Late Night Ramblings

I’ve written on here a few times about the turmoils I’ve been through, and I’ve tried to remain open and honest about my feelings.  Life has dealt me a few serious blows, and a couple of times, I’ve thought that I was down for the count.  I’m not ashamed of my status, despite being fairly poor and barely scraping by.  I work hard, my child support is paid in full every month, and my sons have insurance.  And if I have to do without a few creature comforts to continue to be a decent father, that’s fine by me.

I’ve made some terrible choices with women.  I don’t know if I’m just attracted to the wrong ones or if the wrong ones are attracted to me or if I’m just meant to live alone, but I do know for a fact that I need to break the cycle of allowing myself to get involved with women who want to play games behind my back, reward my loyalty with betrayal, and dismiss my love like yesterday’s trash.  I’m too decent of a person to continue to allow myself to be treated in those ways, and even if I have to live alone for the rest of my days, I will not settle for anything less than a positive, healthy relationship if I ever do get involved with someone again.  And I have the internal strength to live alone as a self-sufficient individual.

For the first time in two and a half years, I feel like I’m almost to my feet emotionally.  The women who have betrayed and wounded me the worst will never again control my life.  They had an opportunity to nurture my love and grow old with it for shelter and protection, but instead, they chose to turn on me and betray it.  In the long run, that’s their loss, not mine, and even if I remain alone, I am better off without their negative anchors weighing me down.  And when I lay my head on the pillow at night, my conscience is clear enough that I don’t have much trouble falling asleep.

My books may never be successful, but I do not regret the risks I took to get them on the market.  I would take that chance again every single time.  While I may not have succeeded, it wasn’t from lack of effort.  I have no regrets and will carry my head high even if I never sell another copy because I had the discipline to complete them, the courage to put them out there, and the guts to pursue it will everything I had.  I didn’t stand on the sidelines hoping for something to happen.  I put my ass in the fire and tried to make something come to life.

And I’ll take a hundred million failures over a lifetime of passivity.

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