Warning: Contents might be offensive.  Read at your own risk.

A few days ago, my buddy Richard Drake shared a link to a conservative “humor” site called The Looking Spoon where there was a “You Might Be a Liberal If…” list.  The site just wasn’t funny.  Not even accidentally.  It wasn’t even funny in an ironic, unintended way.  There was no timing to it, no energy, just a bunch of schoolyard bully taunts strung together.  Of course, being the egomaniac that I am, my first thought was, “I can do better than that.”  So I thought I’d share my own “You Might Be a Liberal If…” list.  Then, I got to thinking that I should do a similar list for conservatives, just to be fair and balanced, so to speak.  The following are what I came up with.  Be warned, however.  There’s a very good chance you’ll be offended:

You Might Be A Liberal:

10) If your first solution to any problem is to form a government agency to regulate it…
9) If you’ve ever quoted Noam Chomsky at a soiree …
8) If you’ve ever found yourself at a bar having an intellectual debate about Post-Modernist existentialism while sipping a pinot grigio…
7) If you believe the only reason radical Islamics have declared a Jihad against the US is because they aren’t in touch with their feelings…
6) If you believe all hunters are ignorant Neanderthals and the only people who should be trusted with guns are government officials…
5) If you can’t understand why your mime interpretation of that obscure German novel never took off as a commercial hit…
4) If you’ve ever referred to the Heartland as “Fly over country”…
3) If you think Fidel Castro isn’t such a bad guy…
2) If you believe most criminals are just misunderstood unfortunates who could be reformed if someone simply took the time to listen to their feelings…
1) If you have an abortion clinic on speed dial…

You Might Be a Conservative:

10) If you are certain god will never let us run out of oil because he loves NASCAR too much…
9) If you believe the only problem with our education system is the omission of the words “under God” from the pledge of allegiance…
8) If you believe all science is a conspiracy to help Al Gore make money…
7) If you think vegetarians just don’t know what they’re missing as you bite into your bacon cheeseburger…
6) If you believe Fox News is the only unbiased news source…
5) If you think civil servants are pampered and overpaid…
4) If you think the answer to all of our problems is just more prayer…
3) If you think Karl Rove isn’t such a bad guy…
2) If you believe most CEO’s are just misunderstood fortunates who deserve $100 million bonuses for bankrupting their companies…
1) If you’re in denial about certain sexual urges…

I hope these lists at least evoke a good chuckle, and before you fire off your angry email to me, please keep in mind that this is filed under the humor category for a reason.