Tag Archives: ramblings

Thursday Morning Ramblings


I want to believe in the American Dream.  I want to believe in the United States as the land of opportunity.  However, throughout my nearly 40 years in this country, I’ve seen little proof that these notions still remain relevant for the majority of our citizens.  There are exceptions, of course.  Professional athletes still have rags to riches stories.  So do pop musicians.  And drug dealers.  Outside of those three sectors of the economy, I see few opportunities for people like me, ordinary folk not born of wealth and privilege, to break through the ever solidifying socioeconomic class system in our society.  I see virtually no upward mobility anymore, but ample downward cascading.

At the birth of our nation, two differing views of democracy vied for power.  On one side, the Hamiltonians believed that only landed gentry should have the right to vote and hold elected office.  Their rationale was that the working classes were too uncivilized and barbaric to self-govern.  They needed a strong ruling class to make decisions for them and keep them productive members of society.  If left to their own faculties, the Hamiltonians argued, the working classes would drink away their salaries, squander their resources, and create a shiftless nation of non-productive derelicts.  One can argue that there is some wisdom to this notion, for we all know plenty of people today who fit quite nicely into this vision of America the Hamiltonians feared.

Fortunately for most of us, however, there was another vision, fostered by Thomas Jefferson.  He and his followers believed that if we as a country cultivated leadership from every sector of society, providing education and opportunity for any ambitious enough to strive to better themselves, then our fledgling democratic-republic would break free from the old, feudalistic systems of Europe and create a new kind of society.  In this society, individual citizens from all backgrounds would have the right to self-govern, and furthermore, these citizens would be given the tools through public education to make better decisions for themselves and their families.  At the time, this notion was so new and so radical that even those it purported to elevate from second-class citizenship often derided it as the stuff of fairy tales.

When Jefferson was elected as our third president, his vision became the direction in which our country moved.  Throughout our history, however, this battle between the Hamiltonians and Jeffersonians has continued.  It has changed and morphed and evolved over the last 200+ years, but at its core, the central debate has remained the same.  Some believe that we need a wealthy elite to rule and lead, and others believe that even “commoners” have the ability to self-govern if given the proper tools.  There are countless shades of gray between these two poles, with countless visions and variations on how to arrive at each end.

Today, it feels as if the Hamiltonians have won.  Both of our major political parties seem to believe that the average person is incapable of self-governance.  Throughout my lifetime, self-sufficiency has been attacked and eroded from each end of the spectrum.  Now, the debate seems to be more about who should control the masses, big government or big business.  In my experience, neither has proven to have my best interests at heart.  In America today, I feel disenfranchised, powerless, and at the mercy of those in charge, which goes against everything I was taught about the foundation of our Constitution.  In this upcoming election, neither candidate puts forth a vision of America that I believe in, and the election itself seems more like a circus sideshow than a real public discourse on the direction of our society.

I want my country back.  I want a nation in which I feel in charge of my own destiny.  I want the opportunity to ply my trades without overbearing regulations from the government and competition squelching nonsense from the corporations.  I want a country that embraces innovation and technology again.  I want a country that allows for religious freedom for all.  I want a country in which a person can sink or swim based on their abilities and persistence, not on how much money they have to throw at a problem.  I want a country that embraces education and free thought and encourages individual expression.  I want the America I was promised as a child.

Wednesday Morning Ramblings


Today, my youngest son turns six.  In some ways, those six years seem like a fraction of a second.  In others, they could be from a different lifetime.  Finn is an incredible child — scary bright, perceptive, strong as an ox, sweet, mischievous, and shy.  I call him my clone because he looks so much like me, especially when I was that age.  Sometimes, when I look at him, it’s like looking in the mirror 34 years ago.  He also acts a lot like me, stubborn, headstrong, and independent.  Whenever I allow myself to think about how he’ll be in 10 years, I honestly get a little scared because I’m certain he’ll be as curious about the world as I was.

