Tag Archives: Politics

General Posts

Monday Night Ramblings

4 Comments


I’ve been thinking a lot lately about our country, the economy, the lack of enthusiasm for the upcoming election, democracy, homosexuality, Chik-Fil-A, and all the crap we as Americans deal with on a daily basis.  First and foremost, let me say that this post is not intended to be inflammatory or sensational, so if you get offended, you probably need to grow a thicker skin because I’m not intending to be offensive.

We live in crazy times, an era defined by rampant intolerance.  That intolerance is not restricted to one political party as some would have you believe.  It comes from both sides.  Look at the recent uproar over a fast-food chicken restaurant.  One side wants the company put out of business, while the other created traffic jams to get their unhealthy glob of grease.  It was sheer insanity, a classic example of irrational hate mongering by both extremes.  In America, if you truly want to be free, you have to drop this us versus them mentality.  If you don’t like a company’s policies, simply don’t do business with them.  Soberly and politely encourage your friends who share your values to do the same.  But don’t try to infringe upon that person’s rights to think and believe as they see fit.  That’s not democracy; that’s called fascism.

On the other hand, if you think you’re ordained with an inherent right to dictate to others what is right or wrong because you think your invisible man in the sky told you to, you need to back up.  In this country, we have the right to believe or not believe as we see fit, and you don’t have the right to shove your religion down anyone else’s throat.  You can believe in your guilt-god all you want.  That’s your right.  The moment you start telling me how to live my life based on your beliefs, we’ve got a problem.  I don’t believe it and refuse to live my life based on ancient books written by barbaric peoples and rewritten by feudal kings to control peasants.  Fortunately, based on our Constitution, we each have the right to our individual beliefs.

Our economy is about to collapse.  I really believe that.  We’re too out of balance, and the wealthy are too convinced of their divine right to more for anyone to fix it.  The only way to fix our economy is to fix wages and get more people earning a livable wage.  Everything else is just a photo op.  Until the average worker can once again own homes and save for retirement and afford healthcare, our economy will continue to spiral out of control.  By the end of this year, many of us will be facing hard choices between buying a tank of gas or buying enough food for the week.  That’s not a sustainable economic reality, and it’s about to come crashing down.

This coming election is the biggest farce I’ve ever seen, laughable if not so tragic.  If those two men are the best we can do for the leader of the free world, then we’re already too far gone to save.  Politics has become theater of the grotesque, and I’m done being part of it.  Until we remove money and lobbyists from controlling elections and policy, we have no hope of a government that serves the people.  All we have is a circus sideshow, going through the motions of pretending to govern, closer to a Banana Republic than a functioning democratic republic.

All I can control is my own life.  I will continue to write my books and try to grow my own food and prepare for the New Dark Ages as best I can.  I won’t worry about whatever is coming because I can’t control it.  I won’t worry about who others choose to love because that’s none of my business.  I won’t boycott or support a fast-food joint out of irrational rage at “them.”  I’m simply going to live.  I’m going to work on forgiving those who’ve wronged me and bettering myself as a man.  That’s all I can do.  The rest is just a theater of mass distraction to keep the peasants bickering amongst themselves, while the plunderers finish emptying the coffers.

Humor

Primary Ramblings

1 Comment


BREAKING NEWS:  Today, millions of Republicans enter walk-in clinics to request anti-depressants as they begin to accept Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president.

“Well, I for one was hoping for someone who’s actually a conservative,”  says  Joseph Cartwright III, conservative talk-radio host and active blogger, as he nursed a bottle of double-malt scotch.  “Romney just doesn’t seem to hate enough sub-groups for my taste.  He’s so wishy-washy on gays, abortion, and minorities.  We need leadership with a deeply-rooted animosity towards these fringes if we’re ever going to get back to the good old days.  At least Romney seems to hate the average American, so that’s something to work with, I guess.  Also, he’s white, so that’s an upgrade.”

Other Republicans, especially Tea Party members, are more scathing.

“I’m just ordnary folk,” claims Cletus McOnetooth, after crushing a beer can on his forehead.  “I want pollytishuns like me running this here country.  Like Sarah Palin.  Where’d she go?  I don’t know the difference between North and South Korea, either, so she’s my kind of girl.  Give me guns and Bibles, not this Ivy League sissy.  I ain’t voting for nobody till she’s back in the race.  I will give him this, at least he’s white, even if he is a Yankee.”

“Now that Romney is almost guaranteed the nomination,” states Dr. Fullofshitz of Fox News.  “Our data show that Republicans are 97.8% fully supporting him.  We at Fox News have been behind Romney all along because we’ve recognized his whiteness from day one.”

