Tag Archives: Politics

Friday Afternoon Ramblings

I’ve been getting a lot of hate mail from liberals lately, claiming I’m not mocking them with the same enthusiasm and joy as conservatives, and as much as I’d like to keep my blog “fair and balanced” so to speak, I just can’t think of anything really funny to write about liberals right now.  I started a piece about taking a vegan bass fishing, and while it had potential, it just didn’t have the same pop as Cletus McOnetooth.

I’m not sure why that is.  There’s plenty of irrationality on the left, and there’s just as many nut jobs who deserve ridicule, but Fox News and Rush spend so much time painting everyone not far right as liberal, they’ve taken the steam out of mocking the far left.

Also, mocking the right is so much damn fun.  In the past couple of weeks, I’ve learned from Tea Party “We’re not Racist, We Just Don’t Like Blacks, Jews, Queers, Hispanics, and Ay-rabs” Members that it takes nine full years for a presidential policy to affect the economy, so that everything happening now is because of W.  Everything in the 90’s was because of Sr. and everything in the 80’s was because of Jimmy Carter.  Exquisite logic.  I’ve also learned that according to the news, the stock market fluctuates so no one really knows if the number is higher today than a year and a half ago because no one keeps records on those kinds of things.  Plus, all the jobs being created right now are census jobs.  Companies aren’t really hiring yet.  Maybe we should do a census every year if it provides that many jobs.

I’ve also learned that Tea Party “Non-Racists” support providing more health coverage for children, increasing coverage for Medicare/Medicaid, lowering prescription drug costs, and lowering costs for important diagnostic tests for elderly.  In effect, they support healthcare reform, they just don’t support the president who is pushing those provisions because Fox News draped those provisions in inflammatory rhetoric.

I also learned that 20% = 51% because despite the entire federal budget only equaling 20% of the GDP, the government now controls 51% of the entire US economy.  And even though W. inherited a balanced budget with a surplus and then proceeded to run up record deficits for eight years because of zero fiscal responsibility, the entire current deficit is Obama’s fault because he tripled the deficit from 10 trillion to 14 trillion.  I’m an English guy and not great with numbers, but even I suspect that math is a little fuzzy.

So until liberals give me some good grist for the mill, I’m gonna have to keep picking on the poor, helpless, tormented conservatives.

Thursday Morning Ramblings

It frustrates me that conservatives are so entrenched in their own beliefs that any attempt by working people to assert our rights is automatically labeled as communist, Marxist, socialist, or anti-capitalist, especially when these same people hide behind religion to give them the illusion of holding moral high ground.

Here’s a quick story to illustrate my personal experience and why I believe we need reform.

Over the years, I’ve worked on and off delivering pizza.  In between undergraduate and graduate schools, I did it for two years.  The money was pretty good, and the hours allowed me plenty of time to write.  When I first finished graduate school, I went back to the job while I searched for a teaching position.  During my teaching career, I’ve gone back three or four times to make ends meet.  Just in that industry alone, I’ve firsthand witnessed a major shift in how employees are treated.

When I first started, all drivers were paid an hourly wage (usually minimum) and then commission on their nightly deliveries.  The commission was tiered so that the harder you worked and the more you delivered, the more money you earned.  If memory serves, less than 10 deliveries equaled 6.5% commission; 10-19 equaled 7.5%; and 20 or more equaled 8.5%.  There was a very clear, very tangible motivation to work harder, and everyone was making money.  Most nights, I was earning about $15 an hour total, which for a 22 year old kid wasn’t bad.  And the store was very profitable, too.

Then, when I got out of graduate school in 1999, I learned that the commission structure had been changed from a percentage to a flat rate of $1.25 per run.  This was great on small orders because it was a nice increase, but on normal and large orders, it was a noticeable decrease in pay.  Instead of being able to average $15 an hour, it became more like $12-13.  The interesting thing, however, was that the store was doing more volume at that time.

When my oldest was born and I went back to the job for the last time, things had really changed.  The per delivery pay had been decreased to $1.00, and employee meals were limited to “mistakes” that couldn’t be sold.  At that time, on a good night you might average $10 an hour.  Right after I left the position, one of the drivers informed me that the commission structure changed yet again.  Instead of a flat $1.00 per delivery, it became linked to the number of deliveries per trip out the door: $1.00 for the first, $.75 for the second, and $.50 for the third.  Where’s the motivation to work harder?  The crazy part is that the store was selling more than ever before.

To me, this is an illustration of what’s been wrong with this country for the last decade.  I guarantee the CEO and top executives of the company didn’t endure a 33% reduction in their pay while the price of food, gas, healthcare, and rent were spiraling upwards without control.  I’d be willing to bet their pay probably increased, but when we complain about that, we’re labeled as communists.

