Tag Archives: media

General Posts

Patriotic Ramblings – Part Two

2 Comments

I’m ashamed of my fellow Americans.  Ashamed of you.  On Monday, we had an opportunity to pull together and begin healing as a nation, but instead of celebrating an American victory over al-Qaeda, we’ve spent the week having yet another political pissing match over who should get the credit or the blame.  Democrats have sounded like gloating jerks, “Nah, nah, our president got him.”  And Republicans have sounded like sour grapes losers, “Well, the ni…er…socialist didn’t have anything to do with it.”  Then, we have the conspiracy theorists who don’t believe that Bin Laden is dead or that he had anything to do with 9-11.

It’s sickening to watch and hear.  All of you who have taken this moment and politicized it, from Rush Limbaugh to Rashard Mendenhall to every last individual who has denigrated the bravery of the Navy Seals who pulled it off, the Commander-in-Chief who ordered it, and every person in between who contributed to it, should hang your heads in shame for disgracing our country this week.  All of you are pathetic, power-hungry hate mongers who are ripping our country apart.

We don’t need an enemy like al-Qaeda to destroy us because we have you doing their jobs for them.  There aren’t words for how disgusted I am by the pettiness and vulgarity I’ve witnessed from my country this week.  The victory was an American one, but this week has quickly dissolved into a loss because of the stupidity of partisans who can’t let go of their own selfish political interests long enough to celebrate national pride.

After 9-11, we set aside politics for several months and fixed our resolve on bringing Osama Bin Laden to justice.  On Sunday night, I was proud to be an American, proud to be part of a country that could display such resolve.  By Wednesday afternoon, I am ashamed of my nation, of the incessant bickering and squabbling over partisanship.  I am ashamed of all of you for taking what could have been a turning point for our nation, a return to what once made us so great, and turning it into a tasteless joke.

You don’t deserve to call yourselves Americans.

Humor

Sarah Palin Ramblings

1 Comment

Recently, thanks in part to the new mind control crystals the evil socialist Obama placed in all GM vehicles after the government took over the automotive sector, I got to see the thoughts of a focus group of Tea Party activists as they listened to a speech by Sarah Palin.  The group consisted of a soccer mom, a heavy equipment operator, a college student/member of the Young Republicans, and the pastor of White Haven Missionary Baptist Church.  The following is a transcript of each member’s thoughts as they listened to a speech by former Governor Palin:

Palin: “Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant — they’re quite clear — that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments.”
Soccer Mom: “She’s so pretty.  I really relate to her.  I worry about my daughter getting knocked up, too.”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “I wonder if I vote for her if she’ll let me rub her titties.”
College Student: “I’m so hungover.  I need a beer.”
Pastor: “She might be a woman, but at least she’s white.”
Palin: “They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan.”
Soccer Mom: “If I vote for her, maybe she’ll let me go shopping with her.”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “She said the word school, so she must be for education.”
College Student: “What’s an Afghanistan?”
Pastor: “My grandmother used to knit Afghans.”
Palin: “But obviously, we’ve got to stand with our North Korean allies.”
Soccer Mom: “That Korean couple on Lost was so cute.”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “I’d like to see her do a lesbo act with a Korean chick.”
College Student: “If I vote for her, I wonder if she’ll let me rub her titties?”
Pastor: “I need a shot of whiskey.”
Palin: “I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree.”
Soccer Mom: “She has a college degree.  She must be so smart.”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “What the hell kind of grammar was that?”
College Student: “I should try to bang that communications major in my Psych class.”
Pastor: “Hmmm, an educated woman?  Well, at least she’s white.”
Palin: “As we work and sightsee on America’s largest island, we’ll get to view more majestic bears, so now is a good time to draw attention to the political equivalent of the species.”
Soccer Mom: “She said bears.  She must be an animal lover, too!”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “I’d like to see her do a lesbo act with a Korean chick on a bearskin rug.”
College Student: “I’m gonna get hammered tonight.”
Pastor: “If I vote for her, maybe I’ll get to rub her titties.”
Former Governor Palin closed her speech with her trademark, “Don’t retreat; Reload!”  The mind control crystals were overwhelmed by the rush of brain waves put forth by the focus group, so we’ll never know what those thoughts were, but I left the event convinced that Sarah Palin and the general public represent all for which America now stands.
Humor

Political Ramblings

1 Comment

Warning: Contents might be offensive.  Read at your own risk.

A few days ago, my buddy Richard Drake shared a link to a conservative “humor” site called The Looking Spoon where there was a “You Might Be a Liberal If…” list.  The site just wasn’t funny.  Not even accidentally.  It wasn’t even funny in an ironic, unintended way.  There was no timing to it, no energy, just a bunch of schoolyard bully taunts strung together.  Of course, being the egomaniac that I am, my first thought was, “I can do better than that.”  So I thought I’d share my own “You Might Be a Liberal If…” list.  Then, I got to thinking that I should do a similar list for conservatives, just to be fair and balanced, so to speak.  The following are what I came up with.  Be warned, however.  There’s a very good chance you’ll be offended:

You Might Be A Liberal:

10) If your first solution to any problem is to form a government agency to regulate it…
9) If you’ve ever quoted Noam Chomsky at a soiree …
8) If you’ve ever found yourself at a bar having an intellectual debate about Post-Modernist existentialism while sipping a pinot grigio…
7) If you believe the only reason radical Islamics have declared a Jihad against the US is because they aren’t in touch with their feelings…
6) If you believe all hunters are ignorant Neanderthals and the only people who should be trusted with guns are government officials…
5) If you can’t understand why your mime interpretation of that obscure German novel never took off as a commercial hit…
4) If you’ve ever referred to the Heartland as “Fly over country”…
3) If you think Fidel Castro isn’t such a bad guy…
2) If you believe most criminals are just misunderstood unfortunates who could be reformed if someone simply took the time to listen to their feelings…
1) If you have an abortion clinic on speed dial…

You Might Be a Conservative:

10) If you are certain god will never let us run out of oil because he loves NASCAR too much…
9) If you believe the only problem with our education system is the omission of the words “under God” from the pledge of allegiance…
8) If you believe all science is a conspiracy to help Al Gore make money…
7) If you think vegetarians just don’t know what they’re missing as you bite into your bacon cheeseburger…
6) If you believe Fox News is the only unbiased news source…
5) If you think civil servants are pampered and overpaid…
4) If you think the answer to all of our problems is just more prayer…
3) If you think Karl Rove isn’t such a bad guy…
2) If you believe most CEO’s are just misunderstood fortunates who deserve $100 million bonuses for bankrupting their companies…
1) If you’re in denial about certain sexual urges…

I hope these lists at least evoke a good chuckle, and before you fire off your angry email to me, please keep in mind that this is filed under the humor category for a reason.