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Thursday Morning Ramblings

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I’m a misfit, always have been.  I’m equal parts dreamer, pragmatist, gypsy, homebody, mischief maker, and father.  I’m just as happy working on the land covered in mud as I am promoting books at a convention.  My musical tastes range from Concrete Blonde to Merle Haggard to Art Tatum.  I’ve never felt at home anywhere except with my children, and when I love, I love with all I am.  I’m laid-back and easy going, until something pisses me off, and then you’ll see my Scots-Irish heritage.  I’m thick-skinned and sensitive, prideful and humble, stubborn and reserved, all stuffed inside one hard head and tender heart.  Some days, it’s exhausting just living with all these complexities.

I’ve paid my dues and been through my fair share of adversity.  I don’t want anyone’s pity, but sometimes, I damn sure could use a hug.  I’m trying desperately hard not to grow bitter and cold because I’d rather learn and grow, but each time life knocks me down, that gets a little harder.  I’ve nearly given up on finding my partner but don’t want my love to wither away.  I’m perfectly capable of caring for myself and don’t need anyone to do anything for me, but it would be so nice to have someone to share things with.  That said, right now, I can’t even imagine having another committed relationship because I have too much healing to do.

Sitting here at 39, mulling these thoughts, I’m equally hopeful and terrified.  My writing career seems finally to be gaining some traction, and the foundation of my platform is solid, so for the first time in many years, I sense real progress in my career.  I’m also hopeful that I’m on the right path to heal my wounds.  Living alone, focusing on work, and taking time to sort through myself is the right step, but I’m terrified of never getting there, of waking up 20 years from now used up and alone.  Maybe that fear is just a product of the pain I feel today, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

On Saturday, I was on a panel called “The Writing Life,” and we discussed the day in, day out of crafting stories, but we didn’t discuss this side.  The complexities of personality and sacrifices of personal life it takes to be a professional novelist.  Some people are lucky enough to have a supportive partner with them on their journey, so their experience is different from mine, but I know that what makes me a writer is also what makes me hard to live with sometimes.  There’s a great line from the song “Nowhere Road” by Steve Earle and Reno King about being a musician, but I think it applies equally to any art:  “But there’s a toll to pay / so if you’re going / the keeper of the gate is blind / so you best be prepared to pay.”  That pretty well sums up my feelings on where I am in my life today.  I’ve chosen this road and am paying the toll to get across.  While I wouldn’t change anything, some days I question whether the sacrifices will ever be worth it.  But like I said at the beginning, I’m a misfit.  This is who and what I am, so either accept me as I am or don’t waste my time.

For Collin and Finn

Wednesday Afternoon Ramblings

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Dear sons, there will come a day when you no longer see me as Daddy.  You will no longer think of me as you do today, with the child’s perception that your parents are flawless.  No, there will come a day in your early teens, maybe sooner, when you see my frailties and flaws, my weaknesses and hypocrisies, my shortcomings and scars.  When that day comes, at first you will resent me for not being perfect.  You will be angry at me for failing to live up to that child’s perception of dad as a superhero, and more than likely, you won’t like me very much.  It’s part of growing up, part of becoming your own person, and part of maturing beyond childhood.  The process can be painful, and when that day comes, our relationships will change forever.

But change is not a bad thing.  After you’ve grown to accept my limitations as a person, hopefully there will also come a day when you see my strengths.  You will also hopefully never know all of the sacrifices I’ve endured for your sakes.  I don’t want you to know those, and I hope you never have to experience the same things I have.  What I hope, for both of you, is that you grow into smarter, stronger, more confident men than I am.  For my part, I will do my best to guide you in that direction, to teach you to avoid the same mistakes I’ve made.  You’re going to make mistakes; that’s part of learning.  But hopefully, you will not repeat the ones I’ve made.

If I can give you one thing in life to help you, it would be self-esteem.  The earlier you can learn to value yourself appropriately, the happier you will be in life, and the less likely you will be to settle for less than you deserve.  It took me nearly 36 years to begin building my self-esteem, and over the last three years, the process of accepting myself as I truly am has been painful.  But through that process of self-discovery, I’ve gained a lot of strength and have learned not to allow people to abuse my kindness, degrade my person, or mistreat me in any way.  My hope for you boys is that you’ll build your self-esteem much earlier in life so that you have that strength earlier than I did.

When you are old enough to comprehend, I will share with you some of my mistakes.  For now, just know that I have learned that most of those mistakes were caused by my feelings of inadequacy, by my lack of real self-esteem.  Please, also know that today, I believe in myself much more than I did even just three years ago.  My life is far from perfect, and I have a long way to go before I’ll consider myself a fully healed individual, but I believe I’m heading in the right direction.  I’ve endured many trials in my life, and from each of them, I’ve learned something invaluable about myself, both good and bad.  Today, I feel like a decent person with a lot to offer this world, and my hope for you is that you will both always feel that way about yourselves.

General Posts

Thursday Morning Ramblings

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I’m trying to heal, learn, and grow as a person.  For too many years of my life, I’ve allowed others to make me feel unworthy.  I’ve allowed unrealistic expectations of who I should be and how I should act and how much I should give dictate my life.  As a result, in the past, I’ve allowed the women in my life to treat me with disrespect, and I bent over backwards to prove my worth, to give more and more and more, until I was left cold and empty, feeling used up and discarded.  Those women may have different perspectives and versions, but I know how I was made to feel, and over the last four years, as I’ve struggled to redefine myself as a person and a man, I’ve grown less and less tolerant of any act of disrespect.  Part of this process I’ve been going through has taught me my worth, and I will not settle for anything less than how I deserve to be treated.

If that makes me come across as selfish, so be it.  Life is too short to be told and made to feel as if I don’t do or give enough when I know damn well I give more than I take.  Nobody, and I do mean nobody, will ever make me feel that way again, not my children, not a friend, not a lover, not my family.  I’ve endured too many trials, from the shotput accident to the divorce to the struggles in my career to the heartbreaks to this recent illness, to allow myself to be mistreated.  I will be alone if that’s what it takes.  I’m a loyal and faithful man; when I give myself to a woman, I do not step outside of that relationship.  That alone makes me a fairly rare breed.  Every single time I’ve gotten knocked down, I’ve gotten back to my feet and continued pushing for my goals and dreams.  I may never accomplish all that I want, but it will not be from lack of effort.  That, too, makes me valuable.  The people who don’t really know me can fabricate whatever stories or issues or dramas they need to create in order to paint me as the bad guy, but in my heart, I know the truth of who and what I am as a man.

I know I have a lot of love to offer.  I may not be romantic or sentimental, but I am kind and nurturing.  I may not buy flowers or jewelry, but I do offer a strong shoulder and tenderness.  I may not always say or do the right things at the right time, but I never intentionally lash out or demean people.  I’m not a knight in shining armor, but I am a decent man.  Maybe one day, I’ll find the woman who appreciates me for who I am instead of criticizing me for what I’m not.  If that day comes, hopefully I’ll have healed enough to embrace it.  If it never comes along, I’ll try my best not to grow cold and bitter.  As the Outlaw once sang, “I won’t let it change me not if I can. I’d rather believe in love and give it away as much as I can to those I’m fondest of.”