Every father should have a son who looks at him the way Finn looks at me.  It’s pure, unconditional adoration, and it melts me every single time.  Collin loves me, but whenever he looks at me, there’s an element of hurt and anger in his eyes because of the scars left by the divorce.  Finn was too little to remember much from that time, so he doesn’t carry the same wounds. All he knows of me is the man who calls several nights a week, the guy who gets them a couple of times a year and showers them with attention, and the daddy who sings him to sleep every night he’s with me.  I know the day will come when he no longer looks at me like that and no longer wants me to sing; I’ve already gone through that with Collin.  Honestly, it will be a hard day, but for now, he enjoys being my youngest child and soaks up the attention.

Finn and I didn’t bond right away.  I was working two jobs and barely saw him for the first year of his life.  Back then, because Collin and I had bonded immediately, I felt tremendous guilt for not having that same connection with my baby boy.  Then, during one of first times they stayed with me just the three of us, it happened.  I had a porch swing and would rock him to sleep each night.  I felt the moment we bonded as clearly as I had with Collin.  We were on the swing, swaying back and forth, me singing about the tenth song to him as he fought sleep.  He buried his head into my chest and wrapped his arms around my neck and shoulder.  He pressed against me as hard as he could, and in that moment, we became father and son.

No amount of time is ever enough with my boys, and nothing will give us back what we’ve lost, but nothing will ever break the bonds we’ve formed, either.  Finn proves that to me every time he’s with me.  Despite having lived the majority of his life outside of my home and barely spending any time with me in person, he loves me deeply and knows I love him.  He’s an amazing child with unbelievable potential, and I couldn’t be prouder of him.  One day, he will accomplish great things.  I love you, my son.  Happy birthday.

Thursday Afternoon Ramblings


Before the separation anxiety created by losing my children, I had never really known anxiety before.  Sure, I’d gotten nervous in certain situations, but I’d never experienced the unexplained waves of fear that appeared out of nowhere and made me edgy.  For the first year after the boys were gone, excluding the times when they were back with me, I lived in a constant state of panic, worried about whether or not they were safe and healthy and happy.  My stomach constantly burned from this fear, and I often awoke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, trembling.  As I adjusted to my new reality, the anxiety waned, and ever so slowly, I began to feel “normal” again.

Recently, the anxiety has returned.  This time, however, it’s not about my children, even though the sensation is much the same.  I can’t say exactly why I feel this way, but for a few weeks now, I’ve not been able to shake it.  There’s no one specific thing I’m worried about, more like a thousand little uncertainties that gnaw at me.  From the erratic weather to the political sideshow to the sluggish economy, I feel like we’re heading for something bad in the next few months.  While I can’t point to any quantifiable thing and say, “Here’s definitive proof,” I just have an overwhelming intuition that the proverbial dung is about to hit the fan.

I don’t believe in the Mayan calendar and don’t expect the world is about to fly apart, but I do feel like our nation, because of the internal strife and chasms we’ve created through our sensationalist parodies of debate and deliberation, is on the verge of a deep, fundamental shift.  I can’t say for certain what that shift will be, perhaps martial law, perhaps financial collapse, perhaps civil war.  I don’t know.  I just know we cannot continue unraveling at the seams the way we have for the last few years.  And again, I can’t point to any one thing, just a feeling I get from people I encounter who either give off vibes of being frazzled and panicked or seem like mindless drones on auto-pilot.

I hope I’m wrong.  I want to feel positive and optimistic about the world and the future.  I much prefer feeling positive energy, but right now, there simply isn’t much to feel good about.  Everywhere I look, things are just out of balance and eroding into an uncivilized frenzy of self-interest.  People are either mad as hell at those who disagree with them politically, distracted by TV, or apathetic to everything.  Few people seem even content with their lives, and I don’t know anyone who feels positive about the direction we’re headed as a society.  I wish I could look at the future and feel hopeful about it, but right now, tomorrow just looms bleak and ominous as we trudge onward.

I’m sorry for writing such a negative piece, but this is how I feel about our country right now.  I can’t pretend like everything is okay when in my gut I have this feeling that something awful is about to happen.