Category Archives: New Ramblings

Charlie Sheen Ramblings

March 1, 2011 D.A. Adams 2 Comments

Now that the shock of Justin Bieber’s haircut has worn off, America once again turns its attention to its most pressing issue. No, silly, not surging oil prices from unrest in the Middle East or erratic weather patterns or corporate greed. America needs to know what is happening with Charlie Sheen.

He’s not just another aging man trying to hold onto his youth by snorting coke off the bellies of porn stars. This is Charlie Sheen, America’s greatest comedic actor. While England can boast Lawrence Olivier and Anthony Hopkins, America can take pride in the sweeping range of Charlie Sheen’s acting skills. From his portrayal of the bad boy convict in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to the bad boy pitcher in Major League to the bad boy pilot in Hot Shots to the bad boy skirt chaser in Two and a Half Men, Sheen has demonstrated that he can take on any roll.

Now, the mean executives at CBS have pulled the plug on his sitcom, and America sits in stunned silence, trying to pull itself together and recover from the loss of this comedic masterpiece. To get my finger on the pulse of how the average American is handling this crisis, I rushed to Ellis Chapel, Arkansas to speak with my old friend, Cletus McOnetooth.

“It’s painful,” Cletus said. “After wrestlin and Glenn Beck, it was my favorite show. You never knew from one week to the next if he was gonna make a joke about being drunk or being high. Sometimes, to really shake things up, he’d make a joke about being drunk and high. You can’t get no funnier than that.”

Cletus choked on the last words, tears streaming down his cheeks, so I stopped the interview to prevent permanent emotional scarring at recalling the loss of his third favorite TV program. But I knew America needed to know more about this terrible tragedy, so I rushed to South Carolina to sit down with conservative talk show host and blogger Joseph Cartwright III to see how the religious folk were holding up under the strain of these trying times.

“My callers are just stunned,” Cartwright said. “Who could’ve predicted that Charlie Sheen’s bad boy antics could ever lead to turmoil? No one expected this. I’ve even had liberals calling in my show to mourn for the cancelling of Two and a Half Men. That’s how important Charlie Sheen is to America. His comedic genius transcends politics and ideology. My audience and I are praying to the good Lord every day that somehow Charlie Sheen will return to TV soon.”

Touched by the outpouring of affection for America’s greatest comedic actor, I went to a local bar to toss back a few shots to show CBS my support for Sheen’s genius, and in the bar I was surrounded by dozens of other middle-aged men who had thrown away their families in pursuit of hookers and booze, and I marveled at the solidarity America can muster during times of real crisis.

This entry is dedicated to the spoiled and pampered celebrities around the globe who are tired of being confused with drug addicts and sleaze bags. May their talent and genius forever shine as a beacon of America’s greatness.

Humor

Climate Change Ramblings

February 4, 2011 D.A. Adams 3 Comments

169029_1718158108199_1065652363_1973448_8078114_n — Photo by Marty Carson

Because this winter has been especially harsh here in North America, I decided to do a little investigating on if the record cold temperatures and record snowfalls could be related to changes in the global climate. Since all scientists are scheming to squeeze grant money from taxpayers and the Jew-run liberal media is using the climate as a conspiracy to spread socialism, I decided to interview unbiased experts in climatology. I returned to Goose Rock, Kentucky and met with Bubba Blacklung, graduate of Oral Roberts University and meteorologist for the Goose Creek Missionary Baptist Church Newsletter.

“It’s purty clear that global warming’s just a hoax,” Blacklung said, lighting a cigarette. “I mean, I’ve left my car running for two months straight, trying to warm things up a bit, but instead it just keeps gettin colder. I knew all along it weren’t true cause I got an electronic mail from the World Wide Internet explaining how all science is just a tool of the Devil to turn our younguns into queers. What could be more credible than an electronic mail?”

Now suspicious of the conspiracy, I rushed to South Carolina to speak with Joseph Cartwright III, conservative blogger and talk radio host for WHTE-All White, All the Time.

