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For Collin and Finn

Monday Morning Ramblings

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Dear sons, here’s another lesson I want you to learn from me.  Life doesn’t owe you anything, and you are not entitled to a free ride.  Anything and everything you strive for in this world will come with a price, and every choice you make, good or bad, comes with consequences.  If you make good choices, those consequences can benefit you for a lifetime.  If you make poor choices, they can hold you back from reaching your potential.  If you make terrible choices, they can haunt you for the rest of your life.  I know this from personal experience and from watching others live with the consequences of decisions they made in haste or short-sightedness.

Too often, people fall into the delusion that success is a given.  Too often, people believe that all they have to do is show up, and the world will be so enamored with their charm or genius that riches and fame will be theirs for the taking.  In my youth, I suffered from this delusion.  I believed at 18 that my writing ability would be so astounding, so original, so authentic, I would be granted the keys to the walled city and live on easy street for the rest of my days.  By 22, I had learned my folly.  I had to hone my craft, had to get knocked down multiple times, had to get back up, and had to earn every iota of success I’ve achieved.  The world taught me quickly and succinctly that it owed me nothing.

I’m sharing this lesson not to dampen your spirits or dash your dreams, but rather to prepare you for the reality of just how difficult life can be.  I want you to be ready for those times when you do get knocked down to get up, brush yourself off, and brace yourself to fight again.  Just as I tell you whenever you lose at a video game to practice more and try harder, in life, you must do the same because it has a way of being relentless, especially when you’re down.

You both have unlimited potential.  You both have intelligence, creativity, and personality.  You will have opportunities to achieve great things with your lives, but you will have to earn that greatness.  You cannot wish for it; you cannot hope for it; you cannot dream it into reality.  You must earn it, and it can be a long, hard road.  I will be there for you as much as possible, but in the end, you will have to do it for yourselves.

For Collin and Finn

Saturday Afternoon Ramblings

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I’m starting a new category here on the blog.  It’s called “For Collin and Finn” and will be a place where I can share thoughts and ideas that I’d like to share with my boys but can’t because of circumstances.  Some of these posts will be public and some private, but they are here so that one day they can know me.  I have so many regrets about the last four years, regrets of time lost with them, of those special firsts that I didn’t get to share, of not having the financial resources to do more for them.  In a way, these posts are my effort to make up for all that we’ve lost and missed out on, and while nothing can ever give us back the time, my hope is that one day when they are old enough, they will read these entries and understand how badly I miss their presence, their laughter, and their energy.

Sons, the most important lesson I want to teach you, if you learn nothing else from me, is that there is no substitute for hard work.  Regardless of what path you choose in life — artist, musician, director, doctor, plumber, or carpenter — there are no shortcuts for success.  You will have to dedicate yourself to learning your craft, and you will have to spend countless hours practicing to hone your skills.  If you want to be great at what you do, and my hope is that you’ll strive for greatness, you cannot get around that simple fact.  Be prepared to study and struggle and fail and relearn and try again.

This world is a competitive place, and whatever path you choose, there are thousands out there who want to achieve success in that field.  If you want to stand out from the crowd, work harder than they do.  Set your will to achieving your aspirations and let nothing hold you back or slow you down.  You will learn that if you give your all and fight with everything inside you to reach those goals, even if you fail, you will feel pride in knowing you gave it your best.  I’ve learned this one firsthand because I’ve had more than my share of failures, but when I lay my head down at night, I know in my heart that those failures were not from lack of effort.  When life has you down, and it will knock you down at some point, having that sense of pride to hold onto is important.  It will give you the strength to get back on your feet and try again.

So please, guys, don’t go through your lives searching for shortcuts or hoping for windfalls.  Good luck and fast bucks are too far and too few between, as the Outlaw once sang, and if you wait for life to give you anything, you will find yourselves bitter and disappointed.  Work hard at whatever you do; commit yourself to pursuing excellence; and never quit.  I learned that from your grandfather and great-grandfather, and I hope you can learn it from me, too.

General Posts

Sunday Afternoon Ramblings

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The time with my kids is never enough.  The trip is so grueling that the first day is often spent trying to recover and adjust to being together, and the last couple of days are often full of pleadings to stay longer and have more time with Daddy.  It’s emotionally exhausting to hear your children tell you time and time again that they would rather live with you because you spend more quality time with them and give them more affection and attention than they get at “home.”  It’s difficult to want nothing more than to keep them with me but to be powerless to change anything.

In between the difficult beginning and ending, we usually have several days full of laughter and hugs and intimacy.  My sons love me, and I love them, and the moments we share are truly special.  On this trip, there are many of those moments that I hope to hold onto and cherish until I see them again.  The following are some of the highlights, in no particular order:

On New Year’s Eve, my youngest nieces spent the night with us, and we got a kit for making cookies on a stick.  The kids mixed the dough and pressed out the cookies on the baking sheet.  All four kids laughed and giggled as they worked the dough and sifted the flour, and once the first batch was ready, they beamed with pride as they ran around the house devouring the cookies they had just decorated with icing and sprinkles.

Also on New Year’s Eve, I took Collin and Finn outside to help me plant trees along the far edge of our property.  At first, Finn was upset that he couldn’t dig his own holes and plant his own twigs, but once he got to use the water jug to soak each one, he had a blast helping me.  Collin stayed by my side the entire time, watching intently as I buried the roots with soil and ashes, created the water-holding ring around the perimeter, and placed mulch around the tiny trunks for insulation.  We spent a couple of hours working together, and both boys asked me each day after if they could check on our trees.

One afternoon, Collin asked me to help him play Dynasty Warriors 5 with them to help him beat a difficult battle.  When we won the game, he hugged my neck and gave me a high five in celebration.  The look on his face, the pride and excitement at having won together as a team, almost made me cry.

Another afternoon, Finn asked me to play Super Mario Smash Bros. with him, and he beat me 3 out of 4 tries, and he really beat me.  I didn’t just let him win.  His excitement at having defeated me was fun to watch.  He hopped around on the bed and smiled with each victory.

The most intimate moments were the times I got to sit one-on-one with each of them and just talk.  They both would snuggle up against me, pressing their heads against my chest and telling me how much they loved me, and we would talk about whatever they wanted.  Those moments happened at least once a day, and I cherish each one.

On the drive to Florida, Collin got upset about leaving me, telling me how much he was going to miss me and how badly he wanted to stay with me forever.  As I tried to sooth him, he said, “You’re a great dad.  You’re everything I want to be.”  My heart completely melted.  Hearing that from my oldest son was almost too much to handle, especially while driving.  I know the day will come when he will see my flaws and shortcomings, and I my greatest hope is that each of my sons will be better men than I am, but hearing that Collin looks up to me so much right now validates for me that all of my efforts to remain active in their lives have at least given them a positive role model to look up to.  All of the sacrifices to spend time with them have been worth it because no matter how little attention and affection they get at “home” they know in their hearts that when they are with me, they are important and special children.  No matter what failings and shortcomings I do have as a person, so far, I have succeeded as a father, and that means more to me than any professional accomplishment.