Category Archives: New Ramblings

Healthcare Ramblings

Now that the first six provisions of healthcare reform are enforceable laws, I decided to take a look at how these provisions are affecting those at the highest end of the economic spectrum.  I traveled to Minneapolis, MN and sat down with Iwanna Getindempokets, the largest shareholder of United Health Group.  I first asked how the new laws had affected him professionally.

“It’s very difficult to explain,” he said.  “Before, our job was so easy.  Someone got sick, we dropped them from coverage.  We didn’t have to worry about taking care of ill people.  Now, we can’t just collect monthly premiums.  We actually have to look at the costs of healthcare.  It’s so time-consuming.”

As a healthcare consumer, I asked him if he thought healthcare insurance providers had an obligation to make sure their customers received the services they paid for monthly.

He stared at me blankly.

I rephrased the question and asked if healthcare insurance providers should pay claims.

“We’re in the business of making money,” Getindempokets responded, becoming agitated.  “How can we make money if we have to spend money?”

Seeing his agitation, I grew concerned for his well-being, so I asked him how the reform had affected him personally.

“It’s been hell,” he said, a tear forming.  “My wife is so worried about the dip in profits, she’s actually cancelled her plans to buy our third vacation home.  It was going to be in Costa Rica, but that won’t happen now.”

He paused and took a deep breath.

“The worst, though, is how all of this has affected my daughter.  She’s my only child, you know.  When things affect you and your spouse, that’s one thing, but when things affect your children, it cuts more deeply.

“My daughter’s dream was to be the world’s first trillionaire.  She had her heart set on it, but thanks to the selfishness of so many Americans, that probably won’t happen.”

As a parent, part of me empathized with him.

“Paris Hilton has gotten to follow her dream of being a coked-out international slut.  Why can’t my daughter have her dream of being a trillionaire?  It’s just not fair.”

He paused, and his pained expression became one of anger.

“I’ll never forgive President Obama for signing those provisions into law.  That ni…uh…socialist has no right to make big business provide the goods and services for which it charges hefty sums.  This country is moving in the wrong direction.”

With that, his Blackberry went off, and he motioned for me to leave his office.  As I exited the luxury suites of the executive floor, I couldn’t help but wonder if the evil socialists in Washington could sleep at night, knowing how they had trampled the dreams of a little girl.

Education Ramblings

Recently, I got the opportunity to testify before a congressional sub-sub-committee meeting on education reform.  Since elections are just around the corner, the representatives wanted to accomplish something positive before adjourning for their fall respite.  The following is a transcript of our meeting:

Delaware (D):  As chair of this sub-sub-committee, I call this meeting to order.  Massachusetts, you have the floor.

Massachusetts (D):  Mr. Adams, what do you see as the biggest need in our education system?

DA:  Well, students need…

Texas (R):  I object to that question on grounds that it promotes a socialist agenda.

Massachusetts (D):  According to recent f***ing polls, Americans rank education as important.  The question is f***ing valid.

DA:  Students need…

Utah (R):  The only problem with education is that students no longer say “One nation, under God.”  If we just added that back in, all of our problems would vanish.

Florida (D):  Separation of Church and State!

California (D):  We should convene a sub-sub-sub-committee to examine the effects of separating church and state on students’ emotional needs.

Texas (R):  That’s socialism if I ever heard it!

DA:  Students need…

Minnesota (D):  I’m certain that you’ve thoroughly researched your prepared testimony before arriving at this meeting.  Could you just forward a synopsis to my office so that my assistants can review your findings and brief me?

Kansas (R):  We need to remove any reference to science from our textbooks so that we can get back to being the world standard for education.

Massachusetts (D):  Are you f***ing stupid?  That doesn’t even make any f***ing sense.

Texas (R):  If you weren’t such a lily-livered, godless commie socialist, it might.

California (D):  We need to establish a sub-sub-sub-committee to explore the emotional toll of removing science from textbooks.

DA:  If I could just say…

Vermont (D):  I think we should table this agenda point until our next session after the elections.  My polls indicate that the public opposes the president on this issue, and I don’t want to seem in allegiance with him.

Texas (R):  Yeah, let’s table this here dogie until the herd is driven to market.

Massachusetts (D):  You a f***ing Harvard grad.  You wouldn’t know a f***ing dogie from a Volkswagon.

Texas (R):  That’s a Nazi car.  I knew the president was just like Hitler.

Delaware (D):  Unfortunately, our time is up.  Mr. Adams, your input has been insightful.  Thank you for your time.

I left the meeting proud to be an American.

Healthcare Reform Ramblings

That evil, socialist healthcare reform begins to phase into effect today.  Here are the dastardly provisions that become law now:

1. Insurance companies will no longer be able to deny children coverage for pre-existing conditions.  (Damn socialists wanting children to have health coverage.  Damn them.  Damn them to hell.  How can our country be moving in that direction?)

2. Children of parents with insurance will be allowed to remain covered under those policies until the age of 26.  (Make the little fuckers get a job.)

3. Insurance companies will be forbidden from terminating coverage for any other reason than customer fraud.  (How can health insurance companies make billions in profits if they actually have to keep sick people on the books?  Again, how can our country be moving in such an evil direction?)

4. Insurance companies will no longer be able to cap the amount of benefits and treatment a person can receive in a lifetime.  (Jesus fucking Christ, is there no justice for large corporations trying to maximize profits? )

5. Insurers can no longer charge customers for preventive services like mammograms and colonoscopies. (This commie fucker can’t even spell preventative correctly.  Our country is headed in the wrong direction!)

6. High-risk pools are mandated to cover those who have been denied coverage because of pre-existing conditions. (This must be those death panels I heard about on Fox News.  Get my goddamn pitchfork and torch.  Take to the streets!  We’re Taxed Enough Already!  I’m angry at all this socialism!)

We now continue with your regularly scheduled programming.