Tag Archives: Humor

Sparkly Ramblings


BREAKING NEWS!

The Ramblings of D. A. Adams, using award winning investigatory journalistic techniques such as surfing the internet and reading anonymous forwarded emails, has unearthed a shocking story of epic proportions that threatens to crumble the very foundations of  our republic.

The Twilight saga is a covert plot by the Chinese to drive Americans insane.

Shocked and appalled that such a masterpiece of literary and cinematic genius could be a weapon of international espionage, I rushed to Washington to learn more about this unfolding crisis.

“The numbers are quite clear,” claims Dr. Lottastatz of the Center for Researching Research.  “Since the release of the first Twilight book in 2005, levels of insanity in America are up 275%.  With the release of each subsequent book and movie, we see a clear upward trend in the data.  It’s quite alarming.”

Concerned for national security, I hurried to the CIA to speak with my inside source within the intelligence community.

“We’ve known about this plot since as early as [classified],” states [classified].  “Stephenie Meyer’s real name is Som Dom Chik, and she entered this country on a work visa in [classified] and assimilated into American culture.  We only learned of the plot in [classified] because [classified classified classified classified classified].  As you can see, it’s quite alarming.”

Unnerved by this top secret information, I hurried to Jones Creek, Georgia, home of Morbul Shidinski, currently America’s foremost literary scholar and critic, hoping her insights could help unravel this conspiracy.

“Contextually speaking, on a surface level, the Twilight series seems to be what we deem ‘purple prose.’  However, after deconstructing the sub-contextual layers, we find an intricate web of literary devices layered together in a specific chronology that is ideal for evoking a negative psychological reaction, known clinically as Sparkle Induced Psychosis, in its readers.  Furthermore, the true brilliance of the work is that these devices are so powerful that one does not necessarily have to read the text to be affected by them.  Merely hearing them described by an infected person is enough to render an otherwise sane individual completely bonkers.”

Now terrified for the future of this great nation, I raced back to Washington and the Center for Researching Research, seeking an antidote for this growing pandemic.

“As of now, we’ve only found one way to reverse the psychosis, but it’s controversial, to say the least,” states Dr. Lottastatz.  “The subjects we’ve tested who were exposed to Sparkle Induced Psychosis respond positively when forced to watch reruns of The Munsters non-stop for 72 hours.  Apparently, the creators of that show were aware that the Soviets had originally designed the Twilight Plan in the 50’s and created Herman Munster as a counter-measure.  Fred Gwynne was secretly a CIA operative who developed a comedic styling that numbs the frontal lobe, decreasing levels of psychosis.  We have a contingency plan in place to have every TV channel to run episodes of The Munsters non-stop for two weeks.  It may be our only hope.”

Editor’s Note: Due to the highly classified nature of this information, no portion of this article has been verified or confirmed by anyone, anywhere.

Monday Morning Ramblings

I’m all for personal accountability.  We should all be responsible for our actions as adults, and even to some degree as adolescents.  Personally, I maintain that people who choose to abuse our systems should be punished accordingly.  However, recently, I’ve heard many conservatives, some friends others politicians or pundits, say that in our current economic situation, the people who are unemployed or under-employed should not blame Wall Street or Corporate America for the economy.  They should blame themselves and hold themselves accountable for their conditions.  After all, there are successful people, even in this economy, and many of them are self-made.  If they can do it, anyone can, or so they say.  Nevermind about outsourcing or offshore bank holdings or toxic assets.  Those have not contributed one iota to our current economic situation, they maintain.  Therefore, following that logic, I’ve decided to apply the laissez-faire model to other areas of society, and here is what I’ve come up with.

Drug dealers should not be punished for selling drugs, even to minors.  After all, dealers are only responding to market conditions.  The demand exists, so they should have the opportunity to peddle their wares in whatever manner produces a profit.  The blame lies squarely with the users.  If people were not so lazy and ignorant as to get involved with drugs in the first place, there would not be a need for dealers.  As to the act of selling drugs to minors or on school grounds, again the dealers are only responding to market pressures.  Competition requires that they expand their markets to maintain profitability.  Therefore, the government should keep the meddling to itself and leave dealers alone.

