With human scum like Mitt Romney and Pat Robertson turning against the President, I wanted to check in with Representative Billy Joe Oilmoney to get a feel for how House Republicans are holding up during this siege against the White House.

“Well hell, old boy, I just don’t rightly know what to think,” Oilmoney began, looking pensive. “This here country is going to hell in a handbasket. That feller in Tennessee was right, the white man ain’t got no rights anymore. Did you see what Nancy Pelosi did to the president the other day? Shameful. Shameful, I tell you. A woman acting superior to a man.”

Curious, I pressed for more information.

“My granpappy used to tell me that the day women got the vote was the day this country started downhill. I mean, just look at us now. They got their heads full of notions that they can do anything they want. A woman pointing her finger at a man like that. Just shameful.”

As he spoke, veins bulged in his neck and forehead, and his face turned a darker and darker shade of purple. Not wanting to further discomfort his sensibilities, I excused myself and made my way to the Senate to find Rob R. Barron VI to get a feel for how the Senate was preparing for a potential impeachment hearing.

“I’m late for my tee time with the President, so we’ll have to talk more later, but I can assure you that I will impartially review any evidence the Speaker of the House uncovers.”

Since the Senator didn’t have time to talk, I traveled down to South Carolina to get a feel for how a Republican woman feels about the current Speaker of the House. I sat down with my old pal Bonnie Busybody, graduate of South Carolina State Technical Community College with an Associate’s in Office Administration and former Tea Party activist.

“Well, you know, I’ve tried to defend this President through it all. I mean, during the campaign, I thought he could grab my pussy anytime he wanted. And when he stood up to China, I was like, show them Chinks who’s boss. But when I saw Nancy Pelosi stand up to him, I thought he looked awful weak and wimpy sitting there letting her scold him. And then he went and doubled down on being wimpy with the whole Syria thing, so I guess I don’t want him grabbing my pussy anymore.”

Enlightened by these three perspectives, I look to America’s future with a steadfast sense of pride and optimism.