As a teacher, I’ve become a shadow of my former self. There was a time when all of my attention and focus was on the students and their needs. Now, I find myself aggravated when a student asks a question that I’ve already covered. “Why can’t you grasp this?” I think. The younger, less burnt-out me understood that some students need to hear things a couple of different ways before the light bulb comes on. Now, I just feel exhausted from explaining and re-explaining the same concepts over and over and over.
Yesterday, I realized that I’ve become that teacher who runs from the building at every chance. Lunch hour? Get out of my way. End of the day? Try to keep up. As a student, I never understood those teachers. “Why are they still here if they are so unhappy?” I would ponder. Now, I realize that getting away from this profession is not so easy.
I’m a good salesperson and could go back to that, but I’m not sure I want to work for somebody else. I want to get the farm going and productive and work for myself for the first time in my life. I have a good plan and some clearly set goals, but all of it takes time, and I feel like the time here is choking the life from me.
I’m well aware that I’m fortunate to have a job and a steady income, and I am grateful for that fact. My best friend was out of work for nearly a full year, so I saw firsthand how devastating that can be, not just financially but emotionally and spiritually as well. So I do count my blessings and recognize that things could be much, much worse.
But coming to work every day feeling as if the job is killing me is no way to live, so I’m going to make this farm successful. All I need is time to get it off the ground.