After much deliberation and research, a plan has been formulated to save this country from the deep rift between conservatives and liberals. This plan is a much needed compromise to allow each major segment of the population to have feelings of independence.
First, all lands west of the Rocky Mountain Continental Divide will become the new land Liberallum. There will be government buildings on every street corner with rules and regulations for how to walk, talk, breathe, and perform any other act known to humanity. All male members of Liberallum will be required to perform acts of homosexuality weekly, and all women will be required to have at least one abortion per year until menopause is reached. Then, abortions become optional. The government will be run by a committee formed by PETA and the chairperson will be Noam Chomsky. At the end of each week, all property and money will be redistributed evenly among the population.
From the Rocky Mountain Continental Divide to the Mississippi River, the land shall be renamed Conservatorium. In this region, the Ten Commandments must be posted in every building, and all citizens shall follow the Catholic-Orthodox Christian Faith, since this is the oldest denomination of Christianity. In Conservatorium, there will be no organized government whatsoever. Any violations of any tenet of the Catholic-Orthodox faith shall be met with immediate execution. No science, technology, or formal education will be permitted within the realm of Conservatorium. Though not officially government organizations, Glenn Beck will oversee the ATF, Rush Limbaugh the DEA, and Bill O’Reilly the FCC. These organizations shall have no administrative function other than to allow each man to hear himself pontificate. All citizens are encouraged to hoard as many material possessions as possible.
All land east of the Mississippi shall henceforth be known as The Democratic Republic of Moderation. In this land, people are free to worship or not as they see fit. The government shall not sanction any religious ideology under any circumstances in any forum. The free market will operate will reasonable oversight from professional regulators appointed by elected officials. Elected officials will be chosen by the people to serve various terms depending upon which branch of government they are serving. Public education will meet the highest standards in the world, with emphasis on reading, writing, and arithmetic for all. Each student will be encouraged to pursue areas of study in which they show both aptitude and interest. In the educational system, plumbing and physics will each have equal merit, as will any other area of study. In the Democratic Republic of Moderation, all citizens who work a regular job shall be guaranteed a livable wage and adequate access to healthcare. Any citizen requesting public assistance in lieu of work will be subject to mandatory drug testing. All citizens in DRM will have license to shoot the people attempting to cross the Mississippi River.