In the past few weeks, we’ve had floods, earthquakes, volcanoes, and other natural disasters sprinkled throughout the news.  Since science is incapable of understanding these events and the Jew-run liberal media won’t report on them accurately, I decided to return to Arkansas and learn more about these phenomenon from a real expert, Cletus McOnetooth’s pastor, the Reverend Jack Fleecer.  The Reverend Fleecer doesn’t allow the Satanic influence of science to muddle his view of the universe.  Instead, he relies upon what the spirit tells him about the world around us.

“All these here disasters,” Fleecer explains.  “Are predicted in Revelations.  This world was only meant to last 12,000 years, and according to everything we know about history, the world is now about that old, so of course everthing is fallin apart.”

As a concerned parent and responsible person, I was obviously worried, so I asked what I could do in light of such a terrible end.

“Well, first thing, you need to donate money to a worthy cause.  My church just so happens to be taking donations for our ‘The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth Bunker’ we’re building right here in Arkansas.”

Seeing my curiosity, the reverend offered me a tour of the bunker, which was being constructed on the east wing of his house.  The bunker is two two stories tall, has a hot-tub and jacuzzi, and receives both cable and satellite TV.  There’s a game room with a pool table and a fully stocked bar.  The reverend assured me that the bar is only stocked with church approved beverages such as Budweiser and bourbon, so none of his congregation has to worry about picking up something fruity at the liquor store.

“We figure the meek will want some basic comforts after the rapture, so we’re building this here bunker to be state of the art.  Until I’m called home, my job is to test out these comforts and make sure the meek will have a comfortable place to inherit.”

“That reverend is some special man,” Cletus explained.  “Before I met him, I spent all my money on frivolous things like mud-flaps and car stereos, but now, I spend it on more enlightened things like the bunker for the meek and pro wrestling tickets down in Memphis.  And ever week, I tithe the church at least 10% of my paycheck.  I know my money is being well-spent cause I can see the bunker growing and expanding ever week.  It feels good to give to such a worthy cause.”

Unfortunately, my interview had to be cut short, as the good reverend had to attend a Tea Party meeting.

“We’re gonna head down to Little Rock,” the reverend said.   “And protest lower prescription drug costs for the elderly and prohibition of pre-existing condition exclusions.  Them insurance companies have a God-given right to extort this nation, and we won’t stand for no ni…er…socialist trying to stop em.”

“Everbody knows,” Cletus added.  “That all them earthquakes and volcanies is God’s dislike for that Mus…er…socialist in the White House.  He weren’t even born in this here country.  Hawaii, like that’s even a real state.”