Thursday Morning Ramblings

I’m beat up, half broken-down, tired, and most days feel used up.  Between working in education and living on this roller coaster I call a life, I’m worn to a nub.  Most days, I’m pulled in every direction by student demands, academic duties, promotional efforts, family obligations, and my personal life, and there is very little left in my tank.  Something has to give soon, or I will not make it.  I’m saying these things, not to get pity or encouraging comments or anything else from anyone, but because I need to express just how depleted I am.  Life has beaten me down mercilessly, and I need a break from the beatings.

Here are my biggest issues that I need to work on as an individual to become a healthier, happier person.  First and foremost, I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  If I get angry, I eat.  If I get sad, I eat.  If I experience anything joyful or unpleasant, I eat.  Food is my drug, more than anything else, and for more than a year, I’ve been working on this issue and trying to overcome it.  Some days I succeed; some I fail.  I like to think I’m improving because I’ve lost a lot of weight, going from about a 44 inch waist to now below a 38, but I recognize that this is a battle I’ll have to fight for the rest of my life.

My second biggest issue is my temper.  I can make plenty of excuses for why I have such a short fuse, and many of those excuses are legitimate, justifiable reasons for carrying what I carry.  Nonetheless, I have to learn to let go of my frustrations and anger and become a more calm, laid-back, peaceful person.  I have to do this for myself, for my children, for my family, for the woman I love, and for my future.  If I don’t learn to let go of my anger, I will die too young.  That’s simply a fact.  As a man, I’m willing to admit that I need help overcoming this issue; I need to learn better coping mechanisms and healthier outlets for my frustrations.

In the past, I’ve been criticized from multiple sources for being too open, too public, too personal on this blog, and maybe there’s some truth to that.  Maybe I should keep my life more private.  Then again, this is who I am.  I started this blog as my outlet for expressing my thoughts and feelings on whatever subject happens to appeal to me on that day, and I intend to keep it that way.  I don’t care about creating a facade that tells the world I’m perfect and my life has no flaws.  That’s not authentic, not genuine, and not honest.  My life, just like every single other human being I’ve ever encountered, is flawed.  I’m flawed and am not ashamed of or scared of making those flaws known.  The only way I can grow as a person is to face those flaws head on and try as best as I can to learn and grow from my mistakes.  I happen to do that best by writing about them, by sharing them with my friends, and by listening to what others have to say.  If my openness and transparency is offensive to some or comes across as unprofessional to others, then please accept my apologies, but you don’t have to read this blog or share my life.  Take  me as I am, or don’t.  The choice is yours.  Right now, at this point of my life, my only concern is to heal my wounds and become a better man.

5 thoughts on “Thursday Morning Ramblings”

  1. I’m a bored eater. If I have nothing to do or my brain is not engaged in what I am doing, I get the munchies. I also have a very bad habit of gorging. When I was little, food was scarce. There were many days I was lucky to get two meals, and often sometimes only one. So, when food was set in front of me, no matter how hungry I really was, I’d eat until another bite would make me ill. As I got older, food became more plentiful, but my habits didn’t change. I’ve gotten much better at it, mostly b/c my body revolted, but you are right. Eating habits require changing your lifestyle.

    I’m already a fairly laid-back individual, but I’ve had to deal with some heaping helpings of frustration and anger. I’ve found that exercise, for me that was martial arts, helped release some of the pent up negative emotions. The katas required focus, and both strengthened mind and body. The sparring helped me channel anger I had no other way of diffusing.

    The hardest, most difficult step is acknowledging you have problems. You’ve taken that step. So, keep at it and don’t beat yourself up on the bad days. Not giving up is half the battle. 🙂

  2. Hey Alex,

    Hate to hear you’re struggling with all the commitments and life right now. You know me well enough to know I can relate. And while I don’t have problems with anger, I totally struggle with food, too. Especially boredom and munchies, as southerndreamer said above.

    About the only thing I’ve found that helps — other than staying at work, where I don’t have near as much access to food — is trying to be all zen-like about my food. To allow myself that snack or meal, but to eat it slow. No, I mean, really slow. To savor every bite and chew it more than you’d normally would. And doing this, which seems weird at first I confess, gives your stomach more time to signal your body that you’re full.

    And don’t sweat the idiots who think you’re too open. You know how open I am on my site. Ultimately, we can’t change who we are, and ultimately, you’ll only get fans and friends if you open up. People don’t want a polished, perfect image on your website. They want to know you’re human, and that you struggle with the same things they do.

    Keep it real, man, and hang in there. Life’s a circle and sometimes you’re in the ditch getting the shit kicked out of you, and sometimes you’re on top of the world. Just remember next time you’re on top of the world to enjoy it, it won’t last long, and try to remember right now that you’ll be back on top in no time at all.


  3. Finding balance is tough, especially when all of the obligations pulling on us are ones we want in our life. Don’t worry about being to open. Blogging requires drawing a line in the sand and saying ‘this is what I do and don’t talk about.” Good luck with that.

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