Tag Archives: Humor

Humor

Corporate America Ramblings

 

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I got a call from Billy Joe Oilmoney the other day, and he invited me to his office to share his newest bill that’s about to be submitted to the House. Since so much of the media has covered up with pressing news of Royal Weddings, celebrity haircuts, and middle-age indiscretions, he wanted me to share it with the world.

“It’s just great, really great,” Oilmoney said. “We’re changing the Pledge of Allegiance to more accurately reflect America.”

Intrigued, I pressed for details.

“Well, you know, the Pledge of Allegiance is a sacred vow that citizens take to defend their nation. The old Pledge just sounded too socialist and liberal to me, so I wanted to freshen it up so my Tea Party activists would feel more like it’s a reflection of the America they are forging.”

Opening a drawer, he pulled forth a legal pad and handed it to me. In my hands, I held the original draft of our new Pledge of Allegiance:

“I pledge allegiance to the logos
Of the Corporations of America
And to the CEO’s for which they stand
One nation, UNDER GOD,
With liberty and justice
For those who can afford it.
Amen, IN GOD WE TRUST”

“Ain’t it just great?” Oilmoney asked, beaming like a proud parent at a little league game.

And I must admit, it brought a tear to my eye.

Humor

Rapture Ramblings

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Contrary to popular belief, Harold Camping was correct.  The rapture did occur yesterday.  Unfortunately, however, none of us made the cut.  Since the liberal media won’t report on such things and Fox News is too busy trying to roll back human rights for the working class to pay attention to anything else, The Ramblings of D. A. Adams was granted an exclusive interview with the supreme being, the great spirit, aka God.  Shockingly, he does look a lot like George Burns.

“It’s simple really,” God began, flicking ashes from his cigar.  “You people are stupid.  I mean really, really stupid.  I’m not sure how much clearer I could be each time I’ve sent a messenger to tell you how you should live, but you just don’t get it.  All of nature seeks equilibrium, but you humans seek extremes.  Get it?”

Confused, I asked if anyone was close to ascending to heaven.

“Well, there was one old lady in Sydney who was a nail biter, but at the last minute she used my name in vain so I had to cross her off.  Sad really.”

Perplexed, I asked about my own status.

“You?” he asked, leaning back and laughing.  “Hey Peter, did you hear that?”

You haven’t really heard a hearty laugh until you’ve heard god laugh about the status of your soul.

“Um, look, I don’t to hurt your feelings, but keep working at it.  Maybe you’ll make the next one.”

Shocked, I asked how there could be another rapture.

“Oh, there’s one every decade.  So far, the only one to make it was Glenn Miller.  I hated to disappoint the troops that way, but you know, rules are rules.  Look, can we wrap this up?  I’ve got a brunch to attend with Mother Teresa, and she gets grouchy when I’m late.”

With so many more questions to ask the creator, I was frustrated by the sudden time constraint, so I asked the first question that came to mind: Was the Immaculate Reception a legal play by Franco Harris?

“Look, regardless of what the whining Raiders have to say, Tatum clearly touched that ball.  Those crybabies just have to get over it.”

With that, god vanished from the room, and I, a lifelong Steelers fan, felt vindicated.

Editor’s note: Any reference to the creator, real or imagined, is not sanctioned by the church and is, thus, heresy by the author.  May god have mercy on his soul.

Humor

Sarah Palin Ramblings

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Recently, thanks in part to the new mind control crystals the evil socialist Obama placed in all GM vehicles after the government took over the automotive sector, I got to see the thoughts of a focus group of Tea Party activists as they listened to a speech by Sarah Palin.  The group consisted of a soccer mom, a heavy equipment operator, a college student/member of the Young Republicans, and the pastor of White Haven Missionary Baptist Church.  The following is a transcript of each member’s thoughts as they listened to a speech by former Governor Palin:

Palin: “Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant — they’re quite clear — that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments.”
Soccer Mom: “She’s so pretty.  I really relate to her.  I worry about my daughter getting knocked up, too.”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “I wonder if I vote for her if she’ll let me rub her titties.”
College Student: “I’m so hungover.  I need a beer.”
Pastor: “She might be a woman, but at least she’s white.”
Palin: “They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan.”
Soccer Mom: “If I vote for her, maybe she’ll let me go shopping with her.”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “She said the word school, so she must be for education.”
College Student: “What’s an Afghanistan?”
Pastor: “My grandmother used to knit Afghans.”
Palin: “But obviously, we’ve got to stand with our North Korean allies.”
Soccer Mom: “That Korean couple on Lost was so cute.”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “I’d like to see her do a lesbo act with a Korean chick.”
College Student: “If I vote for her, I wonder if she’ll let me rub her titties?”
Pastor: “I need a shot of whiskey.”
Palin: “I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree.”
Soccer Mom: “She has a college degree.  She must be so smart.”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “What the hell kind of grammar was that?”
College Student: “I should try to bang that communications major in my Psych class.”
Pastor: “Hmmm, an educated woman?  Well, at least she’s white.”
Palin: “As we work and sightsee on America’s largest island, we’ll get to view more majestic bears, so now is a good time to draw attention to the political equivalent of the species.”
Soccer Mom: “She said bears.  She must be an animal lover, too!”
Heavy Equipment Operator: “I’d like to see her do a lesbo act with a Korean chick on a bearskin rug.”
College Student: “I’m gonna get hammered tonight.”
Pastor: “If I vote for her, maybe I’ll get to rub her titties.”
Former Governor Palin closed her speech with her trademark, “Don’t retreat; Reload!”  The mind control crystals were overwhelmed by the rush of brain waves put forth by the focus group, so we’ll never know what those thoughts were, but I left the event convinced that Sarah Palin and the general public represent all for which America now stands.