“Mr. Blacklung is right. We on the frontline of this war between whi..er..I mean Christian values and the Devil worshiping scientists have been saying for years that this is just a conspiracy cooked up by Al Gore to control energy markets. This cold weather is proof that Obama wasn’t born in this country. I’ve gotten thousands of emails telling me that fact. Thousands of forwarded emails from undisclosed origins can’t be wrong!”

Now convinced, I headed straight to Washington to share my findings with Billy Joe Oilmoney, Tea Party Senator from Texas and champion of all things American.

“This conspiracy is bigger than you think. They want to bring down oil companies to destroy the American way of life. Who ever heard of America innovating industries and leading the world in the advancement of technology? That’s just dirty Commie talk. America’s always run on oil and always will.”

Concerned for the American way of life, I pressed Senator Oilmoney on how long the world’s supply of oil would last at our present rate of consumption.

“That’s another lie spread by the Commies. We got plenty of oil, enough to last years and years. There’s no need to worry about our oil supply. I mean, most of it comes from the Middle East, and what could be more stable than that region? There’s no reason to believe that the flow of oil will ever be disrupted there. Besides, Armageddon is on its way, and those of us who aren’t Devil-worshiping Commies won’t have to worry about this earth anymore. I’ve got proof that the end is near. Let me show you this email.”

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Humor

Tea Party Ramblings

January 28, 2011 D.A. Adams 6 Comments

Following the lead of Utah in adopting the Browning Revolver as the official state gun, the state of Mississippi is moving to adopt a new symbol of its own. While the majestic magnolia blossom is the official state flower, leaders in this proud and diverse state believe they need a new symbol to more accurately portray the state’s vision for the future.

“The time is right,” says Konrad K. Kristian, business leader and Tea Party activist. “We Mississippians need to embrace our heritage and return this state to its once proud stature in this union, and we in the Tea Party believe that this symbol send the proper message.”

Curious to learn more, I pressed Mr. Kristian for more details surrounding the as-of-yet unveiled icon.

“Well, you don’t seem like one of them socialist members of the Jew-run liberal media, and you are blond haired and blue eyed, so I reckon I can trust you with this information.”

He reached underneath the counter and produced a picture frame covered by a velvet cloth. Slowly, like a highly skilled exotic dancer, he pulled the velvet away from the picture. Having covered world events as dangerous and threatening to world peace as the Grenada invasion, I thought I was emotionally prepared for anything, but even my hardened journalist’s sensibilities were shocked by the icon: On a dark background for contrast was a picture of a tightly drawn noose swinging from a tree branch.

“Ain’t it beauteeful?” Konrad asked, his eyes welling with tears.

“Um, do you think it might offend the African-Americans of this state?” I asked.

“Well, it might offend the sensitive ones, but in our new vision for America, them sensitive liberal types don’t have much say so anyway.”

Shocked and dismayed by what I had seen, I politely excused myself and rushed to Washington to speak with Rob R. Barron VI and Billy Joe Oilmoney, the two most prominent Tea Party members in the Senate. After I had described the icon to them, both men stared at me blankly.

“Aren’t you offended?” I asked.

“Why would we be offended?” Oilmoney responded, his voice rising an octave. “The folks of Mississippi have a right to embrace their heritage.”

“You don’t find this racist?”

“I knew you liberals would find a way to twist this around to racism,” exclaimed Barron. “We in the Tea Party don’t hate minorities. We’re not against minorities. As a matter of fact, some of my favorite athletes and entertainers are black, and all of my servants are Hispanic, so I don’t know where you could get the idea that I’m racist.”

“Look,” interjected Oilmoney. “That noose is just a symbol of the strength and vitality of the people in charge in Mississippi, and nooses don’t kill people. Depending on the knot, it’s either a snapped neck or lack of oxygen that kills people. A noose in the hands of law abiding citizens is harmless, so don’t go trying to demonize a piece of rope.”