I happen to like the free market.  I happen to believe that consumers should be the ones to determine which companies flourish and which flounder, but I also understand that you can’t have a consumer class without having a strong viable middle class that earns a fair wage and can afford more than the basic necessities for survival.  I also understand that treating employees as a disposable commodity does not follow suit with the tenets of most major religions.

It’s not about throwing out capitalism.  It’s about refining the system to be more inclusive to the average person who is willing to go to work and put in a hard day’s work for a company that is making a good profit.  I strongly and firmly believe that every person who works full-time and performs up to reasonable standards should earn enough money to afford food, shelter, healthcare, education for their children, and retirement for themselves.  If that makes me a radical Marxist, then so be it, but that is what I believe, and I shall beat on that drum as long as there is breath in my body to do so.


Tea Party Ramblings

After American Idol last night, there was a knock on my door.  I wasn’t expecting company, so it was a little unsettling.  I peeked through the peephole and couldn’t believe my eyes.  I stood there, unable to move.  The knock came again, more impatiently this time, so I opened the door, my heart about to beat through my chest.

On my doorstep was Das Fuhrer himself, Adolph Hitler.  Well, his apparition, anyway.  He’s been dead for 65 years.

Unsure of the etiquette for meeting the most maniacal leader in history, I invited him in, and for an Austrian/German, his English was impeccable. After I prepared hot tea, he and I sat on the couch and exchanged pleasantries, but he quickly got down to brass tacks.

“I need someone to write my story,” he said.  “And Fox News wouldn’t return my calls.  You’ve been doing a great job on your blog recently, so I trust you to be honest and fair.”

I blushed.  Hitler’s a fan.

“I’m mad as hell over these recent comparisons between Barack Obama and myself,” he began.  “How dare they compare me, the most ultra-right-wing dictator in the history of the universe, with a mixed-breed moderate who compromises with his opposition.  It’s outrageous!”

I swear, a tear welled up in his left eye, however briefly.

“I give the world rockets, jets, and the interstate highway system, and I’m repaid with this slander.  When the Jews insult me, it’s understandable.  We had our differences.  But my own constituents?  How can they turn on me like this?”

I offered my condolences.

“And what the f**k happened to Quentin Tarantino?  Resevoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Death Proof, all brilliant.  What the f**k was he thinking with Inglourious Basterds?”

I must admit I had no answer.

“Anyway, you’ve been a gracious host, but my day pass is about to expire.  I must get back to hell.  Lucifer’s a real dick about punctuality.  And people thought I was a dictator?  The stories I could tell.”

With that, he excused himself, leaving me in stunned silence.

Stem Cell Ramblings

After the museum incident,  Cletus McOnetooth suggested that I head down to Alabama to talk to his cousin.  According to Cletus, the once normal people of that state were becoming more liberal than the homosexuals in San Francisco.  Doubting the validity of this claim, I rushed straight to his cousin’s trailer home to find out for myself.  It turns out, all the excitement, confusion, and chaos centered around one controversial subject–stem cell research.

In a dramatic reversal of ideology, the people of Alabama now favor stem cell research 4,708,706 to 2.  Obviously, such an overwhelming majority only increased my curiosity, so I immediately launched into a thorough investigation.

“I’s alway agin searching for stem cells,” Homer McOnetooth, Cletus’s cousin, stated. “Cause I always reckoned them devil-lovin scientists was just looking for some new fangled way to turn our children folk queer, but then, me and my sister was lounging in the bed and poking our noses around on that interweb, and praise the Lord if we didn’t run across the most amazing piece of information.

“Them devil-lovin scientists are right near close to being able to bring the Bear back to life!  And it all centers around searching for them there stem cells.  Now, as everbody knows, I’m a faithful member of New Hope Missionary Baptist Church in Oak Grove, and I got no love for Satan, so I figured that anything that could be used to bring back the Bear must be sent straight from the Lord.  We hopped right out of bed, got dressed, and told everbody else in the trailer park all about it.  Before you could skin a groundhog, purt-near everbody in the state was in favor of them there stem cells.

“The whole reason I was agin em to begin with was because I believe all life is a sacred gift from our Lord.  That’s why I support the death penalty for anyone who breaks the law and believe in blowing up abortion clinics.  We need to preserve life in the name of the Lord.  I couldn’t stand the thought of them devil-lovin scientists unfreezing them there babies to take out their stem cells, but if it brings back the Bear, it’s a sacrifice we can make.”

Being a good investigator, I wanted to know the counter-argument, so I went in search of the two holdouts from this newly found euphoria over stem cell research.  It turns out, those two people are none other than Nick Saban and his wife.  Both were unavailable for comment.

