After Pastor Jim Swilley came out of the closet in front of his congregation in Georgia, I received a phone call from Hal Golightly, a fashion designer in New York City and a regular on Bravo’s “Real Gay Fashion Designers Catfights.” It seems that Pastor Swilley has inspired Hal to come forward with a confession of his own. Since the Jew-run, liberal media won’t cover these kinds of stories, I agreed to meet him at an undisclosed location for a covert interview.
“The truth is” Hal began, his real dialect nothing like his on-screen persona. “I’m not really gay. I just pretend to be gay to fit in with the fashion industry.”
Shocked at such a bold admission, I sat silently, unsure of my next question.
“I’m tired of living a lie. People expect fashion designers to be gay and act like drama queens and watch Sex and the City reruns, but I’m straight.” Tears began streaming down his face, and he looked as if a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “My real name is Billy Joe McOnetooth, and I’m first cousins with Cletus. That’s why I came to you. I want people to know that fashion designers and choreographers and professional soccer players don’t have to be gay. Straight men can perform in these jobs just as well as gay men. In fact, some of the best in each profession are secretly heterosexual.”
Shocked and dismayed by this outlandish claim, I asked him to give specific examples, but he politely refused, except for Richard Simmons. He was adamant that Simmons is secretly a heterosexual man with a fetish for Japanese women. We concluded our interview, and I set out for Ellis Chapel, Arkansas to meet with Cletus and discuss his cousin’s situation.
“You mean to tell me that Billy Joe ain’t a queer folk?” Cletus said, scratching his head.
I explained as well as I could that it was all an act to fit in at soirees and on TV.
“Well, what about the time me and him was down by the creek experimenting with our sexuality? Don’t that count for queeredness?”
“I was never down by any creek with my cousin, Cletus,” Hal responded via voicemail. “He’s mixed me up with someone else.”
“That weren’t Billy Joe I was having anal sex with? Well, then, who the hell was it?” Cletus asked, a fearful expression on his brow. “I mean having sex with your gay cousin is one thing, but a stranger? Folks around here don’t cotton with that. Looky here, I gotta get down to the Tea Party meeting. We gotta help them big corporations get back to wiping out the middle class so that my children and grand-children can be safe from them socialists. I don’t have time to sit around here talking about them queer folks.”
With that, Cletus ran out of the room, leaving me to ponder whether or not Richard Simmons really leads a double life.
This blog is dedicated to the GOP, the TEA Party, and other homophobes everywhere.