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Tuesday Morning Ramblings

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Part of my healing process to become a better man, father, and partner has been to re-evaluate my life and look at all the twists and turns and missteps I’ve traveled.  I’ve worked in pizza on virtually every level, including mostly delivery; sweated and shivered in warehouses; drove a short-haul truck route; built a greenhouse; ran the front desk of hotels; cleaned tables as a bus boy; fallen on my face in retail; sold advertising, cars, and timeshare; tutored kids; lectured on composition, business communications, and speech; written books, short stories, articles, and Ramblings; and toiled at a variety of menial labor positions.  From each of these experiences, I’ve learned something about myself and others and life in general.

While not every choice I’ve made has been right, I wouldn’t trade one moment of my past for anything better.  Each step, each failure, each new attempt has brought me to today, to the man I’ve grown into.  I happen to like this man.  Sure, I’m stubborn and proud, battered and bruised, but I’m also more steadfast and dedicated to accomplishing my goals.  I’ve learned our greatest strengths as a species are our capacity for compassion and ability to forgive.  I’ve learned that through giving of ourselves without expectation of return we find peace and contentment.  Even the smallest act of simple kindness can impact a person’s life profoundly.

I’m still a work and progress and have much patience and maturity to learn.  I’m trying hard to let go of the anger and pain I feel towards those who have wronged me, and I’m hoping for forgiveness from those I’ve wronged.  I’m grateful for each and every person who takes the time to read one of my books or silly Ramblings, and I’m humbled whenever someone finds entertainment or inspiration from what I’ve written.  I’m blessed to have my health on the mend and grateful for each new day, each new opportunity to do something positive with my life.  I’m grateful for all the friends and loved ones in my life; you are the greatest blessing a person could ask for.

I’ve learned to define success on my terms, without the  encumbrance of preconceived expectations, and while I’m not financially where I want to be, in many ways, I’m more successful than I ever imagined possible.  I’ve learned who I am and what I’m worth as a man, a father, a friend, and a lover, and that knowledge alone is worth all of the hardships.  I’ve learned that nothing worth having comes easy, and while that may seem trite and mundane and cliche, it’s one of the truest truths in this world.  All I can do, as a work in progress, is keep working hard, keep learning, keep growing, keep maturing, and keep striving.  That is my path to my definition of success, and I will walk that path with my eyes open, my shoulders held high, and my head slightly bowed.  In that manner, I will traverse my road, and in that manner, I will enjoy the journey.

For Collin and Finn

Friday Morning Ramblings

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Dear sons, one of my hopes for you is that you learn to be self-sufficient.  There’s a freedom to knowing how to do things for yourself that’s invaluable.  Not needing someone else to wash and iron your clothes or tend your yard or patch your roof or cook your meals allows you to stand on your own and not be dependent on anyone.  I hope you learn all of the essential skills and grow into the kinds of men who don’t need a woman to survive and who don’t have to call a contractor every time a faucet starts dripping.  You will be much happier men if you develop these skills.

I’m fortunate that your great-grandfather and papaw taught me how to do the basics of most things.  I’m fortunate that I learned to cook and do laundry while in college.  There aren’t many things I can’t do for myself, and I feel confident that even if I don’t know how to do something, I can figure it out with a little trial and error.  Part of learning self-sufficiency is not fearing making mistakes.  We learn the most when we try something, fail, and then try again.  If you want to grow into strong, independent men, set aside the fear of failure and try to do things for yourselves.

Even though this hasn’t worked out for me yet, I also believe that having self-sufficiency will make you a better partner for whomever you end up with.  When you can help out with the dishes as well as mow the yard, you can share more of the daily chores that make life a grind.  Sharing the load goes a long way to reducing stress in a relationship and makes you more equal as partners.  Also, if you can do for yourself, you are less likely to end up trapped in a bad situation because you have the confidence that you can survive on your own.

So sons, learn as many skills as you can.  As you grow, I’ll try to teach you some of what I’ve learned, but the most important skill I hope you cultivate is to teach yourself how to learn new things.  If you can do this, you’ll learn independence, and with independence comes freedom.  One of my great hopes for both of you is that you never feel dependent on anyone for anything.  I love you, boys, and can’t wait to see you in a couple of months.

For Collin and Finn

Friday Morning Ramblings

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A pic from one of our first weeks together.

Dear sons, one day, I hope you’ll look back at these posts and know what a profound impact you had on my life.  Even though I was 31 when Collin was born, I didn’t really become a man until that day, and being your father has been the most important role of my existence.  None of the professional accomplishments measure up to the satisfaction of those times I’ve gotten to keep you guys for a week or two at a time.  To this day, my proudest achievement is the first time I kept you boys alone for that 11 or 12 day stretch, feeding you every meal, bathing you each night, and getting you to sleep.  Collin, you were 4, and Finn, you were not yet 2.  Being able to care for you by myself and keeping you safe and healthy for that long made me feel better about myself as a person than anything before or since.

Life without you hasn’t always been easy.  When you are in Florida and we have months to go before we’ll see each other again, I miss you more than words could ever express, but all I have to do is think about the times we’ve spent together, and I smile.  There’s a moment with each trip after we’ve endured the long drive and gotten settled at home, when you boys start running around and playing with all of the toys you haven’t seen in months.  At some point, you both start laughing, and that sound soothes and heals me more than anything.  On my hardest days, the memories of your laughter get me through the darkest moments.

My only real regret in life is that I’m not able to have you guys more often or for longer periods.  So far, circumstances have prevented that from being a realistic possibility, and while I love talking to you on the phone, it isn’t a good enough substitute for holding you, hugging you, and seeing you with my own eyes.  My biggest goal in life is to have more time together, and I promise that I’m working as hard as I can to make that a reality.  Please, don’t ever think, even for a moment, that I don’t want to spend more time with you because there is not one second of my life that I don’t miss you boys and wish we were together.  One day, you’ll be old enough to understand the logistics of making even one trip happen, but until that day, I hope you know in your hearts that Daddy would trade everything for more time with you.

I love you guys and can’t wait to see you again.