Tag Archives: children

General Posts

Ides of March Ramblings

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Warning: profanity ahead.

Here’s the simple, honest truth of where I am as a person: my tolerance for other people’s bullshit is gone.  If I didn’t directly cause the issue that’s got your ass puckered, don’t turn your ire on me because the backlash will be painfully honest, unfiltered, and more than likely profane.  If I did create the issue, I’ll be the first to apologize and make amends for my transgression, but if I didn’t, don’t even think about taking it out on me.  When I was young and insecure and weak, I let too many people walk all over me and take advantage of me and trample my self-esteem, but the great thing about a little stroll through hell is that it reforges your will into something stronger, something more resilient, and at times something a little meaner.

My trip through hell mostly consisted of losing my children and learning to live with that emptiness in my heart.  I was stripped bare to my soul and forced to look at myself void of any facade.  I saw myself pretty clearly: the flaws, the scars, the wounds, and the good.  In those darkest moments, when I truly was alone and had nothing, something quite amazing happened.  I learned to love myself.  I have every excuse in the universe to be a son of a bitch, a user, a junkie, a drunk, or a derelict, but instead of allowing others to rob me of the goodness and decency in my heart, I’ve continued to live by compassion, respect, loyalty, devotion, and enterprise, and no one on this earth will ever dampen my self-esteem again.

I’ve also, quite literally, faced my own mortality three times so far.  At 8, I got a serious blood infection from a tick bite and at the worst weighed 40 pounds.  Obviously, I was too young then to comprehend the gravity of that situation, but as an adult, I get it.  At 16, I endured the shotput accident and learned the fragility of life.  At 38, I thought my body was failing me and had to deal with the prospect of losing my independence and possibly my life before my children were grown.  To a man like me, that’s about as terrifying as it gets, but I’ve endured all three and come through the other side stronger, wiser, and yes, a little harder.

So before you step to me with some self-generated bullshit or something someone else has done to ruffle your feathers, you better take a long, close look in my eyes and make sure you’re prepared for the blow-back because I will not tolerate it, not from you, not even from my sons.  I’ve paid my motherfucking dues and have earned the right to stand up for myself.  And you best believe me when I say if I can live without my kids in my life every day, I damn sure can live without you, no matter who you are.  If you come at me with respect and treat me with dignity, you’ll find a pretty decent man who will offer you courtesy and compassion, tolerance and acceptance, but if you cross my line in the sand, just be forewarned that this hardened piece of hickory has a little sting to it.

General Posts

Saturday Morning Ramblings

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I was 23 when my ex-wife and I first started dating.  In many ways, I was just a dumb kid, full of dreams and ambitions, but truly clueless about how the world really functions.  I believed in my abilities as a writer and even had a handful of publishing credits under my belt, but in terms of building a career, I had no idea what I was doing.  I decided to go to graduate school for an MFA in Creative Writing because I thought that degree would afford me the opportunity to write full-time and teach for a little while until I began making a fortune from my books.

She and I married my fourth semester of the six semester program, and I was utterly miserable in graduate school.  All of my passion and love for writing was crushed by the petty workshops and backbiting students and the un-inspirational core faculty.  To this day, I will not join a formal writers’ group for those reasons.  Shortly after she and I married, we found out she was pregnant, and without any real support system in Memphis, I chose to get my Master’s in Creative Writing (which is considered a lesser degree but still allows one to teach on the collegiate level) to find work and be able to provide for my new family.  I also made the decision to move us back to East Tennessee to have our families near us  for support.

Shortly after the move, she had a miscarriage and for the most part blamed me because of the long ride in the bumpy truck.  The first year of our marriage was almost as bad as the last two.  I worked several crappy jobs while looking for teaching work and struggled just to keep a roof over our heads.  By this point, at 26, I had given up on writing.  The experience of graduate school had been too much, so when I first landed a teaching position, I resigned myself to being a full-time teacher.  At least, I rationalized, I could share my love of language with others.

The school where I held my first full-time assignment treated its faculty like second-class citizens and worked us beyond anything reasonable.  For over 8 years, I gave those bastards my absolute best, and in return, I got a paltry salary, a mountain of attitude, and zero respect.  Not from all, there were some people there who were wonderful colleagues, but the bad far outweighed the good.  In 2003, about halfway though my career at that school, I experienced a rebirth of sorts when my first son was conceived and, despite working full-time at the college and part-time on the weekends, poured myself into crafting The Brotherhood of Dwarves.  I truly believed writing would be my ticket out of education and the way to provide a better life for my son.

Other than the birth of my second son, 2006 was a rough year for me.  My marriage was unraveling in front of my eyes, and my relationship with the college had soured to the point that I would no longer attend meetings to avoid the negative bullshit.  I felt besieged at home and work and felt trapped in a life that was draining me of all hope.  To make matters worse, Brotherhood had been a resounding flop in terms of sales, and I had no way to release book two, Red Sky at Dawn.  The only positives in my life were my two sons.  Being their daddy made everything bearable.

When I look back at that time of my life, I feel like my youth was drained from me by a woman who didn’t believe in me and a college that never appreciated me.  Today, that’s why I’m so steadfast in my mentality that no one will ever mistreat me again.  I’ve paid my dues and, since the divorce in 2008, learned to live without my children on a daily basis.  I cannot and will not accept anything other than respect and fairness.  Without those two as a foundation, nothing can be healthy or positive, and I’ve already lost too much of my life to draining experiences.  Now, I will not settle for anything less than an equal balance of give and take.  Slowly but surely, I’m inching towards the man I want to be, and one day, I will get there.

For Collin and Finn

Friday Morning Ramblings

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Dear sons, one of my hopes for you is that you learn to be self-sufficient.  There’s a freedom to knowing how to do things for yourself that’s invaluable.  Not needing someone else to wash and iron your clothes or tend your yard or patch your roof or cook your meals allows you to stand on your own and not be dependent on anyone.  I hope you learn all of the essential skills and grow into the kinds of men who don’t need a woman to survive and who don’t have to call a contractor every time a faucet starts dripping.  You will be much happier men if you develop these skills.

I’m fortunate that your great-grandfather and papaw taught me how to do the basics of most things.  I’m fortunate that I learned to cook and do laundry while in college.  There aren’t many things I can’t do for myself, and I feel confident that even if I don’t know how to do something, I can figure it out with a little trial and error.  Part of learning self-sufficiency is not fearing making mistakes.  We learn the most when we try something, fail, and then try again.  If you want to grow into strong, independent men, set aside the fear of failure and try to do things for yourselves.

Even though this hasn’t worked out for me yet, I also believe that having self-sufficiency will make you a better partner for whomever you end up with.  When you can help out with the dishes as well as mow the yard, you can share more of the daily chores that make life a grind.  Sharing the load goes a long way to reducing stress in a relationship and makes you more equal as partners.  Also, if you can do for yourself, you are less likely to end up trapped in a bad situation because you have the confidence that you can survive on your own.

So sons, learn as many skills as you can.  As you grow, I’ll try to teach you some of what I’ve learned, but the most important skill I hope you cultivate is to teach yourself how to learn new things.  If you can do this, you’ll learn independence, and with independence comes freedom.  One of my great hopes for both of you is that you never feel dependent on anyone for anything.  I love you, boys, and can’t wait to see you in a couple of months.