Tag Archives: entertainment

Charlie Sheen Ramblings

Now that the shock of Justin Bieber’s haircut has worn off, America once again turns its attention to its most pressing issue.  No, silly, not surging oil prices from unrest in the Middle East or erratic weather patterns or corporate greed.  America needs to know what is happening with Charlie Sheen.

He’s not just another aging man trying to hold onto his youth by snorting coke off the bellies of porn stars.  This is Charlie Sheen, America’s greatest comedic actor.  While England can boast Lawrence Olivier and Anthony Hopkins, America can take pride in the sweeping range of Charlie Sheen’s acting skills.  From his portrayal of the bad boy convict in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to the bad boy pitcher in Major League to the bad boy pilot in Hot Shots to the bad boy skirt chaser in Two and a Half Men, Sheen has demonstrated that he can take on any roll.

Now, the mean executives at CBS have pulled the plug on his sitcom, and America sits in stunned silence, trying to pull itself together and recover from the loss of this comedic masterpiece.  To get my finger on the pulse of how the average American is handling this crisis, I rushed to Ellis Chapel, Arkansas to speak with my old friend, Cletus McOnetooth.

“It’s painful,” Cletus said.  “After wrestlin and Glenn Beck, it was my favorite show.  You never knew from one week to the next if he was gonna make a joke about being drunk or being high.  Sometimes, to really shake things up, he’d make a joke about being drunk and high.  You can’t get no funnier than that.”

Cletus choked on the last words, tears streaming down his cheeks, so I stopped  the interview to prevent permanent emotional scarring at recalling the loss of  his third favorite TV program.  But I knew America needed to know more about this terrible tragedy, so I rushed to South Carolina to sit down with conservative talk show host and blogger Joseph Cartwright III to see how the religious folk were holding up under the strain of these trying times.

“My callers are just stunned,” Cartwright said.  “Who could’ve predicted that Charlie Sheen’s bad boy antics could ever lead to turmoil?  No one expected this.  I’ve even had liberals calling in my show to mourn for the cancelling of Two and a Half Men.  That’s how important Charlie Sheen is to America.  His comedic genius transcends politics and ideology.  My audience and I are praying to the good Lord every day that somehow Charlie Sheen will return to TV soon.”

Touched by the outpouring of affection for America’s greatest comedic actor, I went to a local bar to toss back a few shots to show CBS my support for Sheen’s genius, and in the bar I was surrounded by dozens of other middle-aged men who had thrown away their families in pursuit of hookers and booze, and I marveled at the solidarity America can muster during times of real crisis.

This entry is dedicated to the spoiled and pampered celebrities around the globe who are tired of being confused with drug addicts and sleaze bags.  May their talent and genius forever shine as a beacon of America’s greatness.

Thursday Afternoon Ramblings

Here are two examples of why our educational system is imploding: Two days ago, as I was going to lunch, I overheard three or four students discussing why they were ditching class that day.  From their conversation, I surmised that they were skipping a composition class, and while I don’t claim that I never skipped a class, it was their reason that disturbed me.  “We’re not doing anything, today,” one girl said.  “She’s just talking about writing drafts and stuff.”  That’s the mentality in a nutshell–listening and taking notes is “not doing anything” to this generation.  There’s simply no thirst for knowledge, no passion for learning new concepts.  Everything must be entertainment.  Those of you who have never taught, I dare you to stand in front of 30 of these slack-jawed, glassy-eyed, mentally regressed oafs, try to discuss with them something about which you are passionate, and NOT feel the urge to shake the crap out of them.

The second example is equally disturbing to me.  In my developmental writing course, I gave back papers yesterday, and one of the students, who has been the most vocal that he doesn’t need the course, earned a D because he had five or six comma splices in a 250 word paragraph.  His strong content is all that kept him from an F, but as soon as he saw his grade, he came rushing up to me.  “This is unacceptable,” he said.  “What can I do for extra credit?”  Then, later in class, he explained to me that he couldn’t understand how he could be considered such a weak writer in college when he was an honors English student all through high school.  First off, I don’t give extra credit.  I still stick to my guns that extra credit should only be doing it right the first time.  But the “honors” student is what really disturbs me because it gets straight to the heart of what’s wrong with education today.

For a couple of decades now, the movement in education has been about making students feel good about themselves.  Don’t criticize them too harshly because you might irreparably wound their tender egos.  As a result of this coddling, the students never develop a sense of accountability.  Then, when they are faced with the cold, harsh reality that they aren’t precious little snowflakes and that the world doesn’t give a damn about their excuses or their emotions or their self-imposed limitations, they crumble into little balls of wounded feelings.  And here’s where I’ll sound like my father and grandfather, but in my day, being an honors student really meant something.  If I had written ONE comma splice for Mrs. LeFever, she not only would’ve flunked me on that paper, she would’ve kicked me out of the honors class.  We actually had to be able to perform at an honors level to remain in those classes.  Today, it’s an empty title based on an empty attempt to educate without standards.

I wanted to tell him that he should go back to his high school and berate them for giving him a false sense of ability when they should have been preparing him for collegiate writing.  Instead, however, I told him to work harder on the next paper, but I doubt that he will learn the lesson.  For too many years, he’s heard how special he is, how unique, how capable.  Now that he’s actually being held to account for his actual ability, it’s my fault for being too harsh and for not recognizing his brilliance.  This, my friends, is why I want out.

Indie GoGo

Saturday Evening Ramblings

Day two of ConNooga has been pretty fun.  I had a couple of good panels and got to meet a lot of people today.  David Blalock, author of Swordbearer, stopped by to say hello, as did my buddy Joel Gates, who is a frequent commenter here on the Ramblings.  I also got to see many other people, so please forgive me if I didn’t mention you.  Overall, I’m having a great time.

I love promoting the books and being around creative people.  Next year, I hope to do many more shows.