After the museum incident, Cletus McOnetooth suggested that I head down to Alabama to talk to his cousin. According to Cletus, the once normal people of that state were becoming more liberal than the homosexuals in San Francisco. Doubting the validity of this claim, I rushed straight to his cousin’s trailer home to find out for myself. It turns out, all the excitement, confusion, and chaos centered around one controversial subject–stem cell research.
In a dramatic reversal of ideology, the people of Alabama now favor stem cell research 4,708,706 to 2. Obviously, such an overwhelming majority only increased my curiosity, so I immediately launched into a thorough investigation.
“I’s alway agin searching for stem cells,” Homer McOnetooth, Cletus’s cousin, stated. “Cause I always reckoned them devil-lovin scientists was just looking for some new fangled way to turn our children folk queer, but then, me and my sister was lounging in the bed and poking our noses around on that interweb, and praise the Lord if we didn’t run across the most amazing piece of information.
“Them devil-lovin scientists are right near close to being able to bring the Bear back to life! And it all centers around searching for them there stem cells. Now, as everbody knows, I’m a faithful member of New Hope Missionary Baptist Church in Oak Grove, and I got no love for Satan, so I figured that anything that could be used to bring back the Bear must be sent straight from the Lord. We hopped right out of bed, got dressed, and told everbody else in the trailer park all about it. Before you could skin a groundhog, purt-near everbody in the state was in favor of them there stem cells.
“The whole reason I was agin em to begin with was because I believe all life is a sacred gift from our Lord. That’s why I support the death penalty for anyone who breaks the law and believe in blowing up abortion clinics. We need to preserve life in the name of the Lord. I couldn’t stand the thought of them devil-lovin scientists unfreezing them there babies to take out their stem cells, but if it brings back the Bear, it’s a sacrifice we can make.”
Being a good investigator, I wanted to know the counter-argument, so I went in search of the two holdouts from this newly found euphoria over stem cell research. It turns out, those two people are none other than Nick Saban and his wife. Both were unavailable for comment.
“We’re not sure what Coach Saban is so upset about,” Homer said. “I’m sure the Bear’d keep him around to fetch water and hold his clipboard. He’s a good feller. We’d find something for him.
“I only have one real concern about all this. Do you reckon them stem cells would make good bait for bass fishin?”