“We’re not sure what Coach Saban is so upset about,” Homer said.   “I’m sure the Bear’d keep him around to fetch water and hold his clipboard.  He’s a good feller.  We’d find something for him.

“I only have one real concern about all this.  Do you reckon them stem cells would make good bait for bass fishin?”

Tea Party Ramblings

The Jew-run liberal media won’t run this story because it doesn’t further their political agenda, and Fox News won’t carry it because it’s true, but over the weekend, I discovered an amazing story that the world needs to know.

It seems that a museum in Memphis had an exhibit called “Dinosaurs Live” that featured mechanical dinosaurs.  The exhibit offers patrons an opportunity to experience firsthand the size and scope of dinosaurs when they roamed the planet.  A family from Ellis Chapel, Arkansas, devout Tea Party activists and members of the Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church of Ellis Chapel, heard about the exhibit and decided to brave the dangers of the big city to see for themselves.  When the family arrived at the museum and learned that the dinosaurs were in fact mechanical and not “live,” they demanded a full refund.

“We came down here expecting to see us some real life diney-sores,” explains Cletus McOnetooth.  “That there advertising is misleading.”

When a museum spokesperson attempted to explain that dinosaurs had been extinct for millions of years, McOnetooth became incensed.

“That’s plumb impossible.  Everbody knows the world’s only six thousand year old.  All them scientists are just puppets of Satan trying to confuse the minds of our children folk.”

The irate McOnetooth family text messaged their Tea Party militia brothers, and a protest quickly formed outside the museum.  Protesters marched with signs like: “Musiems are for Queers” “God Hates Queers” “Stop Taxing Diney-sores” “Only Queers Tax Diney-Sores” were prominent in the protest.

“If we have to, we’ll fire bomb this musiem and overthrow the government,” one protester said.  “We know this socialist regime just doesn’t want us to see the diney-sores cause it proves they’re lying about how old the earth is to pass this socialist healthcare.  We won’t stand for it anymore.”

“Don’t know why we keep getting labelled as racists,” another protester said.  “Not none of us have any problem with each other.  We all get along just fine.  It’s them blacks and Jews and queers that keep causing all the problems.”

Fortunately for all, the protest quickly disbanded when it was learned that professional wrestling was about to start in the convention center.

“We came down here to see them diney-sores,” Cletus McOnetooth said.  “But instead we got to see wrastling, so we feel it’s all part of God’s plan.  He sure does work in mysterious ways.”

Political Ramblings

After much deliberation and research, a plan has been formulated to save this country from the deep rift between conservatives and liberals.  This plan is a much needed compromise to allow each major segment of the population to have feelings of independence.

First, all lands west of the Rocky Mountain Continental Divide will become the new land Liberallum.  There will be government buildings on every street corner with rules and regulations for how to walk, talk, breathe, and perform any other act known to humanity.  All male members of Liberallum will be required to perform acts of homosexuality weekly, and all women will be required to have at least one abortion per year until menopause is reached.  Then, abortions become optional.  The government will be run by a committee formed by PETA and the chairperson will be Noam Chomsky.  At the end of each week, all property and money will be redistributed evenly among the population.

From the Rocky Mountain Continental Divide to the Mississippi River, the land shall be renamed Conservatorium.  In this region, the Ten Commandments must be posted in every building, and all citizens shall follow the Catholic-Orthodox Christian Faith, since this is the oldest denomination of Christianity.  In Conservatorium, there will be no organized government whatsoever.  Any violations of any tenet of the Catholic-Orthodox faith shall be met with immediate execution.  No science, technology, or formal education will be permitted within the realm of Conservatorium.  Though not officially government organizations, Glenn Beck will oversee the ATF, Rush Limbaugh the DEA, and Bill O’Reilly the FCC.  These organizations shall have no administrative function other than to allow each man to hear himself pontificate.  All citizens are encouraged to hoard as many material possessions as possible.

All land east of the Mississippi shall henceforth be known as The Democratic Republic of Moderation.  In this land, people are free to worship or not as they see fit.  The government shall not sanction any religious ideology under any circumstances in any forum.  The free market will operate will reasonable oversight from professional regulators appointed by elected officials.  Elected officials will be chosen by the people to serve various terms depending upon which branch of government they are serving.  Public education will meet the highest standards in the world, with emphasis on reading, writing, and arithmetic for all.  Each student will be encouraged to pursue areas of study in which they show both aptitude and interest.  In the educational system, plumbing and physics will each have equal merit, as will any other area of study.  In the Democratic Republic of Moderation, all citizens who work a regular job shall be guaranteed a livable wage and adequate access to healthcare.  Any citizen requesting public assistance in lieu of work will be subject to mandatory drug testing.  All citizens in DRM will have license to shoot the people attempting to cross the Mississippi River.