After the museum incident,  Cletus McOnetooth suggested that I head down to Alabama to talk to his cousin.  According to Cletus, the once normal people of that state were becoming more liberal than the homosexuals in San Francisco.  Doubting the validity of this claim, I rushed straight to his cousin’s trailer home to find out for myself.  It turns out, all the excitement, confusion, and chaos centered around one controversial subject–stem cell research.

In a dramatic reversal of ideology, the people of Alabama now favor stem cell research 4,708,706 to 2.  Obviously, such an overwhelming majority only increased my curiosity, so I immediately launched into a thorough investigation.

“I’s alway agin searching for stem cells,” Homer McOnetooth, Cletus’s cousin, stated. “Cause I always reckoned them devil-lovin scientists was just looking for some new fangled way to turn our children folk queer, but then, me and my sister was lounging in the bed and poking our noses around on that interweb, and praise the Lord if we didn’t run across the most amazing piece of information.

“Them devil-lovin scientists are right near close to being able to bring the Bear back to life!  And it all centers around searching for them there stem cells.  Now, as everbody knows, I’m a faithful member of New Hope Missionary Baptist Church in Oak Grove, and I got no love for Satan, so I figured that anything that could be used to bring back the Bear must be sent straight from the Lord.  We hopped right out of bed, got dressed, and told everbody else in the trailer park all about it.  Before you could skin a groundhog, purt-near everbody in the state was in favor of them there stem cells.

“The whole reason I was agin em to begin with was because I believe all life is a sacred gift from our Lord.  That’s why I support the death penalty for anyone who breaks the law and believe in blowing up abortion clinics.  We need to preserve life in the name of the Lord.  I couldn’t stand the thought of them devil-lovin scientists unfreezing them there babies to take out their stem cells, but if it brings back the Bear, it’s a sacrifice we can make.”

Being a good investigator, I wanted to know the counter-argument, so I went in search of the two holdouts from this newly found euphoria over stem cell research.  It turns out, those two people are none other than Nick Saban and his wife.  Both were unavailable for comment.

“We’re not sure what Coach Saban is so upset about,” Homer said.   “I’m sure the Bear’d keep him around to fetch water and hold his clipboard.  He’s a good feller.  We’d find something for him.

“I only have one real concern about all this.  Do you reckon them stem cells would make good bait for bass fishin?”

The Jew-run liberal media won’t run this story because it doesn’t further their political agenda, and Fox News won’t carry it because it’s true, but over the weekend, I discovered an amazing story that the world needs to know.

It seems that a museum in Memphis had an exhibit called “Dinosaurs Live” that featured mechanical dinosaurs.  The exhibit offers patrons an opportunity to experience firsthand the size and scope of dinosaurs when they roamed the planet.  A family from Ellis Chapel, Arkansas, devout Tea Party activists and members of the Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church of Ellis Chapel, heard about the exhibit and decided to brave the dangers of the big city to see for themselves.  When the family arrived at the museum and learned that the dinosaurs were in fact mechanical and not “live,” they demanded a full refund.

“We came down here expecting to see us some real life diney-sores,” explains Cletus McOnetooth.  “That there advertising is misleading.”

When a museum spokesperson attempted to explain that dinosaurs had been extinct for millions of years, McOnetooth became incensed.

“That’s plumb impossible.  Everbody knows the world’s only six thousand year old.  All them scientists are just puppets of Satan trying to confuse the minds of our children folk.”

The irate McOnetooth family text messaged their Tea Party militia brothers, and a protest quickly formed outside the museum.  Protesters marched with signs like: “Musiems are for Queers” “God Hates Queers” “Stop Taxing Diney-sores” “Only Queers Tax Diney-Sores” were prominent in the protest.

“If we have to, we’ll fire bomb this musiem and overthrow the government,” one protester said.  “We know this socialist regime just doesn’t want us to see the diney-sores cause it proves they’re lying about how old the earth is to pass this socialist healthcare.  We won’t stand for it anymore.”

“Don’t know why we keep getting labelled as racists,” another protester said.  “Not none of us have any problem with each other.  We all get along just fine.  It’s them blacks and Jews and queers that keep causing all the problems.”

Fortunately for all, the protest quickly disbanded when it was learned that professional wrestling was about to start in the convention center.

“We came down here to see them diney-sores,” Cletus McOnetooth said.  “But instead we got to see wrastling, so we feel it’s all part of God’s plan.  He sure does work in mysterious ways.”

After much deliberation and research, a plan has been formulated to save this country from the deep rift between conservatives and liberals.  This plan is a much needed compromise to allow each major segment of the population to have feelings of independence.

First, all lands west of the Rocky Mountain Continental Divide will become the new land Liberallum.  There will be government buildings on every street corner with rules and regulations for how to walk, talk, breathe, and perform any other act known to humanity.  All male members of Liberallum will be required to perform acts of homosexuality weekly, and all women will be required to have at least one abortion per year until menopause is reached.  Then, abortions become optional.  The government will be run by a committee formed by PETA and the chairperson will be Noam Chomsky.  At the end of each week, all property and money will be redistributed evenly among the population.

From the Rocky Mountain Continental Divide to the Mississippi River, the land shall be renamed Conservatorium.  In this region, the Ten Commandments must be posted in every building, and all citizens shall follow the Catholic-Orthodox Christian Faith, since this is the oldest denomination of Christianity.  In Conservatorium, there will be no organized government whatsoever.  Any violations of any tenet of the Catholic-Orthodox faith shall be met with immediate execution.  No science, technology, or formal education will be permitted within the realm of Conservatorium.  Though not officially government organizations, Glenn Beck will oversee the ATF, Rush Limbaugh the DEA, and Bill O’Reilly the FCC.  These organizations shall have no administrative function other than to allow each man to hear himself pontificate.  All citizens are encouraged to hoard as many material possessions as possible.

All land east of the Mississippi shall henceforth be known as The Democratic Republic of Moderation.  In this land, people are free to worship or not as they see fit.  The government shall not sanction any religious ideology under any circumstances in any forum.  The free market will operate will reasonable oversight from professional regulators appointed by elected officials.  Elected officials will be chosen by the people to serve various terms depending upon which branch of government they are serving.  Public education will meet the highest standards in the world, with emphasis on reading, writing, and arithmetic for all.  Each student will be encouraged to pursue areas of study in which they show both aptitude and interest.  In the educational system, plumbing and physics will each have equal merit, as will any other area of study.  In the Democratic Republic of Moderation, all citizens who work a regular job shall be guaranteed a livable wage and adequate access to healthcare.  Any citizen requesting public assistance in lieu of work will be subject to mandatory drug testing.  All citizens in DRM will have license to shoot the people attempting to cross the Mississippi River.