Category Archives: Humor

Humor

Healthcare Reform Ramblings

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That evil, socialist healthcare reform begins to phase into effect today.  Here are the dastardly provisions that become law now:

1. Insurance companies will no longer be able to deny children coverage for pre-existing conditions.  (Damn socialists wanting children to have health coverage.  Damn them.  Damn them to hell.  How can our country be moving in that direction?)

2. Children of parents with insurance will be allowed to remain covered under those policies until the age of 26.  (Make the little fuckers get a job.)

3. Insurance companies will be forbidden from terminating coverage for any other reason than customer fraud.  (How can health insurance companies make billions in profits if they actually have to keep sick people on the books?  Again, how can our country be moving in such an evil direction?)

4. Insurance companies will no longer be able to cap the amount of benefits and treatment a person can receive in a lifetime.  (Jesus fucking Christ, is there no justice for large corporations trying to maximize profits? )

5. Insurers can no longer charge customers for preventive services like mammograms and colonoscopies. (This commie fucker can’t even spell preventative correctly.  Our country is headed in the wrong direction!)

6. High-risk pools are mandated to cover those who have been denied coverage because of pre-existing conditions. (This must be those death panels I heard about on Fox News.  Get my goddamn pitchfork and torch.  Take to the streets!  We’re Taxed Enough Already!  I’m angry at all this socialism!)

We now continue with your regularly scheduled programming.

Humor

Tea Party Ramblings

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In the infinite wisdom of regressive thinking that is the touchstone of conservative ideology, a solution to the runaway inflation of the healthcare system has been found.  Sue Lowden, former Miss America contestant and smartest member of the GOP, proposes that we enact a barter system in which patients can trade goods for medical services.  Curious as to how the industry would react to such a regression, I rushed down to South Carolina to discuss the idea with true professionals.

“Well, I guess we could work out something,” says Dr. Goldlover, a general practitioner and Porsche enthusiast.  “A regular office visit could be exchanged for a wash and wax of my 959 Cabriolet.”

I pressed him about more expensive tests and procedures.

“Hmmm, I would trade a mammogram for 4,872 white or brown chickens.  An appendectomy would fetch 876 heads of cattle or 2,150 pounds of potatoes.  That seems reasonable to me.”

Excited about the doctor’s positive reception of the concept, I then interviewed his receptionist, Bonnie Busybody, graduate of South Carolina State Technical Community College with an Associate’s in Office Administration and local Tea Party member.

“I don’t want no socialized medical system like that spear-chuck…uh…socialist is proposing.  We need a good, old-fashioned barter system like they had in the Biblical days.  People lived to be hundreds of years old back then, so it must’ve worked.”

I proceeded to ask what she thought about women taking a more proactive role in GOP and Tea Party politics.

“I have a lot in common with both Sue Lowden and Sarah Palin.  I was Miss Palmetto Bug three years running, and both of them were beauty queens, too.  Also, all three of my daughters got pregnant as teenagers, so I understand what Mrs. Palin’s going through.”

“How do you feel about sex education in grade school?” I asked.

“Good grief, the last thing we need is to corrupt our young folk with a firm understanding of how the reproductive system works.  That’ll just encourage them to have sex.  Abstinence is the only policy that really works.”

And considering how successful the abstinence policy has been in reducing teenage pregnancy, I suspect the barter system will just as effective at lowering healthcare costs.

Humor

Climate Change Ramblings

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Since Climate Change is a conspiracy created by Al Gore and disseminated by the Jew-run liberal media, I decided to check with religious experts for answers to the weather extremes we’ve been experiencing in the South.  I traveled to Goose Rock, Kentucky and met with Bubba Blacklung, graduate of Oral Roberts University and meteorologist for the Goose Creek Missionary Baptist Church Newsletter.  I asked Mr. Blacklung what has been causing all of this rain that has flooded the Southeast and claimed so many lives.

“As we all know,” he began.  “Rain is nothing more than God’s tears, and since that nig…uh…socialist got elected president, God’s crying extry hard.  As long as the White House ain’t white, we’ll keep on seeing God’s tears flood the earth.”

I then asked if barometric pressures could be the cause.

“Well, I don’t see what music has to do with weather.  I guess if someone sang off key real bad that could cause God to cry.”

Confused, I asked about the geography classes he studied at ORU.

“They learned me real good about how to predict the weather.  If God gets sad it rains.  If He’s mad, it lightnings.  If He’s happy, we get sunny days to go fishing on.  Now, no one knows how to predict God’s moods, so that’s why it’s so hard to get the weather right.”

When I asked if scientific advancements like Doppler Radar and satellite imaging had made meteorology more accurate, he became agitated.

“Looky cheer, them fancy devices are nothing more than spy cameras so them socialists in Washington can keep an eye on us.  There ain’t no way a big golf ball can read God’s mood, so if you’re gonna talk that devil-talk nonsense, you can march yourself right on out of cheer.”

I apologized for the misunderstanding.

“Doppler Radar!” he scoffed.  “Next thing you’ll be telling me is they have big machines that can look inside the human body and find diseases.”