Category Archives: New Ramblings

Gay Marriage Ramblings

There’s a pandemic brewing in this nation, one that threatens to erode the foundations of our society.  If left unchecked, this pandemic will undermine the very fabric of our communities.

This pandemic is gay divorce.

While some gay couples still fight for the right to get married, others are now struggling to get their vows undone.  Courthouses are filled with gay couples who just a short time back stood in line to join in marital bliss but now regret walking down the aisle.  Unfortunately, as of yet, there is no legislation regulating the rights of gays to disband a marriage.

“Well, we just didn’t think about it,” says a congressional leader from Massachusetts who wishes to remain anonymous.  “We worked so hard to pass the right to marry that we didn’t think we’d need any laws for divorce.  We were all a little naive, I guess.”

According to conservative bloggers, the right to divorce from a gay marriage undermines the institution of marriage.

“If gay couples can’t stay united in matrimony, what kind of a signal does that send to kids?”  asks William Joseph Cartwright III, a conservative blogger from South Carolina.  “The next generation will see this example and think that marriage is no big deal.  Before you know it, there will be drive-thru wedding chapels.  Marriage is a sacred institution that must be respected.”

Gay couples, however, are defending their right to divorce:

“For 20 years, we were the perfect couple,” states Alice McButchy, gay married woman and owner of Alice’s Home Security.  “Then, after we got married, she started in with all this crap about how I never pay attention to her anymore and how we don’t do anything together.  It’s been a nightmare.  Our sex life has even diminished.”

Straight divorced men have even joined the debate.

“I hate to say I told you so,” says Johnny Bitterman.  “But we tried to tell gay couples that marriage wasn’t worth it.  Like everything else, they had to find out for themselves.  I’ve been married and happy, and let me tell you, I much prefer happy.”

As legislators scramble to write new laws regarding division of property and alimony specific to gay couples, conservatives are urging action.

“Write your congressional representative and urge them to stop gay divorce,” Cartwright says.  “Stand up for the sanctity of marriage and force gay couples to stay together.  If they are allowed to divorce willy-nilly, the whole concept of marriage as we know it will become an empty shell.  Gay couples need to preserve their marriages and set a good example for the children.”

Tea Party Ramblings

After American Idol last night, there was a knock on my door.  I wasn’t expecting company, so it was a little unsettling.  I peeked through the peephole and couldn’t believe my eyes.  I stood there, unable to move.  The knock came again, more impatiently this time, so I opened the door, my heart about to beat through my chest.

On my doorstep was Das Fuhrer himself, Adolph Hitler.  Well, his apparition, anyway.  He’s been dead for 65 years.

Unsure of the etiquette for meeting the most maniacal leader in history, I invited him in, and for an Austrian/German, his English was impeccable. After I prepared hot tea, he and I sat on the couch and exchanged pleasantries, but he quickly got down to brass tacks.

“I need someone to write my story,” he said.  “And Fox News wouldn’t return my calls.  You’ve been doing a great job on your blog recently, so I trust you to be honest and fair.”

I blushed.  Hitler’s a fan.

“I’m mad as hell over these recent comparisons between Barack Obama and myself,” he began.  “How dare they compare me, the most ultra-right-wing dictator in the history of the universe, with a mixed-breed moderate who compromises with his opposition.  It’s outrageous!”

I swear, a tear welled up in his left eye, however briefly.

“I give the world rockets, jets, and the interstate highway system, and I’m repaid with this slander.  When the Jews insult me, it’s understandable.  We had our differences.  But my own constituents?  How can they turn on me like this?”

I offered my condolences.

“And what the f**k happened to Quentin Tarantino?  Resevoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Death Proof, all brilliant.  What the f**k was he thinking with Inglourious Basterds?”

I must admit I had no answer.

“Anyway, you’ve been a gracious host, but my day pass is about to expire.  I must get back to hell.  Lucifer’s a real dick about punctuality.  And people thought I was a dictator?  The stories I could tell.”

With that, he excused himself, leaving me in stunned silence.

Education Ramblings

The following is a job posting for teachers of the future:

Position Details

Working Title: Instructor

Department: English/Spanglish

Pay Rate: $30,000-$36,000

Job Summary/Basic Function:

Full-Time, Non-Tenure Track with benefits.  Will serve as primary babysitter for apathetic college freshmen who would rather be playing Mafia Wars.  Each day will consist of conveying information to an audience of blank stares and drooling mouths.  Will be held accountable for the progress of each student regardless of their effort or attendance.  Will compete for their attention against You Tube, Facebook, MySpace, and porn.  Must overcome 13 years of substandard grade school education in 15 weeks.

Must work well with others and demonstrate teamwork on mandatory committee service.  Must listen to the pet peeves of burnt-out intellectuals who refuse to compromise on minuscule details of unnecessary documents meant to appease government bureaucrats.  Must continually pursue professional development to remain current in your field, even if the fundamentals of your field have not changed for 3,000 years.

Seeking a creative, innovative and energetic individual who can successfully use diverse strategies with students of varying abilities and backgrounds.

Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities:

Must have thorough knowledge of Word, Excel, PowerPoint, PhotoShop, DreamWeaver, All Adobe Applications, WebCT, and must remain current on all software advances.

Minimum Qualifications:

Master’s degree in English/Spanglish with emphasis in composition and rhetoric, plus $50,000-100,000 student loan debt.

Preferred Qualifications:

The ideal candidate will be single with no children of their own.  Also, they will have no expectation of a social life.  The ideal candidate also will have no capacity to think for themselves or question administrative decisions.  The ability to juggle chainsaws a definite plus.  Should also be able to project an air of authority without trampling tender emotions.

Work Hours:

15 hours per week in class. 15 hours per week in office.  10 hours per week for lesson planning.  20 hours per week for grading. 2-3 hours per week for committee responsibilities.  5-10 hours for professional development. 1-2 hours for community service.

Must be available to answer student emails 24/7.

Special Instructions to Applicants:

A partial lobotomy prior to hire is recommended.

Open Until Filled