“Dr. Fullofshitz is full of shit,” counters Dr. Lottastatz  of the Center for Researching Research.  “The data to which he’s referring shows that 97.8% of Republicans are begrudgingly accepting Romney despite prior affinities for Cain, Paul, Bachmann, and Santorum, and nearly 75% of those Republicans gauge their feelings for Romney as ‘Lukewarm’ at best.  Where do they get this bullshit?”

“Dr. Lottastatz is clearly a socialist,” retorts Dr. Fullofshitz.  “He’s part of the liberal elite who want to muddle simple facts with sophisticated nuances to confuse the average voter.  The Republican Party and Fox News fully endorse Mitt Romney’s whiteness.”

However, the mood at Romney’s headquarters can be described as joyously optimistic.

“The campaign clearly has some strong momentum now these pesky ‘other’ nominees have been out-spent to the point of oblivion,” states an anonymous insider of the Romney campaign.  “We’re now going to rally the conservative base and appeal to independents by spending millions of dollars on advertising that gets to the core of our message.  Here let me show you.”

With that he held up the prototype for the campaign’s general election poster:

MITT ROMNEY:  AT LEAST I’M WHITE

Editor’s Note:  This entry in no way implies that the Tea Party and/or the Republican Party dislike President Obama based solely on the issue of race.  Any inference of that on your part indicates that you, in-fact, are a reverse-racist with clear ties to the former Soviet Union and were born from a test-tube.

Humor

Rush Limbaugh Ramblings

8 Comments


Warning: potentially offensive material ahead.

BREAKING NEWS:  In a press conference from his corporate headquarters in Toledo, Ohio this morning, Satan announced that he has completed construction on his “special place” in hell for the king of shock-jocks, Rush Limbaugh.  Though vague on all the details, the devil did describe that Limbaugh will be required to wait tables for an exclusive clientele of well-educated, African-American women, will be denied access to all forms of pain medication, and will have to listen to a non-stop loop of Yanni’s Greatest Hits.  Satan assured the liberal media in attendance that Limbaugh’s hearing will be restored to full health upon his arrival in the underworld.

“We all know there have been worse people in the history of humanity,” the Prince of Darkness stated.  “Hitler comes to mind, as does Pol Pot, but from his overt racism, misogyny, homophobia, and megalomania, Limbaugh has earned this little corner of hell.”

After the press conference, the devil fielded questions from the biased journalists on hand, most of whom pleaded for more details about Limbaugh’s pending punishments.

“Look, I can’t give away too many of the family secrets,” Satan responded.  “We’ve been in the business of torturing twisted souls for thousands of years, but recently, there’s been an upswing in competition from international conglomerates.  I have to protect my proprietary property or risk falling behind in this increasingly crowded field.  But I can assure you, Rush will spend all of eternity with smoldering cigars wedged between the fatty folds of his ass cheeks.  That’s as much detail as I’m going to give, so don’t ask again.”

After the press conference, I scurried to South Carolina to get the reaction of Joseph Cartwright III, himself a long-time conservative talk radio host and blogger.

“Well, you know, when the advertising dollars start to dry up, you’re done in this business,” Cartwright said.  “I guess Rush will have to pay for no longer making lots of people lots of money.”

Confused and bewildered, I stared blankly.

“It’s simple, really,” he continued, noticing my expression.  “As long as hate speech is profitable, the powers that be turn a blind eye, but as soon as the money stops rolling in, everyone turns on you.  It’s a tough business, spreading hate and backwards thinking, but there is a lot of money to be made in stirring up the worst of people’s emotions.  Now that Rush is declining, I’m hoping for national syndication.”

Uncertain if Cartwright was onto something or completely insane, I headed to Mississippi to speak with Konrad K. Kristian, business leader and Tea Party activist.  If anyone understood Rush Limbaugh, it would be him.

“I just don’t know what to make of this here world,” Kristian said, tears in his eyes.  “Jesus was quite clear that we need to hate fags and coloreds, but now Rush is gonna be punished for following the Scriptures.  I just don’t understand.”

Touched by his display of compassion for a man doomed to an eternity of Yanni, I asked if he needed a moment.

“No, I’ll pray about this tonight, and I’m certain tomorrow we’ll find out this was all just a hoax by them liberal media bastards.  They’re out to get all us who follow the Word of hating them that ain’t right, and I know the good Lord will clear this right up.”

Editor’s Note:  Any reference to Satan, the devil, the Prince of Darkness, and hell was approved by Eternal Damnation, Inc. of Toledo, Ohio.  No part of this article may be reprinted or reproduced whatsoever without a blood-signed, notarized release from EDI and an official sacrifice of a virgin goat under a waning crescent moon.