Tag Archives: inspiration

For Collin and Finn

Wednesday Afternoon Ramblings

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Dear sons, there will come a day when you no longer see me as Daddy.  You will no longer think of me as you do today, with the child’s perception that your parents are flawless.  No, there will come a day in your early teens, maybe sooner, when you see my frailties and flaws, my weaknesses and hypocrisies, my shortcomings and scars.  When that day comes, at first you will resent me for not being perfect.  You will be angry at me for failing to live up to that child’s perception of dad as a superhero, and more than likely, you won’t like me very much.  It’s part of growing up, part of becoming your own person, and part of maturing beyond childhood.  The process can be painful, and when that day comes, our relationships will change forever.

But change is not a bad thing.  After you’ve grown to accept my limitations as a person, hopefully there will also come a day when you see my strengths.  You will also hopefully never know all of the sacrifices I’ve endured for your sakes.  I don’t want you to know those, and I hope you never have to experience the same things I have.  What I hope, for both of you, is that you grow into smarter, stronger, more confident men than I am.  For my part, I will do my best to guide you in that direction, to teach you to avoid the same mistakes I’ve made.  You’re going to make mistakes; that’s part of learning.  But hopefully, you will not repeat the ones I’ve made.

If I can give you one thing in life to help you, it would be self-esteem.  The earlier you can learn to value yourself appropriately, the happier you will be in life, and the less likely you will be to settle for less than you deserve.  It took me nearly 36 years to begin building my self-esteem, and over the last three years, the process of accepting myself as I truly am has been painful.  But through that process of self-discovery, I’ve gained a lot of strength and have learned not to allow people to abuse my kindness, degrade my person, or mistreat me in any way.  My hope for you boys is that you’ll build your self-esteem much earlier in life so that you have that strength earlier than I did.

When you are old enough to comprehend, I will share with you some of my mistakes.  For now, just know that I have learned that most of those mistakes were caused by my feelings of inadequacy, by my lack of real self-esteem.  Please, also know that today, I believe in myself much more than I did even just three years ago.  My life is far from perfect, and I have a long way to go before I’ll consider myself a fully healed individual, but I believe I’m heading in the right direction.  I’ve endured many trials in my life, and from each of them, I’ve learned something invaluable about myself, both good and bad.  Today, I feel like a decent person with a lot to offer this world, and my hope for you is that you will both always feel that way about yourselves.

For Collin and Finn

Tuesday Morning Ramblings

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On this day, eight years ago, my oldest son was born.  That’s the day I became a man and will always be one of the two best days of my life.  I love you, son.  Hope you have a wonderful birthday full of lots of love and fun.  Here’s the poem I wrote for you:

For Collin

When you first left your mother’s womb
there were five minutes before you cried.
A father can wither a thousand times
in that span –
all the hopes I had for you
my first son,
the miracle your mother and I had worked so hard to get here
charting temperatures
taking shots
waiting month after month for the right cells to meet.

Before my voice soothed you in the warmer
and our eyes met for the first time,
there were five minutes before you drew breath,
gray, limp, fragile.
The doctor’s nerves never faltered
as he squeezed the suction bulb
drawing out the thick, brown sludge from your lungs.

Long before you, your little brother, and I
swam at Fontana lake,
there were five minutes before you cried
machines beeping
motors humming
every breath suspending
on the edge of the darkest fear
that your first whimper might never arrive.

Then the first crackle of noise
sputtered from your throat
followed by another weak crackle
and then a full, loud wail.
There were five minutes before you drew breath
and in that time
I prayed and begged and pleaded
to everything I’ve lost hope in
that one day you would know
my world means nothing
without you.

General Posts

Con Nooga Ramblings

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connooga
First off, let me say that Con Nooga 2012 was an excellent event and an awesome weekend.  An enormous shout-out and thanks to Todd and Robby for putting together such a great event.  I’ve been a guest author at this convention for four straight years, beginning with the second year it was held, and each year it has grown and gotten better.  It’s a good feeling to be a small part of something like this, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to share in the experience.  This year, there was an energy to the show that was palpable, and that energy spread throughout the entire convention.

Things started a little shaky because the hotel had made some changes to the space where the exhibitors’ hall was located, and a handful of us authors had to be moved to a different building.  At first, it felt like a slight to be booted from the hall, but as the weekend progressed, our new location turned out to be a blessing.  Also, I fully understand the reasons why we had to be moved and no longer feel as if there was any malicious intent behind the decision.  It’s all part of the growing pains as a convention expands its reach, and again, the new location ended up providing us with excellent foot traffic throughout the weekend.

On Friday, Stephen Zimmer and I made the decision to work our table for as long as the building was open each day, which meant we were at our booth pretty much the entire weekend.  It was exhausting but allowed us to reach a lot more people than we could have otherwise.  I would estimate that 1/3 of our sales for the weekend came after the exhibitors’ hall had closed, so it was worth scrapping our plans for relaxation on Friday and Saturday nights and working the crowds that came through our hallway.  We may have missed out on a little fun, but as I’ve always said, I go to conventions to work, not play.

This year, I only had three panels total, which was a little light for my usual load, but I feel like the three I did participate in were excellent, and I received positive feedback from both my fellow panelists and many people in the crowd at each one.  Andy Deane, Sean Taylor, and Allan Gilbreath are always a blast to work with, and each panel was well-attended by attentive, curious audience members.  It truly doesn’t get much better than that.

The coolest thing that happened for me all weekend was Saturday night.  Andy’s band, Bella Morte, was playing in our building at 10:00 PM, and for three years, I’ve been trying to catch them live.  Unfortunately, every time we’ve been at the same show, something has come up that prevented me from attending.  This year, I decided that I was going to the concert no matter what, and Stephen was gracious enough to watch the booth by himself while I went.  I met some very cool people in line before the show and had a great time cutting up and joking during a 30 minute sound check delay.  Despite the delay, the show was outstanding.  Bella Morte has a great sound, and Andy has an excellent voice.  It was the first concert I’ve been to in many, many years, and while I feel like my rock and roll days are behind me, I loved being there.  Before the last song, Andy took a moment to acknowledge me in the audience and plug both mine and Stephen’s books, and that was a truly special moment for me.  It’s not everyday I get hyped at a rock concert, and I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.

I don’t want to mention any one reader for fear of leaving out someone, but thank you to all of my friends and readers who came by the booth.  All of you are special to me, and I appreciate each and every one of you.  Your support and feedback and encouragement are what sustain me.  With all I’ve been through in the last five years, from the failure of my marriage to the couple of heartbreaks to the illness, you guys have been there for me, and I wish I could express my gratitude fully.  This weekend was an excellent step in the healing of my body, heart, and soul and reminded me of what truly matters in life.  I look forward to seeing everyone at Con Nooga 2013.