Drunk drivers should not be punished for driving intoxicated, even if they murder a family on its way home from dinner.  The sober should be more aware that drunks occupy the highways and should take appropriate action to avoid being struck by someone who is merely trying to get home after a fun night on the town.  What right does the government have to tell a person what they can or cannot do behind the wheel of their own car?  No, the responsibility clearly falls on the sober to avoid putting themselves in situations where a drunk driver may be occupying the road.

Teachers should not be held accountable for failing to instruct their students properly in the classroom.  The fault lies solely on students and their parents for choosing to take a course from an incompetent teacher.  If students do not receive a quality education, they should have taken the course from someone else.  There are other schools out there.  Parents and students should be more proactive in finding out ahead of time if the teachers in their schools are up to standards.  The government has no right to encroach on a teacher’s right to conduct class in whatever manner seems fit.  They were hired for the job, so there should be no oversight into how well they are performing in those roles.

I could keep going, but clearly, I’ve made my point.  Only the victims of improper behavior should be held accountable for their actions.  They need to learn to be more aware of their environments and not put themselves in situations where a drug dealer or drunk driver can cause them harm.  After all, I made it home safely last night without being killed by an impaired driver, and if you didn’t, it’s all your fault.

You Can’t Make Crap Like This Up Ramblings

No one could’ve predicted this would end badly, a convicted felon with a penchant for guns and predatory wildlife.  I mean, how could anyone foresee a bad end to such a stable environment?  For answers to this tragic enigma wrapped in a blanket of conundrums, I rushed to Washington to speak with my old friend, Billy Joe Oilmoney, himself an avid gun collector and hunter.

“Well, it sure is a mystery,” he said, scratching his head.  “No one could’ve predicted such a tragedy.  This here is a perfect example of why we don’t need regulations of any kind.  If a law-abiding gun owner can’t set loose his collection of lions and bears on unsuspecting neighbors without being criticized for it, that ain’t the kind of America I want to live in.”

I politely reminded Senator Oilmoney that the owner was a convicted felon.

“That’s exactly what I mean.  If we didn’t have regulations, he would’ve been a law-abiding citizen.  Are you slow or something?”

Thankful to have that cleared up, I headed down to South Carolina to speak with Joseph Cartwright III, talk radio host, blogger, and Tea Party Activist.

“Truly, no one could’ve foreseen such a terrifying end to this man’s life.  It’s clear President Obama ordered the CIA to frame this man in an attempt to further a socialist agenda of stripping all Americans of their guns.  I’m sure the PETA tree-huggers will be all over this, too.  Now, we’re gonna have to deal with a new rash of regulations ordering us not to keep exotic predators in our basements.  Well, if I can’t raise Grizzly bears on my farm, I’m not sure I want to live in his nation anymore.”

Next, I headed out to California to interview Dr. Jen Touchyfeely, Professor of Emotional Studies and faculty sponsor of her university’s PETA chapter.  I like to keep things fair and balanced, you know.

“No one could’ve predicted such a horrendous end to this.  It’s just awful how those evil police officers gunned down those innocent animals,” she said, sobbing uncontrollably.  “They could’ve let them live free out there in the wild.”

When I asked about the dangers of letting wild predators roam freely near residential areas, she became incensed.

“We all know the Midwest is just fly-over country.  People don’t actually live there!”

Finally, to get the pulse of how this shocking mystery was affecting the common man, I hurried to Arkansas to chat with my old pal Cletus McOnetooth.

“I reckon it’s is the first I heard of this.  Real live lions and such?  Really?  This ain’t another one them ‘Diny-sores Live’ that turns out to be nothing more than mechanical puppets, is it?”

I assured him the lions were all too real.

“Hot damn!” he shouted, grabbing for his coat and calling to his wife.  “Sugar, gas up the truck and grab my shotgun.  We’re eating lion tonight!”