Tag Archives: love

Friday Evening Ramblings – 11/18/16

I’m making every effort to fill my life with people who inspire and nurture my creativity. Because of circumstances, my circle has gotten much smaller over the last couple of years, and after all I’ve endured and experienced, I simply have no more tolerance for lies, deceit, negativity, or anything else that distracts from my creative process. I am who I am–the good and bad, the pretty and ugly, the kindness and the scars. I’m all or nothing, full-tilt, pedal-to-the-floor-when-I-believe-in-something, and if you can’t accept me as I am and be fully open and honest with me, there’s no more room in my life for you.

I’m D.A. emeffing Adams, and I stomp upon this terra with all of the life spark that burns inside me.

I acknowledge that I have many flaws: I’m emotional and moody at times. I’m obsessive (um, writer). I can be overly dramatic and even melodramatic, too. I have serious trust issues because my ex-wife hid a relationship from me for years. I can brood with the best of them, and for the love of god please don’t piss me off. Oh yeah, and there’s that felony thing, as well. I acknowledge my baggage and don’t try to sweep it under the rug.

But I’m also kind and gentle; generous to a fault; tender and compassionate; supportive; funny; and one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. When I love, I love with all of my heart and soul, and I don’t know any other way. When I set my mind to something, I accomplish that task or work at it until all of my resources are exhausted. I’m a good listener, a good shoulder, and a rock for those who need it. All in all, I still think my good outweighs my bad, and I hope the people who still call me a friend will agree.

I hold out hope that one day I’ll meet the right woman who will love and appreciate me for not only my writing and creativity but also for my passion for the outdoors and rough-around-the-edges ways. But I also accept that it may never happen. I’m damaged and scarred, so maybe I’m no longer fit for a relationship. Despite it all, I still believe in love. I still believe that there’s a lot of love for me to share, and even if I can’t find the right woman to share my life with, I can share that love with my friends and family and even the world.

At the end of my road, I want to look back and see a life that mattered. One filled with creativity (right now I can’t say I’ve accomplished all that I’m capable of). One filled with love, compassion, peace, serenity, and laughter. One filled with the pursuit of knowledge and the sharing of that knowledge with others. One filled with an appreciation of both the sun and rain, for it takes both to make things grow. I want my life to be more than the accumulation of stuff or the acquisition of money. I want to leave this world a little better than I found it.

That’s all for now.

Friday Morning Ramblings

A pic from one of our first weeks together.

Dear sons, one day, I hope you’ll look back at these posts and know what a profound impact you had on my life.  Even though I was 31 when Collin was born, I didn’t really become a man until that day, and being your father has been the most important role of my existence.  None of the professional accomplishments measure up to the satisfaction of those times I’ve gotten to keep you guys for a week or two at a time.  To this day, my proudest achievement is the first time I kept you boys alone for that 11 or 12 day stretch, feeding you every meal, bathing you each night, and getting you to sleep.  Collin, you were 4, and Finn, you were not yet 2.  Being able to care for you by myself and keeping you safe and healthy for that long made me feel better about myself as a person than anything before or since.

Life without you hasn’t always been easy.  When you are in Florida and we have months to go before we’ll see each other again, I miss you more than words could ever express, but all I have to do is think about the times we’ve spent together, and I smile.  There’s a moment with each trip after we’ve endured the long drive and gotten settled at home, when you boys start running around and playing with all of the toys you haven’t seen in months.  At some point, you both start laughing, and that sound soothes and heals me more than anything.  On my hardest days, the memories of your laughter get me through the darkest moments.

My only real regret in life is that I’m not able to have you guys more often or for longer periods.  So far, circumstances have prevented that from being a realistic possibility, and while I love talking to you on the phone, it isn’t a good enough substitute for holding you, hugging you, and seeing you with my own eyes.  My biggest goal in life is to have more time together, and I promise that I’m working as hard as I can to make that a reality.  Please, don’t ever think, even for a moment, that I don’t want to spend more time with you because there is not one second of my life that I don’t miss you boys and wish we were together.  One day, you’ll be old enough to understand the logistics of making even one trip happen, but until that day, I hope you know in your hearts that Daddy would trade everything for more time with you.

I love you guys and can’t wait to see you again.

Thursday Morning Ramblings

I’m trying to heal, learn, and grow as a person.  For too many years of my life, I’ve allowed others to make me feel unworthy.  I’ve allowed unrealistic expectations of who I should be and how I should act and how much I should give dictate my life.  As a result, in the past, I’ve allowed the women in my life to treat me with disrespect, and I bent over backwards to prove my worth, to give more and more and more, until I was left cold and empty, feeling used up and discarded.  Those women may have different perspectives and versions, but I know how I was made to feel, and over the last four years, as I’ve struggled to redefine myself as a person and a man, I’ve grown less and less tolerant of any act of disrespect.  Part of this process I’ve been going through has taught me my worth, and I will not settle for anything less than how I deserve to be treated.

If that makes me come across as selfish, so be it.  Life is too short to be told and made to feel as if I don’t do or give enough when I know damn well I give more than I take.  Nobody, and I do mean nobody, will ever make me feel that way again, not my children, not a friend, not a lover, not my family.  I’ve endured too many trials, from the shotput accident to the divorce to the struggles in my career to the heartbreaks to this recent illness, to allow myself to be mistreated.  I will be alone if that’s what it takes.  I’m a loyal and faithful man; when I give myself to a woman, I do not step outside of that relationship.  That alone makes me a fairly rare breed.  Every single time I’ve gotten knocked down, I’ve gotten back to my feet and continued pushing for my goals and dreams.  I may never accomplish all that I want, but it will not be from lack of effort.  That, too, makes me valuable.  The people who don’t really know me can fabricate whatever stories or issues or dramas they need to create in order to paint me as the bad guy, but in my heart, I know the truth of who and what I am as a man.

I know I have a lot of love to offer.  I may not be romantic or sentimental, but I am kind and nurturing.  I may not buy flowers or jewelry, but I do offer a strong shoulder and tenderness.  I may not always say or do the right things at the right time, but I never intentionally lash out or demean people.  I’m not a knight in shining armor, but I am a decent man.  Maybe one day, I’ll find the woman who appreciates me for who I am instead of criticizing me for what I’m not.  If that day comes, hopefully I’ll have healed enough to embrace it.  If it never comes along, I’ll try my best not to grow cold and bitter.  As the Outlaw once sang, “I won’t let it change me not if I can. I’d rather believe in love and give it away as much as I can to those I’m fondest of.”