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Tolerance Ramblings

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After Pastor Jim Swilley came out of the closet in front of his congregation in Georgia, I received a phone call from Hal Golightly, a fashion designer in New York City and a regular on Bravo’s “Real Gay Fashion Designers Catfights.”  It seems that Pastor Swilley has inspired Hal to come forward with a confession of his own.  Since the Jew-run, liberal media won’t cover these kinds of stories, I agreed to meet him at an undisclosed location for a covert interview.

“The truth is” Hal began, his real dialect nothing like his on-screen persona. “I’m not really gay.  I just pretend to be gay to fit in with the fashion industry.”

Shocked at such a bold admission, I sat silently, unsure of my next question.

“I’m tired of living a lie.  People expect fashion designers to be gay and act like drama queens and watch Sex and the City reruns, but I’m straight.”  Tears began streaming down his face, and he looked as if a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders.  “My real name is Billy Joe McOnetooth, and I’m first cousins with Cletus.  That’s why I came to you.  I want people to know that fashion designers and choreographers and professional soccer players don’t have to be gay.  Straight men can perform in these jobs just as well as gay men.  In fact, some of the best in each profession are secretly heterosexual.”

Shocked and dismayed by this outlandish claim, I asked him to give specific examples, but he politely refused, except for Richard Simmons.  He was adamant that Simmons is secretly a heterosexual man with a fetish for Japanese women.  We concluded our interview, and I set out for Ellis Chapel, Arkansas to meet with Cletus and discuss his cousin’s situation.

“You mean to tell me that Billy Joe ain’t a queer folk?” Cletus said, scratching his head.

I explained as well as I could that it was all an act to fit in at soirees and on TV.

“Well, what about the time me and him was down by the creek experimenting with our sexuality?  Don’t that count for queeredness?”

“I was never down by any creek with my cousin, Cletus,”  Hal responded via voicemail.  “He’s mixed me up with someone else.”

“That weren’t Billy Joe I was having anal sex with?  Well, then, who the hell was it?” Cletus asked, a fearful expression on his brow.  “I mean having sex with your gay cousin is one thing, but a stranger?  Folks around here don’t cotton with that.  Looky here, I gotta get down to the Tea Party meeting.  We gotta help them big corporations get back to wiping out the middle class so that my children and grand-children can be safe from them socialists.  I don’t have time to sit around here talking about them queer folks.”

With that, Cletus ran out of the room, leaving me to ponder whether or not Richard Simmons really leads a double life.

This blog is dedicated to the GOP, the TEA Party, and other homophobes everywhere.

General Posts, Ramblings of Thanks

Tuesday Morning Ramblings – Thankful #2

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I’m thankful for my sobriety.  There was a stretch of my life when drugs and alcohol controlled me, and if not for the touch of grace, I would not be here typing this entry.  That may sound hokey to some, but for me it’s very real.  Maintaining sobriety is a challenge, especially when stress and pressure get very high, yet I’m grateful for the strength to control that demon.

There was a seven or eight month period right after my divorce when I lost control and allowed myself to be weak.  I drank heavily and often during that time, and I’m ashamed of that weakness.  However, I was able to recognize that I was descending back into a place where I didn’t want to be, and I retook control of myself.  I’m a much happier person sober than I’ve ever been drunk and high.

I hope this post doesn’t come across as preachy or judgmental because that is not the intent.  I don’t judge other people for what they do, and I myself enjoy drinking a cold beer at the end of a long week.  I simply no longer drink cold beers until I am hammered.  For me, at this point of my life, I am thankful for the strength to maintain my sobriety from one day to the next.

General Posts, Ramblings of Thanks

Monday Morning Ramblings – Thankful #1

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My birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year (anyone looking for a last minute gift, cash or gift cards to the Home Depot are welcome), and to celebrate, I’m going to reprise something for the blog that many of us did on Facebook last year.  Each day, I will center my blog around something in my life I am thankful for.  In this manner, I will attempt to be more grateful for the many blessings in my life.  Hopefully, this series will provide a little positivity and inspiration to your day.

I’m thankful for all the times in my life that I’ve stumbled and fallen.  From each failure, I’ve learned a valuable lesson, and these moments have made me the person I am today.  From my failures, I’ve learned humility, and from humility, I’ve learned compassion.  I’m grateful to be the kind of man who cares about other people and their lives, instead of a predator who looks for opportunities to mistreat my fellow man, and I like who I am on this first day of November 2010.

From my failures, I’ve also learned to appreciate my successes more deeply.  I have always been my own worst critic, but as I’m maturing a little, I’m learning to appreciate my good points, and hopefully not in a vain, egotistical manner, either.  I simply now recognize that I have accomplished a lot in my life, and even though I’m not financially where I want to be or as established in my career as I would’ve liked, I’ve come a long way from where I started.  Without the stumbles, I might not be able to see this.

Finally, my failures have given me strength.  Each time I’ve hit I’ve ground, I’ve had to look deep inside to find something to help me get back up, and each time, I’ve found a piece of myself that I hadn’t seen before.  Without having gone through the failures, I wouldn’t know what’s inside, so I am thankful for all of the moments in my life where I have been knocked down because they have given me the strength to stand.