Category Archives: New Ramblings

Tea Party Ramblings

May 4, 2010 D.A. Adams Leave a comment

In the infinite wisdom of regressive thinking that is the touchstone of conservative ideology, a solution to the runaway inflation of the healthcare system has been found. Sue Lowden, former Miss America contestant and smartest member of the GOP, proposes that we enact a barter system in which patients can trade goods for medical services. Curious as to how the industry would react to such a regression, I rushed down to South Carolina to discuss the idea with true professionals.

“Well, I guess we could work out something,” says Dr. Goldlover, a general practitioner and Porsche enthusiast. “A regular office visit could be exchanged for a wash and wax of my 959 Cabriolet.”

I pressed him about more expensive tests and procedures.

“Hmmm, I would trade a mammogram for 4,872 white or brown chickens. An appendectomy would fetch 876 heads of cattle or 2,150 pounds of potatoes. That seems reasonable to me.”

Excited about the doctor’s positive reception of the concept, I then interviewed his receptionist, Bonnie Busybody, graduate of South Carolina State Technical Community College with an Associate’s in Office Administration and local Tea Party member.

“I don’t want no socialized medical system like that spear-chuck…uh…socialist is proposing. We need a good, old-fashioned barter system like they had in the Biblical days. People lived to be hundreds of years old back then, so it must’ve worked.”

I proceeded to ask what she thought about women taking a more proactive role in GOP and Tea Party politics.

“I have a lot in common with both Sue Lowden and Sarah Palin. I was Miss Palmetto Bug three years running, and both of them were beauty queens, too. Also, all three of my daughters got pregnant as teenagers, so I understand what Mrs. Palin’s going through.”

“How do you feel about sex education in grade school?” I asked.

“Good grief, the last thing we need is to corrupt our young folk with a firm understanding of how the reproductive system works. That’ll just encourage them to have sex. Abstinence is the only policy that really works.”

And considering how successful the abstinence policy has been in reducing teenage pregnancy, I suspect the barter system will just as effective at lowering healthcare costs.

Humor

Climate Change Ramblings

May 3, 2010 D.A. Adams Leave a comment

Since Climate Change is a conspiracy created by Al Gore and disseminated by the Jew-run liberal media, I decided to check with religious experts for answers to the weather extremes we’ve been experiencing in the South. I traveled to Goose Rock, Kentucky and met with Bubba Blacklung, graduate of Oral Roberts University and meteorologist for the Goose Creek Missionary Baptist Church Newsletter. I asked Mr. Blacklung what has been causing all of this rain that has flooded the Southeast and claimed so many lives.

“As we all know,” he began. “Rain is nothing more than God’s tears, and since that nig…uh…socialist got elected president, God’s crying extry hard. As long as the White House ain’t white, we’ll keep on seeing God’s tears flood the earth.”

I then asked if barometric pressures could be the cause.

“Well, I don’t see what music has to do with weather. I guess if someone sang off key real bad that could cause God to cry.”

Confused, I asked about the geography classes he studied at ORU.

“They learned me real good about how to predict the weather. If God gets sad it rains. If He’s mad, it lightnings. If He’s happy, we get sunny days to go fishing on. Now, no one knows how to predict God’s moods, so that’s why it’s so hard to get the weather right.”

When I asked if scientific advancements like Doppler Radar and satellite imaging had made meteorology more accurate, he became agitated.

“Looky cheer, them fancy devices are nothing more than spy cameras so them socialists in Washington can keep an eye on us. There ain’t no way a big golf ball can read God’s mood, so if you’re gonna talk that devil-talk nonsense, you can march yourself right on out of cheer.”

I apologized for the misunderstanding.

“Doppler Radar!” he scoffed. “Next thing you’ll be telling me is they have big machines that can look inside the human body and find diseases.”

Humor

Education Ramblings

April 28, 2010 D.A. Adams Leave a comment

The FDA released a new report this week, warning of the catastrophic dangers of finals week. While anyone who has successfully navigated one understands the sleep deprivation, caffeine over-stimulation, and short term memory taxing, the study sheds new light on the less known side effects of finals week.

It turns out, grandmothers are more likely to pass away just before or during this time than any other period of the year. In fact, the average student will lose 8.7 grandmothers over the course of their academic career during finals weeks alone. While death is common, grandmothers are also more likely to suffer hip-shattering falls, strokes, and heart attacks, leaving them in critical condition in ICU for the entirety of this seven day span.

Grandmothers are not the only ones at risk, however. According to the study, cars are 2,874% more likely to break down on a trip to class during this week. Most prone seem to be tires, followed by batteries, alternators, and fuel pumps. Fortunately, cars rarely suffer catastrophic failures during finals week and are usually repairable by Friday afternoons.

“These data are troubling,” says Dr. Lottastatz, who pioneered the study. “Instructors all across the nation indicate that the stress of finals takes its toll on innocent victims. Something has to be done to stem the tide of this horrific pandemic.”

Skeptical of the devil-worshiping scientist, Fox News conducted its own study on this phenomenon and came to a startling conclusion.

“We determined that the socialist regime of Barrack Obama has been forcing euthanasia on these grandmothers for decades,” says Dr. Fullofshitz, graduate of the Oral Roberts School of Spiritual Science. “And because the government now controls the entire auto industry, the CIA is sabotaging cars to force people to buy new ones.”

When told of this theory, Dr. Lottastatz was outraged.

“Dr. Fullofshitz is full of shit,” Dr. Lottastatz insisted. “Our data go back for decades before Mr. Obama was even born. Where do they get this bullshit?”

However, both scientific rational thought and superstitious paranoia are at a loss for how to stem the tide of this hidden terror that shrouds finals week. It seems that as long as unprepared students are faced with the challenges of final exams, grandmothers and cars will be in harm’s way.