Humor

Clueless Ramblings

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Not too long ago, I got to interview a group of college students who were enraged over what they felt was an important issue.  The students, ranging in ages from 18-21, all belonged to PETA (for those of you who don’t know, that’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and were students at the University of California at Berkley.  When I met up with them, they were preparing to embark on an important journey.  I asked them to explain their choices.

“Well, like, we were watching videos on You Tube,” said Toby McNoclue.  “And we came across this nature video.  It was disturbing.”

“Yeah,” added Jessica Dogooder, jumping in.  “I couldn’t believe the cruelty.”

I probed deeper to get more answers.

“Like, there were these lions, and they were like totally eating this zebra,” interjected Holly Erehead.

“Yeah, and like that poor zebra was still alive and everything,” Bradley Gowidacrowd chimed in.  “It was completely gross. Really.”

“That poor zebra had feelings, and those lions just ignored the impact their actions were having on the zebra’s emotional state,” stated Dr. Jen TouchyFeely, faculty sponsor for the campus charter of PETA.  “These students are showing tremendous leadership by standing up for their ideals.”

I asked what the students planned to do.

“Well,” Jessica said, speaking for the group.  “We’re flying to Africa to form a protest against the lions, like, demanding that they totally respect other beings’ rights to life.

“We hope to convince the lions to stop eating that disgusting meat and become vegans like us,” Toby McNoclue added.

Concerned for their well-being, I asked the students if they believed that their protest was well thought through.

“You’re like just too close-minded to believe in the power of change,” Jessica Dogooder returned.  “It’s white bigots like you who totally trample the rights of other nationalities.”

Accepting their criticism with my usual Irish grace and composure, I wished the charming young folks well on their trip.

“You’ll see,” McNoclue said.  “Our generation is totally gonna change this world because we totally understand technology.  Like, when I was playing Farmville, I totally learned how to grow enough food to feed the entire world.”

The students all high-fived each other and their faculty sponsor and left for the airport.  Naturally, I returned to my close-minded existence in Tennessee, but I left the meeting feeling a little more optimistic about the future thanks to the wide-eyed wonder of young people with an optimistic vision of the future.

(Editor’s Note: This piece was composed several weeks ago and was set to run simultaneously with the students’ return from Africa this month.  However, our staff has been unable to reach any of the students in their remote village.  While neither Dr. TouchyFeely nor their parents have had any contact with any of the students since their plane first landed, she assures our staff that they are simply too focused on their good works to answer their phones, log into Facebook, or return emails.)

www.thirdaxe.com

Humor

Healthcare Ramblings

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Now that the first six provisions of healthcare reform are enforceable laws, I decided to take a look at how these provisions are affecting those at the highest end of the economic spectrum.  I traveled to Minneapolis, MN and sat down with Iwanna Getindempokets, the largest shareholder of United Health Group.  I first asked how the new laws had affected him professionally.

“It’s very difficult to explain,” he said.  “Before, our job was so easy.  Someone got sick, we dropped them from coverage.  We didn’t have to worry about taking care of ill people.  Now, we can’t just collect monthly premiums.  We actually have to look at the costs of healthcare.  It’s so time-consuming.”

As a healthcare consumer, I asked him if he thought healthcare insurance providers had an obligation to make sure their customers received the services they paid for monthly.

He stared at me blankly.

I rephrased the question and asked if healthcare insurance providers should pay claims.

“We’re in the business of making money,” Getindempokets responded, becoming agitated.  “How can we make money if we have to spend money?”

Seeing his agitation, I grew concerned for his well-being, so I asked him how the reform had affected him personally.

“It’s been hell,” he said, a tear forming.  “My wife is so worried about the dip in profits, she’s actually cancelled her plans to buy our third vacation home.  It was going to be in Costa Rica, but that won’t happen now.”

He paused and took a deep breath.

“The worst, though, is how all of this has affected my daughter.  She’s my only child, you know.  When things affect you and your spouse, that’s one thing, but when things affect your children, it cuts more deeply.

“My daughter’s dream was to be the world’s first trillionaire.  She had her heart set on it, but thanks to the selfishness of so many Americans, that probably won’t happen.”

As a parent, part of me empathized with him.

“Paris Hilton has gotten to follow her dream of being a coked-out international slut.  Why can’t my daughter have her dream of being a trillionaire?  It’s just not fair.”

He paused, and his pained expression became one of anger.

“I’ll never forgive President Obama for signing those provisions into law.  That ni…uh…socialist has no right to make big business provide the goods and services for which it charges hefty sums.  This country is moving in the wrong direction.”

With that, his Blackberry went off, and he motioned for me to leave his office.  As I exited the luxury suites of the executive floor, I couldn’t help but wonder if the evil socialists in Washington could sleep at night, knowing how they had trampled the dreams of a little girl.

General Posts

Wednesday Afternoon Ramblings

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Once again, the life of a professional educator has me pushed to my absolute limit of frustration.  We had another record setting attendance level this semester, and because of that, many of us had to take on overload courses.  Between the overload and dual enrollment, I’m teaching the equivalent of seven full courses this semester.  It’s too much.

Literally, I hit the ground running on Monday morning, and I barely have time to use the bathroom until Friday afternoon.  I’m either teaching, preparing, or grading all day, every day.  Physically and emotionally, it’s as exhausting as working two full-time jobs.

If I were fairly compensated for my efforts, I might not feel so bitter.  However, I have more education than many other professionals and put in as many hours as most executives yet am paid about what a fast-food entry-level manager makes.  Somewhere along the way, this system got severely fucked up, and my generation is the one being punished for it.  I can assure you that many of us cannot and will not continue to teach your children for these wages, and you will be left with teachers who are fast-food quality.

That’s the cold, harsh reality of America’s future.  Our education system is going down the drain and going down faster every day.  Between the demands of our initial qualifications, professional development, teaching load, and additional duties, too much is placed in our laps.  On top of that, too little is returned to us in the form of tangible wages.  As if that weren’t bad enough, every year we are given less and less to work with in terms of student talent.  Yet we are expected to be held accountable for their apathy and lack of attention span.

I do not have many more semesters of beating my head against this wall, and while I do have my flaws, I’m a good teacher.  I’m not so certain that the people who will follow me will have the same sense of professional pride.  They might, but I seriously doubt it.

One last thought: even though this semester is difficult and demanding, I would rather have this schedule than have to deal with that bad half of a group of students at Seymour last year.  I hope some of them are learning some tough lessons this semester.

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