Tag Archives: Humor

General Posts

Friday Afternoon Ramblings

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I’ve been getting a lot of hate mail from liberals lately, claiming I’m not mocking them with the same enthusiasm and joy as conservatives, and as much as I’d like to keep my blog “fair and balanced” so to speak, I just can’t think of anything really funny to write about liberals right now.  I started a piece about taking a vegan bass fishing, and while it had potential, it just didn’t have the same pop as Cletus McOnetooth.

I’m not sure why that is.  There’s plenty of irrationality on the left, and there’s just as many nut jobs who deserve ridicule, but Fox News and Rush spend so much time painting everyone not far right as liberal, they’ve taken the steam out of mocking the far left.

Also, mocking the right is so much damn fun.  In the past couple of weeks, I’ve learned from Tea Party “We’re not Racist, We Just Don’t Like Blacks, Jews, Queers, Hispanics, and Ay-rabs” Members that it takes nine full years for a presidential policy to affect the economy, so that everything happening now is because of W.  Everything in the 90’s was because of Sr. and everything in the 80’s was because of Jimmy Carter.  Exquisite logic.  I’ve also learned that according to the news, the stock market fluctuates so no one really knows if the number is higher today than a year and a half ago because no one keeps records on those kinds of things.  Plus, all the jobs being created right now are census jobs.  Companies aren’t really hiring yet.  Maybe we should do a census every year if it provides that many jobs.

I’ve also learned that Tea Party “Non-Racists” support providing more health coverage for children, increasing coverage for Medicare/Medicaid, lowering prescription drug costs, and lowering costs for important diagnostic tests for elderly.  In effect, they support healthcare reform, they just don’t support the president who is pushing those provisions because Fox News draped those provisions in inflammatory rhetoric.

I also learned that 20% = 51% because despite the entire federal budget only equaling 20% of the GDP, the government now controls 51% of the entire US economy.  And even though W. inherited a balanced budget with a surplus and then proceeded to run up record deficits for eight years because of zero fiscal responsibility, the entire current deficit is Obama’s fault because he tripled the deficit from 10 trillion to 14 trillion.  I’m an English guy and not great with numbers, but even I suspect that math is a little fuzzy.

So until liberals give me some good grist for the mill, I’m gonna have to keep picking on the poor, helpless, tormented conservatives.

Humor

Tea Party Ramblings

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After American Idol last night, there was a knock on my door.  I wasn’t expecting company, so it was a little unsettling.  I peeked through the peephole and couldn’t believe my eyes.  I stood there, unable to move.  The knock came again, more impatiently this time, so I opened the door, my heart about to beat through my chest.

On my doorstep was Das Fuhrer himself, Adolph Hitler.  Well, his apparition, anyway.  He’s been dead for 65 years.

Unsure of the etiquette for meeting the most maniacal leader in history, I invited him in, and for an Austrian/German, his English was impeccable. After I prepared hot tea, he and I sat on the couch and exchanged pleasantries, but he quickly got down to brass tacks.

“I need someone to write my story,” he said.  “And Fox News wouldn’t return my calls.  You’ve been doing a great job on your blog recently, so I trust you to be honest and fair.”

I blushed.  Hitler’s a fan.

“I’m mad as hell over these recent comparisons between Barack Obama and myself,” he began.  “How dare they compare me, the most ultra-right-wing dictator in the history of the universe, with a mixed-breed moderate who compromises with his opposition.  It’s outrageous!”

I swear, a tear welled up in his left eye, however briefly.

“I give the world rockets, jets, and the interstate highway system, and I’m repaid with this slander.  When the Jews insult me, it’s understandable.  We had our differences.  But my own constituents?  How can they turn on me like this?”

I offered my condolences.

“And what the f**k happened to Quentin Tarantino?  Resevoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Death Proof, all brilliant.  What the f**k was he thinking with Inglourious Basterds?”

I must admit I had no answer.

“Anyway, you’ve been a gracious host, but my day pass is about to expire.  I must get back to hell.  Lucifer’s a real dick about punctuality.  And people thought I was a dictator?  The stories I could tell.”

With that, he excused himself, leaving me in stunned silence.

Humor

Education Ramblings

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The following is a job posting for teachers of the future:

Position Details

Working Title: Instructor

Department: English/Spanglish

Pay Rate: $30,000-$36,000

Job Summary/Basic Function:

Full-Time, Non-Tenure Track with benefits.  Will serve as primary babysitter for apathetic college freshmen who would rather be playing Mafia Wars.  Each day will consist of conveying information to an audience of blank stares and drooling mouths.  Will be held accountable for the progress of each student regardless of their effort or attendance.  Will compete for their attention against You Tube, Facebook, MySpace, and porn.  Must overcome 13 years of substandard grade school education in 15 weeks.

Must work well with others and demonstrate teamwork on mandatory committee service.  Must listen to the pet peeves of burnt-out intellectuals who refuse to compromise on minuscule details of unnecessary documents meant to appease government bureaucrats.  Must continually pursue professional development to remain current in your field, even if the fundamentals of your field have not changed for 3,000 years.

Seeking a creative, innovative and energetic individual who can successfully use diverse strategies with students of varying abilities and backgrounds.

Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities:

Must have thorough knowledge of Word, Excel, PowerPoint, PhotoShop, DreamWeaver, All Adobe Applications, WebCT, and must remain current on all software advances.

Minimum Qualifications:

Master’s degree in English/Spanglish with emphasis in composition and rhetoric, plus $50,000-100,000 student loan debt.

Preferred Qualifications:

The ideal candidate will be single with no children of their own.  Also, they will have no expectation of a social life.  The ideal candidate also will have no capacity to think for themselves or question administrative decisions.  The ability to juggle chainsaws a definite plus.  Should also be able to project an air of authority without trampling tender emotions.

Work Hours:

15 hours per week in class. 15 hours per week in office.  10 hours per week for lesson planning.  20 hours per week for grading. 2-3 hours per week for committee responsibilities.  5-10 hours for professional development. 1-2 hours for community service.

Must be available to answer student emails 24/7.

Special Instructions to Applicants:

A partial lobotomy prior to hire is recommended.

Open Until Filled