Category Archives: New Ramblings

Humor

Political Correctness Ramblings

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Now that Juan Williams has been fired, I had the opportunity to apply for the host position on “Talk of the Nation.”  Having long been a fan of the program, I was excited about the chance to take over the helm and use my talents for this prestigious show.  The following is a transcript of my interview:

D. A. Adams:  Thank you for the opportunity to interview for this position.  I believe I’m the right person for the job.

Averly Sensitive:  By person, are you implying only humans are qualified for this position?

DA: Um, yes?

Ima DeBaller:  So you discriminate against other species?

DA: Well, I thought the ability to speak English would be a prerequisite for a national radio host.

Averly:  Hmmph, so you don’t like other nationalities, either?

DA: Um, what?

Ima: You closed-minded white male bigots are all the same.

DA:  I’m a little confused.  Can we start over?

Averly:  We at NPR pride ourselves on our open-mindedness and commitment to free speech.  You clearly are not objective enough to work here.

DA:  Look, I believe all people deserve respect and dignity, regardless of race, religion, social class, gender, whatever.

Ima:  So you are against the elderly.

DA: What?

Ima: You didn’t include the elderly in your little rant.  Obviously, you must be an ageist.

DA:   (Due to the sensitive nature of this blog, Mr. Adams’s Irish-tempered outburst has been omitted to protect innocent eyes.)

Averly:  (Sobbing)  I’ve never been called those words before.

Ima:  Look what you’ve done!  You brute.

DA:  (Content removed.)

Obviously, I didn’t get the job, and NPR will have to continue their search for someone who is open-minded, sensitive, and domesticated enough not to offend any culture or sub-culture by saying something that can be misconstrued out of context as offensive.  In this manner, free speech and liberty shall be preserved ad infinitum.

www.thirdaxe.com

Humor

Clueless Ramblings

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Not too long ago, I got to interview a group of college students who were enraged over what they felt was an important issue.  The students, ranging in ages from 18-21, all belonged to PETA (for those of you who don’t know, that’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and were students at the University of California at Berkley.  When I met up with them, they were preparing to embark on an important journey.  I asked them to explain their choices.

“Well, like, we were watching videos on You Tube,” said Toby McNoclue.  “And we came across this nature video.  It was disturbing.”

“Yeah,” added Jessica Dogooder, jumping in.  “I couldn’t believe the cruelty.”

I probed deeper to get more answers.

“Like, there were these lions, and they were like totally eating this zebra,” interjected Holly Erehead.

“Yeah, and like that poor zebra was still alive and everything,” Bradley Gowidacrowd chimed in.  “It was completely gross. Really.”

“That poor zebra had feelings, and those lions just ignored the impact their actions were having on the zebra’s emotional state,” stated Dr. Jen TouchyFeely, faculty sponsor for the campus charter of PETA.  “These students are showing tremendous leadership by standing up for their ideals.”

I asked what the students planned to do.

“Well,” Jessica said, speaking for the group.  “We’re flying to Africa to form a protest against the lions, like, demanding that they totally respect other beings’ rights to life.

“We hope to convince the lions to stop eating that disgusting meat and become vegans like us,” Toby McNoclue added.

Concerned for their well-being, I asked the students if they believed that their protest was well thought through.

“You’re like just too close-minded to believe in the power of change,” Jessica Dogooder returned.  “It’s white bigots like you who totally trample the rights of other nationalities.”

Accepting their criticism with my usual Irish grace and composure, I wished the charming young folks well on their trip.

“You’ll see,” McNoclue said.  “Our generation is totally gonna change this world because we totally understand technology.  Like, when I was playing Farmville, I totally learned how to grow enough food to feed the entire world.”

The students all high-fived each other and their faculty sponsor and left for the airport.  Naturally, I returned to my close-minded existence in Tennessee, but I left the meeting feeling a little more optimistic about the future thanks to the wide-eyed wonder of young people with an optimistic vision of the future.

(Editor’s Note: This piece was composed several weeks ago and was set to run simultaneously with the students’ return from Africa this month.  However, our staff has been unable to reach any of the students in their remote village.  While neither Dr. TouchyFeely nor their parents have had any contact with any of the students since their plane first landed, she assures our staff that they are simply too focused on their good works to answer their phones, log into Facebook, or return emails.)

www.thirdaxe.com

Humor

Healthcare Ramblings

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Now that the first six provisions of healthcare reform are enforceable laws, I decided to take a look at how these provisions are affecting those at the highest end of the economic spectrum.  I traveled to Minneapolis, MN and sat down with Iwanna Getindempokets, the largest shareholder of United Health Group.  I first asked how the new laws had affected him professionally.

“It’s very difficult to explain,” he said.  “Before, our job was so easy.  Someone got sick, we dropped them from coverage.  We didn’t have to worry about taking care of ill people.  Now, we can’t just collect monthly premiums.  We actually have to look at the costs of healthcare.  It’s so time-consuming.”

As a healthcare consumer, I asked him if he thought healthcare insurance providers had an obligation to make sure their customers received the services they paid for monthly.

He stared at me blankly.

I rephrased the question and asked if healthcare insurance providers should pay claims.

“We’re in the business of making money,” Getindempokets responded, becoming agitated.  “How can we make money if we have to spend money?”

Seeing his agitation, I grew concerned for his well-being, so I asked him how the reform had affected him personally.

“It’s been hell,” he said, a tear forming.  “My wife is so worried about the dip in profits, she’s actually cancelled her plans to buy our third vacation home.  It was going to be in Costa Rica, but that won’t happen now.”

He paused and took a deep breath.

“The worst, though, is how all of this has affected my daughter.  She’s my only child, you know.  When things affect you and your spouse, that’s one thing, but when things affect your children, it cuts more deeply.

“My daughter’s dream was to be the world’s first trillionaire.  She had her heart set on it, but thanks to the selfishness of so many Americans, that probably won’t happen.”

As a parent, part of me empathized with him.

“Paris Hilton has gotten to follow her dream of being a coked-out international slut.  Why can’t my daughter have her dream of being a trillionaire?  It’s just not fair.”

He paused, and his pained expression became one of anger.

“I’ll never forgive President Obama for signing those provisions into law.  That ni…uh…socialist has no right to make big business provide the goods and services for which it charges hefty sums.  This country is moving in the wrong direction.”

With that, his Blackberry went off, and he motioned for me to leave his office.  As I exited the luxury suites of the executive floor, I couldn’t help but wonder if the evil socialists in Washington could sleep at night, knowing how they had trampled the dreams of a little girl.