Humor

Gay Marriage Ramblings

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There’s a pandemic brewing in this nation, one that threatens to erode the foundations of our society.  If left unchecked, this pandemic will undermine the very fabric of our communities.

This pandemic is gay divorce.

While some gay couples still fight for the right to get married, others are now struggling to get their vows undone.  Courthouses are filled with gay couples who just a short time back stood in line to join in marital bliss but now regret walking down the aisle.  Unfortunately, as of yet, there is no legislation regulating the rights of gays to disband a marriage.

“Well, we just didn’t think about it,” says a congressional leader from Massachusetts who wishes to remain anonymous.  “We worked so hard to pass the right to marry that we didn’t think we’d need any laws for divorce.  We were all a little naive, I guess.”

According to conservative bloggers, the right to divorce from a gay marriage undermines the institution of marriage.

“If gay couples can’t stay united in matrimony, what kind of a signal does that send to kids?”  asks William Joseph Cartwright III, a conservative blogger from South Carolina.  “The next generation will see this example and think that marriage is no big deal.  Before you know it, there will be drive-thru wedding chapels.  Marriage is a sacred institution that must be respected.”

Gay couples, however, are defending their right to divorce:

“For 20 years, we were the perfect couple,” states Alice McButchy, gay married woman and owner of Alice’s Home Security.  “Then, after we got married, she started in with all this crap about how I never pay attention to her anymore and how we don’t do anything together.  It’s been a nightmare.  Our sex life has even diminished.”

Straight divorced men have even joined the debate.

“I hate to say I told you so,” says Johnny Bitterman.  “But we tried to tell gay couples that marriage wasn’t worth it.  Like everything else, they had to find out for themselves.  I’ve been married and happy, and let me tell you, I much prefer happy.”

As legislators scramble to write new laws regarding division of property and alimony specific to gay couples, conservatives are urging action.

“Write your congressional representative and urge them to stop gay divorce,” Cartwright says.  “Stand up for the sanctity of marriage and force gay couples to stay together.  If they are allowed to divorce willy-nilly, the whole concept of marriage as we know it will become an empty shell.  Gay couples need to preserve their marriages and set a good example for the children.”

www.thirdaxe.com

General Posts

Saturday Afternoon Ramblings

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There’s a “Rod Run” in Pigeon Forge this weekend.  There are two in the fall, and one of them attracts some very nice old cars.  I mean some high dollar, perfectly restored, vintage cars.  While there will be some nice cars this weekend, this particular one attracts a lower quality of collector.  Many of the POS Novas this weekend were just pulled out the junk yard, tuned up, spray painted blue or yellow r red, and called a hot rod.

Until you’ve delivered pizza in a Rod Run weekend, you can’t understand my absolute and utter disdain for them.  In general, the people are drunk, rude, inconsiderate, churlish, and cheap.  Every street, every parking lot, and every walkway will be clogged with these people.  It can take as long as an hour to move one mile, and even knowing the back ways around, you can lose two hours on one delivery.  Because service is so slow, most of the time you get stiffed, so the entire weekend becomes a repetition of sitting in traffic and not making any money.  I’ve never been so frustrated as I was working those weekends.  I survived eight total, and if I never have to work another, I can grow old a much happier man.

But I recognize that the Rod Runs are good for the local economy, in general, and I recognize that the people who attend the Rod Runs probably feel the same way about science fiction/fantasy conventions as I feel about sitting on the side of the street in a lawn chair, drinking beer, and watching cars roll by at one mile an hour.  It’s like NASCAR, only without any of the fun or excitement.

So this weekend, I’ll stay at home as much as possible and avoid Pigeon Forge like a toxic waste site, and if I do decide to order pizza, I’ll be sure to tip the driver double because I know the hell they are enduring.

General Posts

Friday Afternoon Ramblings

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I’ve been getting a lot of hate mail from liberals lately, claiming I’m not mocking them with the same enthusiasm and joy as conservatives, and as much as I’d like to keep my blog “fair and balanced” so to speak, I just can’t think of anything really funny to write about liberals right now.  I started a piece about taking a vegan bass fishing, and while it had potential, it just didn’t have the same pop as Cletus McOnetooth.

I’m not sure why that is.  There’s plenty of irrationality on the left, and there’s just as many nut jobs who deserve ridicule, but Fox News and Rush spend so much time painting everyone not far right as liberal, they’ve taken the steam out of mocking the far left.

Also, mocking the right is so much damn fun.  In the past couple of weeks, I’ve learned from Tea Party “We’re not Racist, We Just Don’t Like Blacks, Jews, Queers, Hispanics, and Ay-rabs” Members that it takes nine full years for a presidential policy to affect the economy, so that everything happening now is because of W.  Everything in the 90’s was because of Sr. and everything in the 80’s was because of Jimmy Carter.  Exquisite logic.  I’ve also learned that according to the news, the stock market fluctuates so no one really knows if the number is higher today than a year and a half ago because no one keeps records on those kinds of things.  Plus, all the jobs being created right now are census jobs.  Companies aren’t really hiring yet.  Maybe we should do a census every year if it provides that many jobs.

I’ve also learned that Tea Party “Non-Racists” support providing more health coverage for children, increasing coverage for Medicare/Medicaid, lowering prescription drug costs, and lowering costs for important diagnostic tests for elderly.  In effect, they support healthcare reform, they just don’t support the president who is pushing those provisions because Fox News draped those provisions in inflammatory rhetoric.

I also learned that 20% = 51% because despite the entire federal budget only equaling 20% of the GDP, the government now controls 51% of the entire US economy.  And even though W. inherited a balanced budget with a surplus and then proceeded to run up record deficits for eight years because of zero fiscal responsibility, the entire current deficit is Obama’s fault because he tripled the deficit from 10 trillion to 14 trillion.  I’m an English guy and not great with numbers, but even I suspect that math is a little fuzzy.

So until liberals give me some good grist for the mill, I’m gonna have to keep picking on the poor, helpless, tormented conservatives.